“Madison!” Lenni scolds.
“No, spare me. I believe you.”
“I’m sorry,” Madison says. “I’m only saying Sam wasn’t as perfect as he pretended to be.”
“Okay, but it’s not like he was cheating. We were trying to work things out, but we weren’t fully back together.”
“Don’t defend him,” Lenni says. “He doesn’t deserve it.”
“I’m not. It’s just weird—being wrong about our relationship all over again.” I shake my head, pushing away the questions forming in my mind. “God, I can’t wait to graduate and get out of this place.”
That nightI think about my friends’ revelation about Sam. I dodged a bullet when things didn’t work out with him. Despite the general crappiness of my current life circumstances, I’m better without him and our unhealthy dynamic where he acted like I was miles out of his league. Still, it hurts to know that he’d already given up on me while I still held out hope for us.
I always thought I had the upper hand in our relationship, but really I was blind to what was happening in Sam’s mind. When we broke up, he told me I’d never really appreciated him, and in too many ways he was right. But I had no idea he felt that way. It was a slap in the face to realize I was wrong from the start about us.
After Lenni heads out with Cam for the night, I have the apartment to myself like I’ve looked forward to all day, but Sam’s what I keep thinking of. Well, not him so much as his company and life as his girlfriend; as anyone’s girlfriend. I always thought I loved alone time and that, at my core, I was fiercely independent, but sitting alone on the couch tonight reminds me how little time I’ve spent like this. I’ve been dating steadily since ninth grade, and I’ve never really longed to be single.
I pull a pink velour blanket over my legs and hug a pillow to my chest as my movie starts. I love falling asleep next tosomeone else’s warm body. I love debating what to watch on a night in and what bar to hit on a night out. I’ve never sat in a restaurant alone, and I either find or make friends in every class I’ve ever taken.
So maybe jetting off to a foreign country for a couple of years where I don’t know a soul will be more of a challenge than I’ve let myself believe. But it’s exactly the challenge I need—to take the focus off love and to grow as strong and independent as I used to think I was. And to be far away from reminders of my past mistakes. Maybe a relationship will find me, but I’ll never let it be my focus again. I’m not giving upanythingfor a relationship that’ll only fall apart when things get hard. I can’t be afraid of being lonely.
I think of Lenni, the way she’s not letting the prospect of being alone dictate her plans. She’s preparing for years of living across the country from the man she’s wildly in love with, hundreds of nights spent missing him. It’s not that different from what I’m about to do.
Of course, while Lenni is missing Cam, he’ll be missing her right back. No one’s going to fall asleep missing me.
THIRTEEN
reeve
I’ve been looking forwardto this game all season—a rare Thursday-night game under the lights of Shafer Field, fall in the air with its cool, smoke-tinged scent and my body in peak condition. I’m fucking amped, teeming with energy and strength and nerves, and I know this is going to be my best game of the season.
On our way to the stadium, Cam texts Lenni, and my mind drifts to Jade. Will she come to the game with Lenni? Probably not. She doesn’t give a damn about sports, but she and Lenni are super tight, so maybe she’d tag along. I wonder how much she’d watch me.
Clearly there’s a spark between us. Not that I think she actually likes me—I think her attraction to me is at war with her hate—but call it what you want, there’s a little something in the air between us. It’s so easy to get her fired up, I can’t resist it. And something tells me, despite the bitchy attitude, that Jade enjoys being fired up.
“Are we having people over tonight to celebrate?” I askCam.
“We could.”
“Lenni coming? Tell her to bring some girls.”
“Girls? Which girls? Girls like Jade, you mean?” He chuckles.
I hate myself for being so obvious. “I didn’t say that. Any girls I haven’t already fucked.”
Cam knows, though. “Lucky for all of us, Jade can’t stand you.”
“She told you that?”
“Yup.”
I shrug. “Whatever. All I requested was girls.” I don’t even want Jade showing up—Cam’s right, she hates me. Nothing could ever happen between us. I push the thought away and turn my mind to the game, where it belongs.
The muffledsound of the marching band permeates the locker room as we get dressed, kicking up the anticipation. I love that sound. Like Pavlov’s dog, I feel my adrenaline start pumping, knowing shit’s about to go down.
We usually only get one night game a year, one chance to run out onto the field under the bright stadium lights, and it feels incredible, like the whole place has tripled in size. The energy of the crowd soaks right into me as I take my position for the first play, and it only builds from there. I’ve got the offense clicking, and by halftime I’ve led the team to multiple scoring drives. It’s exactly the kind of game I knew it would be.
At least until it’s not.
