He looked at her with an inscrutable expression. “I get the impression you have everything planned. But I must confess, I’m at a loss as to how you wish me to proceed. I feel like an actor who walked in on a play and doesn’t know his lines.”
Her eyes skittered away at that, and she stammered, “I thought you would... That is, I thought you would know how to go about it. Haven’t you...? Oh, drat. I don’t know how to say it. You must know my meaning.”
His eyebrows rose during her little speech, and a sudden burst of laughter escaped him. “I certainlyhave, Hannah. And I normally know how to proceed when making love to a woman. But I must confess your setup has me a little baffled. If I’m not mistaken, you are in bed, fully dressed and covered to your chin. The position doesn’t strike me as inviting.”
“Oh! But it is supposed to be. I have prepared myself to receive you. You will find me welcoming.”
He came closer and sat on the edge of the bed. Still not touching her. “Please, pray tell me how you have prepared yourself to receive me, as you put it.”
Her cheeks were burning now, so she sat up. Her mouth opened and closed, looking for words, but couldn’t find anything in her vocabulary that could express what she wanted to say. “You are being extremely contrary, my lord. If you had been more... proactive, you might have found out by now.”
He took one of her hands, which was fisted about the coverlet, and caressed it slowly. “Forgive me, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. It is just that you seem so tense. You clutch that coverlet as if it were armor protecting you from certain death.”
She made a conscious effort to unclench her hands and place them relaxed over her lap. “There, I’m not tense. Just a little nervous, but that will pass once we get on with the activities.”
He brushed his thumb against her lips and leaned down to kiss her. So tender, so good... No. She turned her face after the briefest of kisses.
“There’s no need to dilly dally. Truly. I am ready for the act.”
“You keep saying you are ready, as if you expect me to just mount you and start rutting. But it doesn’t work that way. MaybeI’mnot ready.”
“Oh.” That was an unexpected development. And it presented a new challenge. “Do you need more time? Will yourequire my help? I didn’t think... That is, you are a young man. I thought you would be ready without needing extra help.”
He chuckled a little at that and shook his head. His eyes would be mocking if it weren’t for the tenderness in them. “Oh, Hannah. Your innocence is endearing. I don’t require morehelpthan the regular man, but a little encouragement is always appreciated.”
“I see.”
What to do? Did she dare... touch him? What a ninny she was! Of course, she would have to touch him. She squared her shoulders and reached out a hand towards his crotch, but he caught it before it could reach its destination.
“Wait,” he said with a lopsided smile. “Why don’t you tell me exactly what you have in mind? And speak frankly, please. No shyness between us.”
She looked down and started pleating the coverlet with her other hand. “I hoped to make the act as easy and fuss-free as possible. I didn’t wear my drawers, so that nothing would be in the way. And I...applied oils to facilitate your passage. I thought it would please you that I had prepared. I thought it would make things more expedient.”
Oh no. This didn’t bode well. Now he was staring at her with a dumbfounded expression tinged with something darker she couldn’t interpret. The silence stretched, making her uncomfortable, and she begged silently for him to say something.
When he spoke, his tone was tentative. “Why did you think that was necessary?”
“I told you...I wanted to make it as uncomplicated for you as possible. You are already doing me a big favor. I don’t want to inconvenience you. And I wanted to show you I’m willing to do what’s necessary,” she prattled.
“Maybe I want it complicated. Maybe I want to inconvenience myself, as you so eloquently put it. Maybe I want to touch you and take my time stoking your desire. And trust me, darling, when I’m done with you, your oil won’t be necessary. You will be dripping wet for me.” Now his eyes flashed with thunderous emotions.
Her mouth gaped open in amazement while a wave of desire liquified her flesh. Oh yes, he could do that to her. It wouldn’t even be difficult. He had the ability to arouse her with words alone. For a moment they stared at each other, and she knew he was aware of the desire shimmering in her. She wondered if he would act on it.
Instead, and to her disappointment, he stood up abruptly and started pacing the small space, as if the tension was affecting him, too. At last, he stopped by one of the windows, staring outside, his back to her.
“I know what the purpose of our coming together is. But that doesn’t mean it has to be a mechanical affair, in which we only perform the necessary actions with no emotion or pleasure. Hell, I’m not even sure I could perform under those circumstances.”
He turned to face her. “Tell me the truth. Why are you trying to strip the act of pleasure and closeness?”
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She could hardly tell him she was uncomfortable with this forbidden pleasure, or that she feared falling in love with him if she allowed a deeper involvement. What excuse could she give to appease him without giving herself away? She looked down, trying to think fast, and he mistook her gesture for shame.
“If you feel guilty about breaking your vows, and this is your way of atoning, please know that taking no pleasure in the act doesn’t change the fact of what this is. We either accept the consequences and embrace it wholeheartedly, or not at all.”
She latched on to the excuse. It wasn’t even a lie. She did feel guilty about breaking her marriage vows, even if it was her own husband who had asked her to do so. But if she only did it out of duty, to provide him with the heir he needed, she could convince herself she was still a virtuous woman.
“I know you are right. But taking pleasure in the act seems even more wicked.”
He came back and sat down next to her.
