‘I don’t want to say. If I do, it all becomes far too real,’ I mumbled, feeling vulnerable and bare.
‘You have just cried in my arms and told me you can no longer do this alone. Start now, start by telling me what your mind is convincing you to hide.’
I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears, sitting up straighter and bracing myself for what I was about to say.
‘Prince Demir of Morgad. He is… he is my soul bonded mate. He found me, he held my hand and he comforted me,’ I said, barely believing the words I was speaking. Her mouth gaped open as she tried to find something to say as she processed everything. Not giving her the chance, I continued, ‘No one knows except for Cain. I don’t even feel anything, but Demir is affected. He is behaving differently with me; he hesitated during the duel. He couldn’t strike me the way I could strike him. God, I really must be broken beyond repair if the gods gifted me a soul bond and I could so easily plunge a knife into him.’
‘Do you feel anything for him other than your usual hatred?’ she asked, trying to lighten the mood.
I shook my head. ‘No. But I can hear him. If we touch, I can hear what he is thinking, and when he touches me, there is this warmth that settles over me. Once the contact is broken, I feel colder than I did before. But that’s it; my body doesn’t want more. My mind and heart are indifferent to him. I still hate him; he and everything he represents still disgusts me. I still want to cause him and his entire family unimaginable pain but… after I realised what he was, something small clicked into place and when Visarous tried to touch me my skin itched. But this is the opening I have been looking for with Morgad. Sienna nodded slowly, taking in everything I had said.
‘You’re going to be playing a dangerous game, Skylar. I don’t think it wise to spit in the face of the gods to win your war. I think you need to find another way,’ she said.
‘I have no choice, Sienna. What other way is there? This is the closest I have come to dismantling Morgad from the inside out. The purpose of my life is to sacrifice. If that means sacrificing some soul bonded mate I despise, I would be more than happy to do so. Now I have to tell Visarous what I told you and put an end to the games we have been playing.’
Sienna’s hazel eyes looked apprehensive before she said, ‘If you do this, it could push him too far; his energy has been off as of late. I am worried about what it will do to him and what he might do in return.’
I dismissed her instantly. ‘I trust him, Sienna. No matter what transpires between us, he will never put his feelings before our people. Though my track record for trusting people as of late has not been the best.’ I laughed her off.
Standing, I hugged her one last time before heading off to find Visarous. I found him in the training room. He was shirtless, his pale, lean body dripping with sweat as he punched and elbowed the wooden practice figure before him. His breathing was heavy as he stopped and dragged the back of his wrist across his forehead, wiping away the drops of glistening sweat. I walked deeper into the room as he looked up at me. His gaze met mine as he watched me walk closer and closer, closing the distance between us. His playful grin met me.
It was that mischievous face that sent my body singing all those years ago in the Academy halls with his boyish charm, but that draw had long since faded. Demir flashed through my mind. Shaking it off like an insect, I pressed on. I had to do what was right for Visarous for once and not be as selfish as I had been. If the Awakening had done anything, it was opening me up to the fact that the way I had been living not only hurt those around me but also poisoned me further, pushing me deeper into the darkness and isolation that plagued me. If I wanted to be free of the panic, I had to discover who I was underneath it all. I couldn’t be fuelled by rage any longer. It had shattered me.
‘Visarous, we need to talk.’
Mockingly, he responded, ‘Oh no, those are never the words you want to hear from a lady.’
‘I’m no fucking lady, I am your Queen. But that’s beside the point right now. I’ve been selfish with you, but we cannot keep doing this. I’m done using you to fill some fucked up void in my life. It’s not right and I won’t do it anymore. I will never be what you want me to be. I lied.’
‘It’s okay, Sky. I knew what I was getting myself into. I know who you are and why you are this way. I still love you, though, despite it all. Now tell me, what have you lied about? There is nothing unforgivable that you could ever do in my eyes,’ he said.
‘I found them, Visarous. I found my soul bonded one. I’m sorry, but what you want, I truly can never give it to you.’
He stumbled back as if I had struck him. His eyes widened as he took me in. I saw the resolve in my eyes. Prior to this moment, he could always see the small rivulet of doubt in my features—an invitation, no matter how harsh my words were, to try again. But this time, there was no door left open to him.
‘Who is it?’ he stammered, panic in his eyes. All hope was lost in an instant as everything he had ever envisioned happening between us faded into nothing.
Foreshadowing his anger, I hesitated about whether to tell him who it was. ‘You can’t be angry, I have no control over any of this.’
‘Tell me,’ he said through gritted teeth and clenched fists.
‘Demir.’
Visarous erupted into almost maniacal laughter at the absurdity of what he had just heard. He turned back to the wooden practice figure and kicked it with such force that it flew across the room. I couldn’t help but flinch as the action sent me straight back to my childhood. When my father became overwhelmed by his anger and broke things or tried to break my bones, that little girl was gone. Now I was the one who instilled fear in others I reminded myself.
‘Skylar, this is some twisted fucking joke. Tell me the truth!’ he demanded.
I looked at him, pleading for him to believe me. ‘It’s true, I knew after we last spoke, Visarous. I can hear his thoughts. I never could before, but since the flame, something in me has changed. I can hear them. I suppose I wasn’t truly whole before my ascension for the soul bond to recognise me; only once the eternal flame merged with me did the gods see me for who I was and how I fit with his soul.’
He levelled me with a most lethal stare. ‘You disgust me. Him of all people,’ he spat.
‘You know I had no say in this! You think I’m not disgusted? I hate him with every fibre of my being. I have spent the better part of my life fantasising about how I would end him and his father one day. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of it. Do not blame me. I feel nothing for him, if it were my choice. If I could honestly choose, I would not choose him.’
‘You say you would not choose him, but would you choose me?’ he asked.
I met him with silence. I knew that if I uttered the words they would shatter him, but he understood. The answer wasNo.
‘Go fuck yourself, Skylar. I will never understand why I have never been enough,’ he said, pain etching his voice.
