What now? Did he love her in return? He seemed very attracted to her, and he certainly enjoyed their intimacy. But she knew that for some people, sex and love did not always go hand in hand. Maybe for him she was just a convenient release of his pent up sexual urges. He had indirectly warned her not to speak of love after the first time they had been intimate. Maybe he had been hinting at his emotions. He certainly had never spoken of love in relation to her, and had made it very clear he had loved his first wife dearly.
Yeah, given the evidence, she had to conclude that while he was probably sexually attracted to her (and she had to admit; they were very compatible in that regard); he was not in love with her. And would probably never be. All his love had gone to Eloise, who hadn’t been able to appreciate it or return it.
Ah, how unfair and chaotic human emotions were. Why couldn’t people fall in love in a rational manner? But wasn’t that part of the beauty of love? Its unpredictability and irrationality?
“My dear?” Dale asked.
“Uh?” Olivia shook away her musings. “Sorry, my mind wandered for a second there.”
“Cousin Alasdair was asking if we will attend his mother’s ball the day after tomorrow?”
“I...” What to say? This was Dale’s family. She didn’t want to seem rude, but now more than ever, she didn’t want to become more entangled in his world. “I am not sure. I’ll leave it to your discretion.”
“We have not yet decided how long we will stay in London, cousin. I will send word tomorrow if we are able to attend, but if not, give my regrets to my aunt and tell her I trust her ball will be a complete success.”
“I understand. If I was newlywed, I wouldn’t want to spend my evenings going to balls either. Much more fun to spend the time on other, more worthwhile pursuits,” Alasdair said with a wink. “Isn’t that so, cousin?”
Dale narrowed his eyes at him. “Don’t be impertinent. I can still thrash you, you know.”
Alasdair laughed at the empty threat and took his leave. “Duchess, it’s been my absolute pleasure to meet you.” He took her hand and kissed it. “I wish you and my cousin many years of happiness. And many sons.”
She didn’t know how to respond to that, so she smiled genially. “It has been my pleasure as well.” What was it with these aristocrats and their obsession with procreation? Although the pang she felt deep inside at the thought of a little boy just like Dale seized her breath for a moment. Granted, it was improbable. But the possibility existed. She had already considered it, and in her heart, she was not averse to it.
Pure insanity.
She should take care and insist on some sort of contraception. They must have something in these times. If she got pregnant, it would be a great complication. That would definitely ensure she would not be able to return to her life. She would never leave her child behind, and to take it from Dale would be just as cruel. No, if she were to conceive, she would have to stay here with him. The prospect was equal parts terrifying and appealing.
***
DALE NOTICED OLIVIA’Spreoccupation after his cousin left. He was so attuned to her he could feel the smallest changes in her mood. What was she thinking? Did she reflect on how she had failed to conceive before? Had his cousin’s thoughtless quip brought back that pain? Damn Alasdair for being an indelicate prig. He had no right to mention babies, even if that was what society expected of an aristocratic wife.
Or maybe her mood stemmed from her not wanting to have a baby with him. How could he not have thought about the possibility before? Even during his youth, he had always been so careful not to conceive a child carelessly. As far as he knew, he had sired no bastards. The only other person he had never avoided impregnating had been Eloise. The thought of that baby that never came to be was like a raw wound in his heart that he knew would never heal. He had not only destroyed Eloise, but their unborn child as well.
And now there was Livvy. It would be unwise, given the circumstances, but wise or not, his heart overflowed at the thought of creating a child with her. It might have happened already. They had certainly been quite diligent in that regard.
The craving was so strong he had to cut off that line or thought. No, he shouldn’t wish to trap her like that. His selfishness had destroyed the woman he had loved before. He could not allow his selfish wishes to cause Olivia any harm. They had not been thinking clearly, the two of them. They had rushed headlong into their passion without considering the consequences. But now that he had, he would talk to her and abide by her decision. It was the least he could do.
That night when Olivia entered his room, already in her nightgown, he broached the subject. They had to discuss it before things spiraled out of control.
“Livvy, there’s something my cousin’s comments made me think about. The possibility of a child.”
She looked up sharply. In her eyes he saw that the idea had been on her mind as well, but also saw surprise at him broaching the subject. As if startled that such a private thought was out in the open.
“I can’t believe I had not considered it before,” he went on, “and I want to apologize for my carelessness.”
“No need to apologize, Dale. I was just as careless. I thought about it briefly, after the first time we were intimate. But the possibility seemed very slim, given that before I spent over a year trying to get pregnant, and it never happened. It would be unlikely that I would conceive so soon now.”
“Unlikely, but not impossible, isn’t it?”
“I guess... it is possible.” She looked down and fidgeted with the laces of her gown.
Dale walked up to her and gently placed his hand under her chin, urging her face up to look at him. “Do you want it to happen? What would you do if you conceived?”
“I don’t know, Dale. I don’t know the answer to either of those questions. Or rather, I should say my head and my heart can not agree on the answer. When I first considered the possibility of a pregnancy, my heart jolted with joy, and my head recoiled in panic. I really don’t know what I want or what I would do if my carelessness has consequences.”
“I feel the same way. On the one hand, I want you to have my baby with frightening intensity. But I see what a difficult situation that would create for you. I would never want to take your choices away from you.”
“Thank you for that.”
