“No. It’s not that. I may not be a viscountess for much longer. My husband and I are…estranged. He petitioned for divorce,” she explained and watched the countess for any signs of censure.
Instead, Abigail set her fork down. Dabbed at her mouth and reached out to hold her hand where it rested on the table.
“I’m sorry. John mentioned something about that. He told me the story of how your husband had thought you and John were lovers and that it had moved him to petition for divorce. But I assumed now that the misunderstanding had been cleared up, you and your husband would have reconciled.”
Alice looked at their clasped hands, then raised her gaze to the warm, caring eyes of the other woman. Eyes full of sympathy and understanding that seemed to invite her to unburden herself. She had never had the relief of having a close female friend she could trust. And Abigail was more than a friend. She was her sister. Older. Wiser. Willing to listen without judgement and offer help.
She inhaled deeply. Let the air out in a sigh. “We have. In a way. But not completely.”
“I don’t understand.”
How to put it delicately? Abigail was a happily married woman. It was no secret she loved her husband, and the feeling was entirely mutual. She had only met the earl once, and briefly, but the love and devotion he felt for his wife was abundantly clear. She might not understand how Nathaniel and she could be equally in love and yet be unable to live happily together.
“We have resumed our marital activities,” she said and looked down as heat crept up her face. “But we have not decided about the future of our marriage. I don’t think I’m suited to being the wife of a lord. I already tried once and failed miserably. We were both miserable. It was what tore our marriage apart. After our last time together, I told him I couldn’t go back to being his wife, among other awful things. He hasn’t returned home since.”
At Abigail’s silence, Alice peeked up to see if she had finally scandalized the countess. But Abigail was not scandalized. She was smiling.
“Alice, are you telling me you thoroughly bedded your husband and then sent him on his way?”
She nodded, half of her mouth twisting in a bitter smile. “Worse. I offered to continue our intimacies, but without…being his wife.”
A chuckle burst out of Abigail, and she pressed her hand to her mouth to contain it. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not funny, dear. This is your life, and I’m sure it feels awful. But I can’t help but laugh at the idea that you basically offered to be your own husband’s paramour.”
Alice leaned back in her chair, bringing her glass of wine to her lips. “Go ahead and laugh. I know it’s ridiculous. But I don’t see any other way. Nathaniel and I… We love each other. We really do. But his current life doesn’t suit me. I can’t be a lord’s wife.”
“What makes you think that you can’t?”
“I just can’t. It’s not who I am.”
“Do you mean you can’t, or you won’t?” At her stricken expression, Abigail went on. “Would you rather be without him than try to adapt to his new circumstances?”
“No. Of course not. I don’t want to live without him. That’s why I offered to… Well, to be his mistress, basically.”
“Only you know what’s in your heart. I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you my story. When I met Colin, my husband, I was a poor widow living as his stepmother’s companion. He had just inherited his title and returned from abroad after years in exile. He needed a wife to provide him with an heir. I was there, and we got along well, so he proposed a marriage of convenience. I would give him an heir, and he would give me… Well, security, position. And freedom. After giving him an heir, I could live independently if I so chose. I thought that would be appealing.”
Abigail looked down at her hands and traced a ring of moisture on the table. “You see, I was badly mistreated in my first marriage, so I needed to know I had an escape. But those emotional wounds kept me from truly opening myself to myhusband. Yes, I was sharing my body with him, as per the agreement, but I tried to withhold my heart, my passion. I thought it would be enough. But it wasn’t. Without us realizing it, we had fallen in love with each other. But my fear kept me from showing my love to my husband. His own fears made him feel unlovable and caused many problems in our relationship. We were both miserable. Letting go of our fear, exposing our wounds, wasn’t easy. It wasn’t comfortable. But it was the only way to make space for love and a happy marriage.”
“I appreciate you sharing your story with me, my lady. But I don’t have any wounds. Nobody mistreated me. I just wasn’t born an aristocrat. It’s not something I can change about myself. It’s who I am.”
“Are you sure about that?” Abigail asked gently.
“About not being an aristocrat?”
“About not having wounds. Wounds come in all manners. Some are physical. Some are emotional. Some are so deep that they have almost become part of us. Almost like an unseen fracture at the core of our being. We never show them, do we? Often, we are not even aware of how wounded we are. Because we compensated and adapted. We did it to protect ourselves, to survive, and we think that we are healed when all we have done is cover the wound. So I ask you, Alice, who wounded you so badly that it made you believe you are not capable of being the wife your husband needs?”
Alice stared at the countess—her sister—stricken. How had this woman she had known so briefly been able to decipher her so thoroughly? How had Abigail discovered what she, herself, had failed to realize? She, who could read people like an open book, was blind to the fatal flaw at the core of her being.
“I-I don’t know. Maybe no one in particular. Or maybe everyone, in one way or another. I’ll have to think about it. I thought it was a strength on my part to be aware of myshortcomings and act accordingly. Even if sometimes it was difficult. Even when it hurt so much that it was difficult to breathe. At least I believed I was doing the right thing. I never thought I might be protecting myself.”
“That is the tricky thing about wounds. They disguise themselves as virtues. Just remember, just because it makes you happy, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Just because it was true in the past, doesn’t mean it will be true in the present, or in the future.”
“Thank you, my lady. I’m glad you came.”
“Of course, my dear. You would never have approached me otherwise, would you?”
Alice shook her head, then looked down. She knew Abigail didn’t mean it as a reproach, but she felt it like one. She was shutting people out of her life. People who might like to get closer to her. “I hope you realize it was not because of you. I knew you through our work in The Ladies’ Lair, and I liked you. I didn’t want you to have reason to think less of me.”
“I know. That’s why I took the first step. Now, I want you to believe that we can be friends. That you may call on me whenever you wish.”
