Two
The walk through the bluestone hallways of my home led me deeper into the castle. My chambers were one of the few places where I could shed some of who I had to be for who I really was. Few saw these parts of me, but like clockwork, a rap knocked at my wooden door. Visarous hesitated at the threshold, his eyes searching my room for anyone else.
‘It’s just us,’ I said, pushing the door wider for him to enter. He took his usual place in my sitting area, right by the fire on one of my emerald velvet sofas. Taking the seat beside him, I let the silence drag on, waiting for him to make the first move. Instead, he eyed me with that same cautious glint in his pale blue eyes.
‘Going soft on me are we Visarous? You could barely get away fast enough after what I did to Blake. Do you have a problem with my methods?’ Clenching his teeth he hesitated again. ‘Speak,’ I urged.
Sighing heavily, he met my gaze. His eyes were piercing, carrying so much depth that I questioned whether, after all these years, I knew him at all. We attended the Academy togetherfrom the age of fourteen until we graduated. ‘I was scared,’ he finally responded. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. The man I knew would not be scared of a little blood—unless…
‘Do you truly believe I would do anything like that to you, Visarous? After everything we’ve gone through together? After everything I’ve already done to you, you know I could never do that, not to you.’ A primal heat enveloped me. His eyes glinted at the words, undoubtedly thinking about all the late nights we had shared together in the library at the Academy. Stolen glances, barely perceptible touches that culminated in an explosion of lust and passion. We had been intimate over the years, but there were no feelings beyond what our bodies felt for each other.
Shaking his head, he sat next to me. ‘Did I ever tell you why I chose to be a Spirit Caster, Sky? Control. I needed to find a way to control my darker desires. You and Viv revel in them—act on them—but I know that if I ever gave in and took a life, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I didn’t want to be him, but there was another reason.’ Byhim, he meant their father, the Bloody Baron and my mother’s Master of War. His reputation and bloodlust were known throughout every realm—until I took over the throne and quickly eclipsed his stories with my own. His thirty years in the field were nothing compared to my twelve months on this throne. He died on the same day as my mother having sworn a similar oath to the one Viv had sworn to me.
‘What was that other reason?’
‘You. I quickly saw the path Viv was going down and how she would fit into your life and your future. I did not have an affinity for anything else but spirit casting was something I could learn that would ensure I would always be a part of your life, standing close by your side.’ Unable to process how deep his emotions ran and the fact that he had chosen an entire path in his life just to be close to me, I redirected the conversation to something I could understand.
‘So, you enjoyed what I just did? What did you enjoy, exactly?’I asked. He dropped his head in shame, but some twisted, primal part of me found it thrilling to make a man squirm in discomfort. ‘Was it the blood? The screams? Or was it the power of holding someone’s feeble soul in your hands and having the ability to decide whether to spare it or crush it completely? There’s nothing wrong with taking a life, Visarous. I know the cloth would have you believe so, but it’s what we have to do in order to survive.’ I placed my hand on his thigh, and his eyes met mine for the briefest moment before he lost himself in the memory of what I had just done; how it would feel if he were in my shoes.
‘I’m not you, Skylar.’ Pulling his mind back to the present, he clasped my hand, his eyes boring into mine, seeking my understanding. ‘Please don’t get me wrong. I know why you are the way you are, but I made an oath—one I truly believe in—and I can’t ever act on those impulses.’
‘Prey, do tell, why am I the way that I am?’ Pulling my hand from his, I moved back, gaining some distance. I had never felt like I was enough, and here was someone I cared about to some degree telling me there was something wrong with being like me.
‘You’ve been through so much. You have been hurt more times in this life than most would be in a hundred lifetimes. The world and the spirits have thrown every misery that this world has to offer at you, and you had no one to protect you from any of it. The people who should have been there were either absent or taken from you too soon to do anything. You had to fend for yourself through it all. Viv and I were too inconsequential to really protect you. So were Cain and Sienna. You’re a victim to your circumstances. You hurt everyone and everything first so that nothing can ever hurt you again. I get it.’ He raised his hand to wipe the tears I didn’t realise were falling. I had never cried in front of him. The only people to see my tears were Cain, Sienna, and my father on his deathbed. Visarous knew me. He had verbalised everything I had thought about myself but had beenunable to admit. Some tether holding me together snapped in that moment opening my vulnerabilities up like a wound. I hated feeling so exposed.
‘I’m not a victim.’ I said feebly casting my eyes away from his discerning gaze.
His fingers traced my face, and the cool touch of his hand had me leaning into his touch as he cupped my cheek. Wanting to chase away the thoughts and unfamiliar feelings I had closed myself off from, I pushed his body down on the sofa and climbed to straddle him. Desire burned in his eyes before it was overtaken by something else.
‘Stop. You don’t want to do this, Sky. We aren’t at the Academy anymore. You said once you ascended the throne, we would never use each other like this again. You will regret using me to lick your wounds and running from reality.’ Pushing me back, he stood, creating some space between us. A heavy sigh left me; I knew he was right.
For a time, Visarous and I found great comfort in each other’s embrace; that is why he knew me so well, but I couldn’t jeopardise my rule. ‘Call Cain and send him to my room.’ Moving to the door, I held it open for him.
Visarous hesitated. He had never liked that Cain had seen parts of me that I kept hidden from him.
My blood-stainedfighting leathers lay on the floor of my closet. In nothing but a black satin gown, I sat at the edge of my bed, breathing through the onslaught of emotions Visarous’ words had unleashed in my mind. There was no reason for them to have the impact they did, except that I had already developed a tenuous grasp on my emotional state from having to constantly keep myself in check over the years.
Cain slid in behind me, pulling me to lay beside him in myfour-poster bed. His familiar black hair, sharp green eyes and honey dipped skin greeted me. Cain knew me in a way that Visarous and the others didn’t; he gave me safety when I was on the edge. His impenetrable silence was a source of comfort. I didn’t fear him pushing me to deal with things I would rather avoid. If I chose to go deep and bare my soul in front of him, I knew without a doubt that he would never tell anyone else. Nestling into his arms, I was enveloped by toned muscles and warmth. The gentle tracing of fingers playing with my hair had me slowly drifting off to sleep.
A shrieking, high-pitched scream had me waking from my sleep and shooting upright. Looking around bleary eyed and panicked, I realised the sound was coming from me as I physically pulled myself from my nightmares. A cold sweat drenched my body, but I felt so hot that I couldn’t breathe as my lungs became heavy and my limbs turned numb. The pitch-black room left me unable to get my bearings; I was trapped in the darkness of my own mind.
Cain’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me back into his chest. Cradling me in his arms, I fought to catch my breath. The sound of my rapidly beating heart flooded my ears. I was lost and consumed by the panic as the feeling in my hands faded, turning into prickles on my skin that climbed higher and higher with each shallow breath. Cain turned my head to the side so that my ear lay flat against his chest. His calm and steady heartbeat drowned out the sounds of my own. The gentle pressure of those arms tightening around me as I matched my breathing to his began to dull the sharp edges of my mind.
I have known and faced many evils in my lifetime, but nothing compares to the horror of the panic. There was nothing more soul crushing than going through a long period of holding it together, fooling yourself into thinking you were fine, only for a nightmare or episode to hit. At least I had Cain to ground me and pull me out. It was worse when I was alone; the panicgripped me so tightly that I would wake up on the floor minutes later, having lost consciousness.
Calming down enough for Cain’s liking, he tentatively removed himself from my back and spun me around, levelling me with a questioning gaze. He knew just as I did that this should not have happened while I was drinking Sienna’s tonics. ‘Go get her, please.’ I sighed, resigning myself.
I was never good at waiting; a minute often felt like an hour to me. Instead of composing myself, I only became more worked up. Sienna stepped into my room alone, likely having dismissed Cain. Her honey-coloured eyes were plastered with worry. Her freckled, translucent skin and long auburn hair shook from the cold. Only now did I realise Cain had thrown every window open in my chambers to soothe me; fresh air always helped. Sienna was a Wiccan and my Master Healer. She flitted through the room, her lithe frame taking a seat beside me on the bed.
Grabbing my wrist, she placed two fingers across it to feel the thrum of my heart. ‘The tonic has stopped working, Sky. I told you this would happen eventually. You’ve now exhausted every option available to control your panic. You need to try the old ways. I know you don’t want to, but you can’t continue like this. It’ll just get worse from here, and you know exactly how debilitating and frequent this can get. Do you even understand just how dangerous it can be? What if you had an episode in front of your enemies, or worse, your people?’
I shook my head, not wanting to believe what she was saying, but I knew in my bones it was true. The panic had caused me so much suffering over the years that I barely remembered my life before, which meant there was some part of me scared to let it go. Perhaps that’s why no other treatment seemed to work for long.
‘Remember why you’re here,’ Sienna whispered, breaking me from my thoughts and hesitation.
I knew what I needed to do. How could I lead my people when I was barely holding on to my sanity? I was likely toimplode at any moment, and that would only jeopardise everything my ancestors had built—everything and everyone in these lands I vowed to protect. Resigning myself, I asked a single question that sent more fear into me than any battlefield. ‘So, when do we do this?’
She let a devious grin creep across her features. ‘There’s no time like the present.’
