‘Well, I have always sought to kill him.’ I said thinking about how I could break this bond.
Cain shook his head. The words on the note changing.
Not that, but your death. His death does not release you from the bond, it only releases him.
His words stunned me for a brief moment as I absorbed the bleak reality that I was stuck with this growing repulsion in my body at the thought of another man or woman touching me. Perhaps it will get so bad I can’t ever have my physical needs met again and I will just decide to end it all anyway because thatwould be no way to live. The words disappeared, and the taunting question mark reappeared, clearly not liking whatever it was he saw in my expression. Perhaps it was the slight smile I let out while I contemplated my death. Definitely a cause for concern.
‘We went to the Wiccans. Visarous was working for Morgad as a spy this entire time. He betrayed us all and I killed him for it. But before that, I tortured him, and the anger that consumed me caused the eternal flame roiling under my skin to burst to the surface. I burnt him, Cain. I retested everyone’s allegiance using the flame, but I don’t trust it; I can’t look at any of you the same way again. I took him to bed with me, Cain. I was blinded by emotion and look where it left me? I can’t do this. I can’t be close to any of you ever again.
‘I know it wasn’t you, but it could be—maybe not today, but one day. I will do something that makes you deem me unworthy and I can’t go through that betrayal again. I am holding on by sheer force of will at this point, so no more. From this moment on, we are not friends. You are my Master of Secrets. No hunting trips, no asking how I am. If you see me breaking apart from the panic, leave me on the floor and walk away. You are never to place a hand on me again. From this moment, we are nothing to each other but ruler and subject, working towards a common goal.’
His eyes were awash with emotion, but I didn’t care to decipher a single one. The words on his note churned, never settling, before he took a step back, enveloped himself in black smoke, and flew away.
Twenty-Eight
The Academy was deathly silent by the time I walked up. The students were still on break, and Demir hadn’t arrived yet. The only people here were those who worked the grounds or the kitchens, but they remained unseen and unheard. I found myself in the conservatory again, and although I should have been plagued by thoughts of Visarous and my revelation about the feelings I held for him being slightly more than just physical, all I could think about was Demir’s comforting touch as I sat here. I wanted it once more. Maybe it was because I had made the decision to push everyone away, or maybe it was because this link between our souls had truly latched its claws into me.
The Wiccans had, however, done me a favour with the three promises. They promised to take him away from me, so even if I was tempted to fall into his arms, I could never fully go through with it. I wouldn’t fall into the same trap I fell into with Visarous. But I could fantasise about a different life the way I had as I read those books in my library, imagining what his arms would feel like wrapped around me. God, I felt pathetic for how starved I was for touch and affection, that I suddenly craved a man I had spent my life hating.How could I be so desperate?
Pulling the mattress in front of the large window, I watched the stars and played out an entire scenario of what my life could be. One where Demir and I had met at the Academy, our families and lands had been allies. We exchanged stolen glances in the hall and shared that easy, childish love I saw so many of my peers experience while I was busy grieving, my world cleaving in two at every opportunity. We would graduate with a promise to be wed to further cement the ties between our families, and although it would be a political marriage, we would fall hard and fast. And as if I had summoned the Mrak itself, a cough sounded behind me. Demir.
I tipped my head further back soaking him in from head to toe, my body unwillingly responding to the muscles that peaked through the short sleeves of his shirt. The black pants that hugged his thighs and the amused expression he wore while taking in my prone form on the floor. Not very becoming of a queen.
‘I think you should leave,’ I said, dismissing him, wanting to bring some distance between us because only yesterday I had been grieving the loss of a man, and now here I was, struggling not to chew through my bottom lip as pure want and need overwhelmed my systems. The flame in my veins wanted him. It felt agitated with him being so close yet just out of reach. My skin wanted to feel his under mine. The gods had really created a magic unlike anything else. Sienna had given me many tonics and elixirs over the years and cast numerous incantations over me, but none gave the same compulsion as this bond did. I wondered if it felt this way for Demir—or if the legends were true and he felt more—because I felt like I was on the edge of falling for a man I didn’t truly know.
‘Why?’ he probed, stepping deeper into the room until he stood beside my splayed-out form. He crouched down as his eyes raked over me, drinking me in. He felt it too.
‘I know what you are. What it means—Ruhi,’ I breathed, sitting upright, facing him. He didn’t act shocked; he knew Iwouldn’t have let it go after hearing the term escape him the last time we were in these walls.
‘And?’ he probed again, not giving me more than one word at a time, hoping I would fill the space, but I couldn’t play this game.
‘And nothing,’ I said, laying back down. Pulling my eyes away from him was nearly impossible, but I forced myself to look out the window once more. Without saying another word, he lay down next to me on the mattress. I tried not to react, but my breaths became shallow as my throat thickened. His pinky gently caressed the back of my hand as I took in a breath. Warmth radiated through me from that brief touch, and I wanted more. I held myself so tightly, not allowing a single muscle to move, because if I moved even an inch, I couldn’t trust where I would stop. Rational thought was slowly escaping, not that I had much of it in general to begin with.
He brushed his finger over me for a second, and this time he wrapped his hand around mine. Mentally, I wanted to fight it; physically, I wanted to fuse our skin together so he could never let go. The feeling of his touch brings the safety, stability and peace I have been searching for my entire life.
Fuck, I want her. Why can’t I just have her?His thoughts leached into my mind at his touch.
‘None of it is real.’ His mind echoed his confusion, so I clarified, ‘This thing between us, drawing us together. It’s not real. These feelings are the product of some magical bond—it might as well be a Wiccan’s curse.’ Pulling my hand away, I folded my fingers over each other on my stomach, not wanting to hear what thoughts ran through his mind next. But I didn’t need the flame to tell me; he did.
‘I think I’ve been in love with you for a very long time, Princess.’ Bolting upright, I sat up faster than I ever had, looking down at him, trying to find the lie, but the flame in his gaze and the quiet in my veins told me he spoke the truth. A tiny desperate and lost part of me had hoped deep down his pulltowards me would be deeper than the bond, based in something real, but I had never heard it from his lips, not like this.
‘What?’ I choked out. I felt panicked, and I probably looked it too, as the amusement returned to his chiselled and handsome face and twinkling, honey-dipped eyes.
‘You may have hated me, Skylar, but not once did I ever hate you. For a long time, it was just curiosity. I was confused by how much I tracked your movements in the halls, how I could be in a hallway filled with people and I would always find you instantly in the crowd. Then, the obsession grew. I would wait with bated breath for you to speak during classes so I could hear your voice. I would steal things, small things of yours, like a pen, when you would step away from your desk. I had convinced myself it was the feud, and I was just trying to annoy you. The moment I realised it was something more was when I stole a cup you had drank from. I pressed my lips to it and imagined it was your lips on mine. I drank from that cup for the entire final year of the Academy. I carried your hair tie around my wrist for years until it became so worn that it snapped. I remember the day vividly, Princess. I broke every piece of furniture in my room because the moment I lost that little tether to you, I felt like I had lost you.
‘So you may have hated me all this time, Princess, but I’ve always seen you as so much more than my enemy. The moment I found out you were my Ruhi, I was shocked, but the more I thought about it, it actually made sense. My obsession with you, I think deep down somewhere, I always knew you were mine.’
I wanted to peel my skin off because the universe, the gods and the flame were all playing tricks on me. Not once did the eternal flame tell me that any of it was a lie, and I needed it to be. I sat there staring at him for what felt like hours, not saying a word, but he didn’t push me any further. Instead, he trailed his fingers in soothing circles up and down my arm. I should have gotten up and run away; instead, I was falling asleep to the feel of him next to me.
‘Is this why you aren’t fighting the bond more?’ I asked desperately, already knowing the answer.
‘Why deny myself something I’ve only ever dreamed of? Don’t I deserve more from this life?’
I drifted off, wondering if I deserved more but I knew the answer to that. No. Never.
Regardless of the turmoil of my mind his presence lead to the most peaceful sleep I had ever experienced in my entire life, and when I woke up, I wished things could be different for the first time. Never had I ever wanted that, not really, but now I did. All because of my little princeling.
Twenty-Nine
