CHAPTER 19
His jaw tensed, hisnostrils flared, and his body stiffened at her probe. She was getting into forbidden territory, and she should tread carefully. For all that Dariux was a natural leader, outspoken and self-assured, she sensed he was also a deeply private person who let very few people into his personal realm.
He was silent for a few seconds, and Kalli thought he would not answer, but then he spoke. His voice was deeper and darker than she had ever heard it.
“Are you sure you want to know? My reasons are not the stuff of fairytales.”
“I want to know everything you feel comfortable telling me about yourself.”
He gave a bark of ironic laughter. “I will never be comfortable talking about certain events in my life. But perhaps you need to know. So that you don’t feel tempted to spin fantasies about me.”
She gulped. What could be so bad that it required that disclaimer?
“You told me your earliest memories were of your parent’s love. Mine were of my father abusing my mother.”
She could not prevent the gasp of horror that escaped her mouth. He didn’t seem to even hear her. He was in a private hell of his own.
“Violence and danger marked my childhood. My father was a jealous and insecure bastard who took out his frustrations on my mother and me. He would fly into a rage and accuse her of cheating, of not ‘loving’ him. Whatever his definition of love was. The attacks became so frequent that my mother and I developed a system to protect me from him. As soon as we started seeing the symptoms, she would give me a sign, and I was to run and lock myself in my room and not come out until she came for me. From there, I would hear their yells and the crashes as they fought each other.”
His faraway gaze shifted and focused on her. “Can you imagine, Kalli? A four-year-old knowing when he had to run and lock himself away so that his parents could fight each other like savages?”
She didn’t know what to say. The horror of what he was describing was too much. “Why did your mother stay with him?”
His mouth twisted with bitterness. “Because of love, of course. They loved each other. Whenever they were not trying to kill each other.”
“That isn’t love.”
“Isn’t it? I don’t know. It was certainly an emotion powerful enough to override reason. When the fights were over, my mother would come to me all battered and bruised. Sometimes even bleeding. My father would disappear for days, and I would wish he never came back. But, of course, he always did. And then the tension, the watching and waiting for the next storm, would start.”
“I’m so sorry. No child should have to live with that fear.”
“That went on for years, until I was eight or nine, when the police took him away. I thought we would at last have peace, but within the year, my mother had found another ‘love.’ A few months later, when that didn’t work out, there was another. None of them were as abusive as my father, but neither were they loving or nurturing towards a traumatized child who clung too much to his mother. They would get impatient with me for wanting her attention, and I would get resentful towards them for monopolizing my mother’s time.
“None of those relationships would last more than a few months, and then my mother was left crying and devastated again. And I was the only one there to pick up the pieces.”
“That was a terrible burden to place on a child.” Kalli didn’t want to criticize his mother. She didn’t even know if the woman was still alive. But the indignant rage on behalf of the little boy Dariux had been must have colored her tone.
