I lean my elbow on top of the table and let my forehead fall to my hand. “Ugh, yes. That one.”
“What the hell did he do now? I thought you hardly saw him despite Eva living here now.”
“I didn’t. Not until he called me, panicking, last week.”
“He called you? The nerve of the asshole. What did he want?”
“It’s the craziest story, Melissa. You’re never going to believe it.”
“Try me,” she replies, crossing her arms across her chest.
I run through the entire week of events. Every. Single. Detail. Even him pressing me up against the wall, nearly kissing me, and telling me how badly he wanted me, but couldn’t have me.
Her hand is resting on her chest, as if the story physically struck her. Her other hand is stuck in motion halfway to her mouth. “You’re kidding me. Jessie! Holy shit!”
I raise my glass, then take a sip. “Yep! Hence my desperate need for a drink.”
“And so … like … now what? How are you feeling about all of it?”
I glance away, the pain rising to my chest. I try to blink away the tears that hit my eyes.
Her hand rests on my arm. “I’m sorry, Jessie. I know how hard it was for you to get over him the first time.”
I meet her eyes. “I don’t think I ever really got over it. I just buried my feelings.”
She nods in understanding. “I don’t get it. What does he mean, he can’t have you?”
A bitter laugh escapes. “Who knows? He won’t talk about it. I thought it might have been how young I was at the time, but that doesn’t make sense. That wouldn’t be an issue now. But he’s still acting like there’s something holding him back.” I shake my head. “It was easier to hate him when I thought he just didn’t want me. Now … when he acts like it’s torture to stay away … I feel … shit … angry again, I guess. But in a different way.”
“That makes total sense. Of course you’re angry. It’s not fair for him to be so vague with you. And to call you, of all people, to drop everything and help? Ugh, asshole.”
I should jump on the bandwagon and vent my frustrations. Calling him an asshole worked a decade ago, but I don’t feel that way anymore. Deep down, I’m glad he called me. I loved every second of my time with him and Eli.
I drag a hand through my hair, frustrated with the whirlwind inside of me. It would be easier if I could just shut it all off, pretend that none of it mattered to me. But the truth is, he’s tangled into everything. Every quiet moment when I let myself imagine what could be. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t untangle myself from him.
“But he’s not an asshole. It was easy for me to tell myself that all these years. It kept the anger at bay so I could make it through another day without him. But now …” I say as I wipe away a tear. “Now, it’s like that dam is broken. I got a glimpse back into his soul, and I can no longer pretend.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
I sigh as I face my new reality. “Nothing. There’s nothing to do. I just have to … feel my feelings.”
The waitress walks by us, and Melissa stops her. “Hi. Can we get two more glasses of wine, please?” She turns back to me. “In that case, we need more alcohol.”
A quiet laugh tumbles from my lips. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this night so depressing.”
She turns her head to the side as her gentle eyes hold mine. “That’s what friends are for. We sit through the depressing times, even if there’s no solution, and help ease the pain.”
Melissa does her best to distract me for the next couple of hours. We laugh and reminisce about old times as we get tipsy off our three glasses of wine.
The laughter fades the moment I hug her goodbye and walk home to my apartment. The silence in my bedroom presses in, too heavy, too sharp. The memories, the questions, the ache in my heart—it all comes rushing back to me as I lie in bed. I sink further into my pillow, wondering if tomorrow will feel any different … or if the morning light will only make the weight of it all harder to bear.
Chapter Twelve
Walker
“All right, Eli,” I say as we ride up the elevator together, her lying in her stroller, “this is going to be a new adventure for us. I don’t know how long we will be out, but it’s really important. I need you to be a good girl so we can spoil Jessie. She saved our butts this week and deserves it. Can you do that for her?”
She smiles up at her kitty hanging from her car seat.
