Again, he was right, but my heart didn’t blame him. Why didn’t my heart blame him?
“It was all my fault,” he added. “Me, just one guy. I created a wedge between sisters, ruined your family when Marissa suffered such a violent death because of people associated to me, and then there’s us. It’s my fault we broke up. I can’t fix any of it because one thing led to another, like a fucking chain. A domino effect that collapsed on me and took everything down with it. One stupid mistake turned into a colossal mess. A mess that got Marissa killed and you kidnapped.”
“You didn’t know that would happen.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head at me and scowled.
“No one blamed you Claudius. No one blamed you for her death. Not me, nor my parents. It’s not like we didn’t know what happened.” Maybe it would have been easy to point fingers at him and cast blame, but none of us had. I definitely didn’t.
“Don’t. Don’t try to excuse my guilt. It can’t be. And it’s not safe for you to be around me. Knowing me nearly got you killed. It could have. They took you. They took you, and I wasn’t there to stop it from happening. It showed they could get to you without me knowing or knowing when it’s too late to do more than what I did. Back then, they took you because it made their game more interesting. The bomb was strapped to Marissa because she was my wife.” He ran his hand over his beard. “They wouldn’t have known what I felt for you. It wasn’t safe for you to be around me then, and as long as I’m looking for Goliath, it’s still not safe for you.”
My lips parted, and I sucked in a sharp breath. “Is that what you’re trying to do? Find him?”
I should have actually figured that part out on my own. A dark look flashed in his eyes.
“Yes. That is what I’m doing, and do not ask me to stop searching.”
“It’s dangerous.” No one had found him, and I knew how dangerous the man was. The whole incident had become a federal matter. A matter that no one had been able to resolve. It was an unsolved crime. Probably filed long ago because the feds knew the kind of man Goliath was. He was an international black-market trafficker.
“It doesn’t matter. The danger part doesn’t matter. I didn’t know what the fuck I was getting myself into, but it twisted me up with a man like Goliath. A man outside the remits of the mob. Completely outside. I was a pawn, and I screwed up his plans. That was how he taught me a lesson. Marissa did what she did to me, but she didn’t deserve death. Being with me got her killed. Killed, Ava. There are no more chances, nothing. They killed her, and they took you. I won’t stop looking until I find him.”
My soul shuddered at the prospect of what that could all mean. He could get himself killed.
What would I do then?
“You’re here now. What does that mean? And I’ve seen you more in this one week than I have in four years.”
“It’s selfish.” He winced and brought his hand up to his temple.
“Why?”
“Because once again, I know I shouldn’t be with you, but I can’t leave you alone. I stayed away because it was better to give you a reason to hate me, stay away from me and keep you safe. That was the idea. But here I am acting selfish again.”
We stared at each other for a long, silent moment. His eyes filled with compassion and pain.
He broke the stare by backing away.
I didn’t say anything as he walked out. There was so much on my mind, so much. Too much, but I couldn’t speak.
I just watched him leave.
* * *
I did the only thing I could do and called Kelly.
Actually, it was perhaps the very best idea I’d had.
My friend came within the hour, her bag packed, and a mountain load of goodies prepped to comfort me.
She probably thought this was going to be the standard girly talk, however, by the time I’d offloaded the whole story onto her, it stunned her to complete silence.
It was the first time in all our years of friendship that I’d been so open with her. Maybe that’s why it was so emotionally gripping. Neither of us had even touched the comfort food.
She just sat with me in the sitting room and listened as I poured my heart out.
Then we sat in silence watching the last traces of daylight recede into the sky.
“Is it wrong that throughout the whole story I blame Marissa for her part in it?” Kelly said. Her voice pierced through the stilled silence that had settled over the room. “I know she’s your sister, and I feel terrible for saying that because she’s dead and she can’t speak for herself, but damn.”
