‘For the time being, no! You fake dating your ex is a now problem.May is forever away, anything can happen, so no need to—’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Nothing! Just what it means! Three months ago, I barely cared that you were straight. Tonight, the thought you could be for someone made me want to burn the town down. That’s how fast things are evolving, so there’s no point in predicting. We’d risk ruining what we’re building.’
‘Well, congrats, Loris! I’m very pleased you’re able to carpe diem your life. Personally, I would have appreciated a heads-up about our expiration date before… Before I…’
Charles brings his fist to his mouth, the shards of his heart crawling their way up his throat.
‘Before what?’ Loris grabs his arm. ‘I don’t think I misled you into making any decisions you’ll regret. You said it yourself, it’s your journey, it’s about you. So what would you have done differently if you knew—’
‘Have you gone a bit dense or are you pretending to be?’ Charles wriggles away. ‘I meant before I fully embraced being in love with you! Isn’t that the tiniest bit about you, dimwit?’
Loris’ hand freezes halfway through a new attempt at touching him, and Charles thwacks it aside, angry beyond reason – his reason gone with the possibility that Patty was losing her marbles.
‘Why do I even need to say it? And how dare you act like I’m the one overreacting now? Like it’s not completely obvious that losing you is something I’ll need years to prepare for? Don’t you know who you’re dealing with?’
‘You’re not—’
‘And yes, you misled me! Not into falling for you. No, that’s on me. It’s not your fault there was a hole the exact shape of you in my chest. But then, you threw meaningful statements at me. And projects. Youmade me believe it was safe for the space you take up to expand and expand, so much that… how will I function if you leave it empty?’
‘I’m not gonna—’
‘Patty’s right! You can’t make yourself indispensable and move on. You can’t leave! Or you should have warned me too. From the start! “Here’s your grenadine, twat. By the way, I’m everything you didn’t know you needed, but I’ll be gone in May.” You should have—’
‘For the love of Pavel, shut up!’
‘—told me— No, I won’t shut up!’
Charles’ heart is freewheeling out of his mouth, he can’t and doesn’t want to hit the brakes, but Loris muzzles him with his palm.
‘Patty is my boss and my landlady, I had to warn her. Plus, I wanted to lower her expectations, because my future doesn’t involve running the North Haven. It involves… Well, nothing is set in stone, but my cousin is getting married in May. I was never gonna spend more than three years in England, the timing matched, so I bought a one-way ticket to Paris. I made that call when you had decided we were better off without each other, so I didn’t have to tell you about it. Now, can I let you breathe? Are you done yelling your feelings at me?’
Charles nods and covers Loris’ hand when it reaches his neck, to keep it there, counting on its warmth to fight the ice that his words are injecting him with.
‘I haven’t told my friends either. Call me selfish, but I don’t want the remainder of my London adventure to feel like an ending, like a series of last times. Something Phoebe and Aliah would dramatically point out every day. But it’s not why I didn’t tell you. It didn’t even cross my mind. You think you’re the only one who can sweep problems under rugs? Please! I patented the concept! So when you came back to me and… we started a series of firsts, all I cared about was to increase your expectations for us. That’s all I care about, still! And sure, it’s gonna become incompatible with my plans at some stage. I know that, deep down under the rugs. I’m not stupid!’
The ice is melting faster than it forms. Loris is all worked up – his skin flushed, his veins popping, his accent thicker than usual – and Charles is getting an abnormal kick out of it.
‘And I’m glad I didn’t tell you and didn’t allow you to… What? What were you gonna do? Deploy your emotional parachute to fall slower? Or land elsewhere? Sorry, but no. Hell no!’
Loris forced that H so hard that Charles tasted it, and hell sounds good, considering Loris looks like a sin he’s aching to commit.
‘Breaking news, Charles! You cut the lines ofmyparachute when you stormed in here all drunk and honest. So how do you think I’m gonna function if you back away? The idea that you could have one foot out gave me murderous urges!’
‘You said pyromaniac urges.’
‘Whatever! My point is—’ Loris arches his back when Charles tries to press their lips together. ‘I’m not done yelling my feelings at you!’
‘I wasn’t done either! And I don’t know why we’re yelling!’
‘Then stop already!’
‘You stop! And take off your clothes!’
‘You take off your— Wait.’ Loris moves back again. ‘What?’
‘I’m not sure what we’re arguing over. And I want you, Loris. I want you so bad. I want a new first and I want it now.’
