I clasped my hands together. The whole revelation was making me incredibly self-conscious. Suddenly the rejections from every single person through my entire life rang through my ears. I was always too much, or not enough. A ‘hot mess express,’ as my so-called high school friends always said. And Ididn’thave my life together. Not in the way Reid did. I was getting blackmailed, for crying out loud, because of my own stupidity. Reid was like an actual adult. He had a home. He wasn’t in a mountain of debt. He ate well-rounded meals. I must seem like a child to him. Someone to take care of.
“Are you okay?” West asked. When my vision refocused on him, I could see the concern shining in his eyes.
Shit. My face had faltered, and I probably looked on the brink of tears.
“I’m great,” I said, plastering a smile back on.
The decorations were almost up. I just had to make it a little longer before I could lose it.
TWENTY-NINE
Hazel
By the timewe pulled back into the driveway of Reid’s house, I already had a plan.
I’d texted Jackson on the way, seeing if he wanted to hang out tonight. Thankfully, he was free and told me to come over.
I needed space, and I needed it now.
Reid apparently already thought of me as a mess; I couldn’t let him see me break down. I just needed a night to collect myself. Then I could talk to him tomorrow, when I was more put together, without all this raw emotion getting in the way and clouding my judgement.
“Want to watch a Christmas movie, or is it too early?” Reid asked, holding the front door open for me.
“Um, actually Jackson invited me over tonight.”
“Jackson,” Reid confirmed. “Didn’t you two just hang out the other day?”
“We did. And then I blew him off, so I really feel like I should stop by. I think we could become friends if I gave it more of a shot.”
A flash of something that looked like disappointment crossed his face, but he nodded. “Of course, you should. I’m glad you’re making friends.”
“Yep.” My mouth went dry. His words were sweet, but they only deepened my sense of being lost and pathetic. Poor little Hazel—couldn’t even make a friend. He’d seen me after my night out with those girls from high school. At the time, he’d seemed like my knight in shining armor, but now I saw it differently. I was a liability. Someone who needed checking on. Someone who needed her hand held just to stay upright.
He looked at the time on his phone. “It’s almost nine. Are you going to?—”
“I’ll probably spend the night,” I added, rushing back to my room to get an overnight bag together. The tears were stinging, begging to be set free, and I fought like hell to hold them back.
IknewI should talk to Reid. And I would. But tomorrow sounded so much better than tonight. I needed to think about this. Collect my thoughts. Lie awake and practice what I’d say to him and rehearse my responses. The last thing I wanted him to see me as was unstable. I couldn’t feed into that narrative. I wanted him to see me as more than that. I wanted him to see that I’d already reached my potential. I wasn’t someone who needed saving.
“Oh…that’ll be fun.” Reid leaned against the doorframe, watching me pack. I shot him a smile, hoping I looked mostly normal.
A breath escaped him in a tired-sounding huff. “Listen, I know my family is a lot. I hope tonight wasn’t too much too fast.”
My chest ached when I met his eyes. “No, it was perfect. I love your family. I’m so happy you included me.”
He didn’t look convinced, but I didn’t have the time to properly reassure him. The gates that held back my flood were about to rupture.
“Okay, I think that’s everything I need.” I patted my bag.
“Hopefully we get a response tomorrow from the security company,” he offered as he trailed behind me, back to the living room.
“Hopefully,” I said with forced brightness. “I’m feeling both nauseous and optimistic about it.”
His lip turned up. “Yeah, me too.”
I slipped my boots back on and grabbed my car keys off the hook by the front of the door. In and out in five minutes flat. That was probably a record for me. Funny how quick I could be when I was motivated. And nothing drove me more right now than the need to hold it together in front of Reid.
“Um, drive safe.” He reached out for me before hesitating and dropping his hand.
