‘Nothing, it happens sometimes,’ I said, looking away as I tried and failed to pull away again. Shame riddled me to my core. This was a secret I kept hidden from so many except for my inner circle and now my enemy had seen me at my weakest. After beating him in the arena—displaying my strength to him and every person here today—I had crumbled, allowing him to see the hidden mess that lurked within my soul. A darkness I had buried deep within me.
‘That’s not nothing, Princess,’ he said.
‘It’s queen now,’ I rasped with as much venom as I could muster. I was already humiliated; I would not let him mock me.
He smirked at my response before his eyes grew sad again. ‘You have it don’t you… the panic.’
My whole body went rigid as my mind went blank. Before I could register what had happened, he pulled me tight against his chest and hugged me.
It’s okay, you’re going to be okay,my Ruhi.
I pushed him back, breaking the hug, and pulled myself out of his lap and onto the floor, leaning my back against the stone wall as I slowly caught my breath from my latest episode. Hishand reached out to me before he clenched it and laid it by his side.
‘How did you know?’ I asked, mouth dry.
‘Clara, my sister had it.’ He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair. ‘She had it for years. She said… that being held helped. It was an anchor in those moments, keeping her afloat so she didn’t lose herself. I shouldn’t have,’ he explained. This was not Demir showing me a kindness, it was him seeing his long dead sister and reacting without thinking.
‘It’s true,’ I said. I had already embarrassed myself beyond repair, there was no face left to save so why not be honest. Without another word, Demir moved to sit beside me, and held out his hand for me. I stared at it for a long while before finally entwining my fingers with his. Not knowing what to do I blurted out, ‘How are you feeling?’
Demir laughed at the question. ‘I should be asking you that.’
‘I was not stabbed repeatedly or had a blade twisted in my rib cage,’ I said.
He winced at the memory. ‘No, I suppose you weren’t, but isn’t it worse? These wounds will be gone by morning,’ he said, gesturing at himself, ‘but you will live each day of your life on the edge of this panic, waiting for the wound to rip open again like it did just now. To me, that is a much more painful way to live.’
He was right. I would take a thousand broken bones and a million cuts if it meant one second of peace within my mind.
‘Why are you being nice to me? Why do you care if I succumb to the panic? If I had seen you here like that I would have left you there and walked away.’ I said.
Demir stilled at the question.Because of who you are and what you are.
There it was again.
‘I’m not you. Yes, I have been cruel to you many times, but I am not a cruel person. If it had been my sister lying here, I would hope that someone would show her some compassion. Even if it was my enemy.’
‘Why did you hesitate during the duel? You were faster, stronger; you would have won if you hadn’t hesitated. So why?’ I asked, continuing my interrogation, not wanting to think too much about the fact that I could still hear his thoughts or how annoyance prickled over me at the fact I reminded him of a sibling.
‘I didn’t hesitate,’ he lied as the flame burned me, making me clench his hand tighter.
‘You’re lying. I know when people lie to me, Princeling,’ I said. He looked at me quizzically but saw certainty in my eyes and opted for the truth.
‘I got distracted, it happens,’ he explained.
Not buying the excuse I said, ‘No, it does not. Not to people like us.’ I stared at him, waiting until I heard his mind speak first.
Ruhi.The same word I had heard around him since the ball was now circling the chambers of his mind.
I was exhausted at this point and no longer willing to play games, so I said something I should not have.
‘Why do you keep sayingRuhi? What does it mean?’
Demir’s eyes blazed with shock as he dropped my hand and pulled away. ‘How do you know that word?’
I could not admit that I could hear his thoughts in my mind, so I decided to convince him of falsehoods.
‘I heard you whisper it, I was curious,’ I said, instilling a hint of disinterest in my voice. His eyes widened and his nostrils flared.
‘It’s nothing you will ever need to concern yourself with. Just get some rest. I’m sure you’re exhausted.’
