I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. I feel like I need to get a routine together before I start to answer everyone’s intrusive questions. I first need to feel confident in my ability to actually do this before I tell others.
Jessie startles me when I see her standing in the doorframe of my bedroom. She looks gorgeous with no makeup and crazy hair on the top of her head. Wearing my clothes.
Bitterness fills my veins because I can never have her, not without telling her, and I can’t do that. But I can’t be with someone holding such a big lie between us. It would eat away at me. I’ve accepted the fate of my life. Life is a bitch. It kicks you in the ass any chance it gets. It’s better this way. Living in my misery is easier than hoping.
“Morning,” she croaks in a scratchy voice.
“Morning. There’s a pot of coffee made.”
“Thank God.” She walks past me and pours herself a cup before joining me on the couch.
“You look tired,” she says as she looks me up and down from across the couch.
“What the hell happened last night? That can’t be normal.”
She smiles behind her coffee cup. “I’m pretty sure it is. Especially at her age.” A weird look crosses her face. “How old is she exactly?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.”
She stands up and comes back with a paper in her hand. “She was born on June 26. So, she’s a month old. Yeah, I’m pretty sure four-week-olds can be up a lot at night. Talk to Eva. She’ll tell you all about it. Awww.” She freaks out, holding a hand to her heart.
I look at her a little crazy, wondering what could make her this excited.
“Walker, Addie was born June 23. They’re cousins, born three days apart. How cute.”
I never thought about that. My sister and I have babies the same age. Cousins.
“Eva is gonna freak out.” She smiles widely.
“Yeah. I’m, uh, I don’t want to tell her yet.”
Her face falls. “Why not?”
I sigh, annoyed that I have to explain this already. “Because … I want to have the ground underneath my feet before I field a million questions about how I’m going to manage this new … life.”
She bites her lip as she seems to ponder my words, then looks at me skeptically. “Does this mean … you’re taking care of Eli?”
Fear settles in the pit of my stomach. This isn’t how I saw my life going. I wish I’d never met Amelia. “I have to. I’m her father.”
The shock written all over Jessie’s face annoys the fuck out of me.
“Wow. I’m kind of stunned.”
I roll my eyes. “Shocker. Jessie didn’t think I was capable of taking care of my child on my own.”
“Hey.” Her eyebrows turn down at me. “That’s not fair. It’s just … you live a certain way. You’ve never really seemed like the kind of guy who could live life worrying about someone else.”
Of course that’s what she thinks of me. For being such a perceptive person, she sure has missed a lot about why I am the way I am. If only she knew. But that’s wishful thinking because I’m taking my secret to the grave.
“Gee, tell me how you really feel about me.”
She shakes her head in irritation. “Never mind that. We’re getting off topic. You can’t keep this from Eva for long.Ican’t keep this from her for long.”
“I just need to figure something out. Like … a nanny. Where do I even get a nanny?”
“This is New York City. There are agencies with a slew of nannies everywhere.”
“Really?” I ask. “That’s great!”
