She’s right. Sitting around waiting for love to happen—for Jade to come to me and tell me what I want to hear—is exactlywhat I’ve been doing, and I’m miserable for it. But the feeling of wanting her back is matched only by the fear of needing her like I do. Of losing her and ending up broken forever.
“I don’t know, Minnie. Forgive me for saying this, but I always respected you for the way you handled Mr. Forrester passing away. You didn’t fall apart. I don’t want to need someone so much I just lie down and die if they up and leave.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit for what you went through. Honey, you’ve already survived the worst. Ain’t nothing going to destroy you.”
After she goes downstairs, I sit thinking about whether she’s right or just doing the mom thing. Until a few weeks ago, success always came easy to me on the field. As long as I put in the work, I got the gains and then some. And the truth about this ugly season is that it didn’t happen to me; I let it happen.I got lazy,I think bitterly. Lazy is the one thing I swore I’d never be as an athlete.
And that beautiful final win I’ve had? That didn’t happen to me either. I worked for it. I worked to get back what I lost.
Maybe it’s not too late to win her back too.
FORTY-SEVEN
reeve
The next morningI’m up before dawn for my flight to New York. The Heisman ceremony isn’t until tomorrow night, but as a finalist, I’m expected at some media events this evening, and as the sharpest-dressed player on the scene, I need time to lay out my suit so there’s not a wrinkle in it. I also need to chill out alone in my hotel room for a couple of hours before I’m ready to face whatever’s going to happen this weekend.
Cash, Lorenzo, Cam, and Lenni are all coming in on a later flight. Minnie came in on my flight, so we grab lunch together at the French restaurant inside her posh hotel.
“You’re certain you won’t let me get you a room here?” she asks between bites of her salade Niçoise. “I asked the concierge at check-in, and she assured me there are several left.”
“Thanks, but you know me: I’m a man of the people. I can’t be caught here like some uppity celebrity. Besides, that room was paid for, and I’m not trying to look like an ingrate.”
After lunch, she hugs me and gets a little teary telling me how this is the kind of moment mothers don’t have words for and that I’ll just have to trust that she’s beyond proud of me, no matter what happens tomorrow.
I’m not religious, but walking back to my hotel, I send a word of thanks up to the sky for landing me on Minnie Forrester’s doorstep. Then I take out my phone and pull up my mother’s number—the last one I had for her, anyway. My fingers are itching to text something to her, but what? Tell her I’m a Heisman finalist? She always says she follows my football career, so she should know already. Tell her she could have been here if she’d just bothered to ask? No. That would hurt her, and in spite of everything she’s done, I’ve never wanted to hurt my mother.
I slip my phone back inside my pocket. There’s nothing I want to say to her, and I’m not going to spend my weekend waiting to hear all the things I wish she’d say to me. There’s only one wish I need to come true in New York.
I swallow down my bitterness. I’m the luckiest dude in the world. I came from nothing, and here I am getting ready for the biggest ceremony in college sports with Minnie, Cam, and all my friends behind me.
My heart pangs thinking about Jade. It feels wrong that she’s not here too. If she were, I wouldn’t care about the Heisman. I wouldn’t need anything but her. And Monday, as soon as I’m back in town, I’m telling her so. The possible outcomes of that conversation make my guts churn even harder than thinking about the ceremony tomorrow.
Back in my room, I hang up my suit and steam the wrinkles out of it like Minnie showed me in high school; then I take a nap. Cam and Lenni are staying in my hotel, so I head downstairs when they get in to say hi and thank them for coming.
Since the breakup, Lenni’s worked hard to act like nothing has changed between us, and I’m grateful; we’ve had enough awkwardness. Cam offers to hang out and grab a beer, but I tell him to enjoy the hotel room with Lenni, and I take a walk around the city instead. It’s been a long time since I walkedaround a spot this busy without being recognized. It’s disappointing at first, and then not so bad; relaxing, actually.
The city streets glow with strings of golden Christmas lights, and every store window is like a miniature work of art with reds and greens, glittery fabrics, and silky ribbons and bows. It’s exactly the way I’ve been imagining it, except that for the last couple of months, I’d let myself imagine Jade here at my side. I wanted to take her shopping for something special, something she’d never buy for herself, and max out my only credit card, knowing in a matter of months, I’ll—hopefully—never be in debt again. Would she be here with me right now, wrapped in a puffy coat with her gloved hand in mine, if I’d gone to her the minute I knew I couldn’t let her go without a fight?
Ever since that conversation with Minnie, the words I want to say to Jade have lived on the tip of my tongue, desperate to get out. I told myself to wait until the Heisman ceremony was behind me so I could talk to Jade without distraction, but the truth is, I wasn’t just distracted. I was scared. As long as I haven’t told her how much I still want to be with her, I can hold on to hope she feels the same way. But here in the city without her, my regret at putting it off is crushing.
When I get back to my hotel, I run into Lenni in the lobby.
“Hey. Where are you off to?” I ask, taking in the backpack hoisted on her shoulder and her flushed cheeks.
“Oh. Um, just doing some shopping.” She pastes a perky smile onto her face.
“By yourself? You know where you’re going?”
“Yup,” she insists. “I’ll see you later for dinner.” She starts for the door, but I catch her.
“Hold on, Lenni. What are you being so weird about?”
“I’m not,” she says, her voice a full octave higher than usual.
“Does Cam know where you’re going?”
“Yes, nosy, now let me go. I want to be back on time.”
