CHAPTER 61 - The Breaking point
WITH A SINKING HEART, she realized he was right. The problems were insurmountable. She wanted to have him with her, but not at the cost of everything that made him who he was. This man was a lord and master. He had a prominent position and extraordinary fortune. He was part of the government of a powerful empire, where he wielded significant influence. His estate was like a palace fit for a king. In fact, all his properties and businesses were like a small kingdom that he ruled competently.
He was rich, powerful, and smart. Now that he was free of the guilt for his wife’s death, he could marry again, have children to carry on his title and legacy. He would love once more. Of that she was sure, for he had a great capacity for love. Yes, she had to let him go. He was not for her. They had had an idyllic time together. They had helped each other heal and love again. This was a special time away from time. A bubble. But like any bubble, it couldn’t last too long. She bowed her head to hide the crushing sadness in her eyes. But when she spoke, her voice was almost calm.
“I understand. It seems neither of us can successfully inhabit the other’s world. But we had this time together, and it’s been lovely. I want you to know I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Even if in the end it will bring us pain.”
“Neither would I. This time with you has been the happiest of my life. But it is not over yet. We still have seven days and twelve hours left. Let’s use them well.” And to emphasize the point, he sealed her mouth with a kiss.
The next day, Dale had to leave early for several appointments. He said he wanted to deal with business matters here in London, so that they could retire to the country and have the next several days completely to themselves. He didn’t want to waste one precious hour of the time they had left.
It had been so difficult to get out of bed this morning. She had clung to him, not wanting to lose his warmth, the feel of his body next to hers. She wanted to go back to sleep and pretend the previous day had not happened.
He had made love to her until she was soft and pliant, and exhaustion gave her a measure of peace to go back to slumber. She was not peaceful now, however. She was restless and anxious. It was torture to wait for him. The more their time ran out, the more clingy she became. It was appalling, and she had no control over her emotions.
“Livvy, is something the matter?”
She startled at the sound of his voice and turned around to greet him, trying to summon a smile that probably looked more like a grimace. “It’s nothing. I’m glad you are back.” She went to him, arms outstretched and walked right into his open arms and snuggled her head in the crook between his neck and shoulder. He hugged her to him and deposited a kiss on her upturned face.
“What’s wrong, love? I can tell you are upset. Did something happen while I was out?”
“No, nothing happened. It’s just... this whole situation.” She shrugged. “I suppose it is hitting me now... hard.”
***
HE TIGHTENED HIS ARMSaround her, rested his cheek on the top of her head. “I know, sweetheart.” It was hitting him hard too and was going to hit him even harder when she left. But he had to be strong for her. For both of them. It was clear she was on the verge of a breakdown. Livvy was all emotion and feelings, and he loved her for that.
Whereas if there was one thing they had drilled him on since birth, it was how to conceal emotion, show an impassive facade, give nothing away. Even in the face of unbearably painful loss. And as hard as the lesson had been at times, he had to admit it had served him well in his life. As a peer, he was always under scrutiny, his actions always analyzed and commented upon. He was glad he was able to not add fodder to the gossip by effectively hiding his feelings.
Yet he had let his guard down with Livvy. Yesterday, his mask had slipped completely. He had to rebuild his facade before they both spun out of control. They needed a distraction. He wasn’t sure now that going back to the hall immediately was a good idea. They would be constantly aware of time slipping by. London provided more entertainment, but they would have to deal with the ever present intrusion of society. And now that she was going to leave, the fewer people who met her, the better. Maybe they could go to one of his other estates.
He caressed her arm, took a deep breath, and spoke calmly. “I have an idea. We have several days. Why not take a holiday? Would you like to go to the sea? I have a small estate near the coast. It would be just the two of us.” he wanted to have her all to himself. No interruptions or intrusions. He had to pack a lifetime's worth of memories of love into a few short days.
She looked up, her eyes full of sadness, but he thought she looked a little more calm. “I would like that.”
“It’s settled then. We will spend a week there before going to the Hall. It will be us, the sand, the sea, nature. And there will be no past or future. We will live each day only in the present. I’m going to send word to have my train carriage prepared. If we leave tomorrow at dawn, we can be there before noon. I think you will love it. There’s a secluded cove with a white sand beach. It will be fun.”
And for a few days at least, they would purposely forget that for them, there was no future.
