“From that day forward, I knew I couldn’t possibly stay by your side. I’d never be the wife you needed, so I started planning for a separation. Ninette suggested we move to France and live quietly, anonymously, and it seemed like a good idea. But even if that were possible, it would deprive you of an heir, because for as long as I lived, you couldn’t marry again, and you didn’t deserve that.”
She spun, and her eyes met his.
“It was most unfair really, that I never conceived, even though I had submitted dutifully to the act that is supposed to engender children. So I convinced myself to keep trying for a little while longer while we looked for the perfect place to move to. I hoped I could give you an heir and then ask you for a separation with less guilt. Even if you were not able to re-marry, you could enjoy... the pleasures of the flesh. You could have lovers or a mistress. I could live quietly with Ninette as my companion, and we would be amicable and share in the raising of our child. It was not ideal, but it was the best solution I could imagine.”
He listened to the story with an impassive face, but inside he boiled with a mixture of pain, shame, and anger. Finally he understood, and he was glad for the enlightenment. But at what cost? To hear her say their encounters had felt like a violation...
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dale asked in a tight voice. “Forget the heir; I would have granted you the separation.”
“How could I possibly tell you, Will?” Eloise exploded. “I felt like a freak, like the lowest sort of creature on the planet. If you had been a cruel or neglectful husband, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about how I felt, but you were loving and kind. I wanted to at least give you a son. Something to make up for my shortcomings. I wanted it so badly that I deluded myself into thinking I was pregnant that day. The fact was that my courses were a few days late, but it was far too early to be sure.”
“What happened the day you left? I blamed myself for your death. I thought you had left because of... what had transpired between us.”
She shook her head. “I had already decided to leave. Ninette and I had been looking to buy a property in the south of France for several months. I planned to use the inheritance from my grandmother to purchase it. It took some time to find the right place, but eventually our agent succeeded, and I bought it.
“I knew it was time to leave, but I kept delaying, hoping to still get pregnant and be able to give you an heir. When my courses didn’t start as expected, I got the notion that I was finally pregnant. I had done my duty and could be free with a clear conscience. Everyone could get what they wanted and everything would be civilized.”
“But I didn’t want to let you go, so I proposed my bargain. And you took it out of desperation.”
“Not entirely... I wanted to try, one last time, before I made an irrevocable decision. I wanted to see if there really was no chance for us. That’s why I asked you to tie me.” Eloise hung her head in shame once more. “I wanted to overcome my nature. Even if I had to force myself.”
“Instead, you used me to force you.” His voice was hoarse with shame.
CHAPTER 54 - The aftermath
“NO!” ELOISE’S GAZEflew to him. “I didn’t see it that way. I thought it was what you wanted.”
“Wrong. I didn’t just want your body. I only ever wanted your passion, your love. I died a little every time we were intimate because I knew you didn’t desire me as I did you. At first, I thought you were too innocent, and with time, you’d feel more comfortable with sex. After a few months of marriage, it was hard to cling to that hope, but I still deluded myself thinking I could make you want me, love me. I did not know I was on an impossible quest.”
“I’m sorry, Will. If I could change the way I feel—”
“Don’t apologize for being the way you are, or feeling the way you do. After all, we can’t choose who we are, can we? I don’t fault you for that, Eloise. But we can choose how we act. I want to know how you came to think it was a good idea to make me believe you were dead.”
Eloise swallowed and sank back down into the chair.
“As I said, I had already planned to leave, and after our encounter that afternoon, I confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that there was no hope for us, for even though I found... pleasure in your arms and my body reacted to your touch, instead of feeling happy and fulfilled, all I felt was deeply ashamed.
