“I was too old and battered by life when I married you to be that kind of husband. In my youth, I could have been. But not by the time I married you. I tried. In the beginning, I tried so hard to be the man you needed, because I knew I had done you a disservice by marrying you. But these things don’t work out by force of will. We are the way we are.”
She looked away. Embarrassed and confused. What was he saying?
“I am sure many a man envied me my young, beautiful wife. I’m sure many would have rejoiced and considered themselves fortunate if they were in my shoes.”
“And you didn’t?” she whispered, devastated by what she was hearing.
“It wasn’t your fault, dear. You are everything that is good and beautiful in this world. Unfortunately, whenever we were intimate, I felt like the worst sort of lecherous old man. Like I was desecrating something precious and pure. As if I were sleeping with a child.”
She gasped. “But I was not a child, Harold.”
“To me you were. You are younger than my son,” he rasped.
“Why did you marry me then?” she demanded, her voice cracking.
“At first, it was an impulse. My despicable nephew, Neil, had offered for your hand. My son had died the year before, a scant few months after my wife. I was barely out of mourning and still mad with grief, and Neil had started to fancy himself the next duke. He had always been hateful towards my son, and I couldn’t stand his gloating. I wanted to show him I was still the duke, and even old as I was, I could yet steal his intended and produce another heir in one fell swoop.
“So I went and spoke with your father, who was ecstatic to have an offer from the actual duke and not just the heir presumptive. It wasn’t difficult to settle matters, for I was prepared to be generous and exceeded all his demands. You will be well provided for when I’m gone, my dear. That need not concern you or influence you into falling in with my plans. Whether you are the mother of the next duke or not, you will want for nothing.”
She just nodded. She couldn’t trust her voice to speak. The financial settlements were no news to her, but everything else he had revealed was as shocking as a bolt from the blue.
The duke reached out and grasped her hand as he continued, his paper-thin skin soft to her touch. “During our courtship, I got to know you better, and you enchanted me. But my feelings for you were almost avuncular. You were so young. Almost a child. What you evoked in me was tenderness and protectiveness. I soon had misgivings about the wisdom of our marriage, but I couldn’t back down. All the contracts had been signed. A gentleman does not break an engagement without good reason. I could have weathered the scandal, but it would have ruined you. What were your chances of making a good match after being rejected by a duke? I was afraid your father would then accept the offer from my odious nephew out of desperation. And he would have made your life a living hell.
“So I soldiered on. I convinced myself that after we were married and I had bedded you, my feelings would change. That I would start seeing you as a woman.”
“But you never did, did you?” she asked, the entire landscape of her life shifting and changing in her mind’s eye.
“No. Not like that. But I was determined to be a good husband and make it up to you for all the things I couldn’t give you.”
“And you did. You pampered me. Granted me every wish, always treated me with kindness and generosity. I am content with my life.”
“Ah, content, yes. But you deserve more. You deserve to be happy. To be well and truly loved. To have children. You could have children, Hannah. The children I denied you.”
She held back tears as she reached him, “Harold, please stop. I deserve nothing more than I have got. You don’t have to give me anything. I will not betray you and our vows in a misguided attempt to gain—”
“I have betrayed you.” The words, no more than a whisper, still had the power to make her stutter to a halt, like a tiny cog being thrown into a machine.
“What did you say?”
CHAPTER 2
“I HAD A MISTRESS,”Harold confessed. “Since before we married, and even after we did... I continued the liaison. I’m sorry, Hannah. You didn’t deserve it. If anyone had reasons to be unfaithful, it was you, a young bride neglected by her old husband. For a while, I expected you to take a lover, and I was prepared to accept any child you may have conceived as my own. But you never did. It made my guilt all the worse.”
“Why are you doing this?” She choked the words out past the knot in her throat. “Are you trying to hurt me?”
“No! That is the last thing I want. I am telling you this because I need you to understand. I want to set you free. To release you from any kind of loyalty you may feel you owe me.”
“To be free to fall in with your plans, you mean?”
“I can’t deny that I desire that outcome, yes. But I wouldn’t be proposing this if I didn’t think it was the best solution for all involved. Including you.”
“How would it benefit me? You yourself said I will be well provided for on your death.”
“You will. But if we have no heir, you will no longer be able to live in this house, or the London house, for that matter. You will have to relinquish your homes to my greedy nephew, who will take the title of duke. I know how much you love this estate. You have helped me oversee it and make it flourish over the past fifteen years. You have cared for and improved the house. Every tenant knows you and respects you. The tenants and the servants will be the ones to suffer the most under my nephew.He is not a good man, Hannah. If he were, I wouldn’t be proposing this.”
“But this is the way the system works. He is the legal heir. I will be the dowager. It’s been this way for centuries.”
“Just because it is the law doesn’t mean it is fair!” A fit of coughs followed this statement, and she helped him sit up and offered him a glass of water. After he drank, he reclined back with an exhausted sigh.
