“Because I was afraid! I didn’t have the balls, okay? I told you in every way I could without just saying it.”
“And I was with you everywhere you asked me to be. What do you want from me, Reeve?”
He exhales, all the chill in his eyes gone, replaced by unmasked hurt. “I want you to feel what I feel. I started rethinking everything when you came along. Everything I thought I wanted was thrown into question. That life didn’t look right anymore without you by my side.”
“I do feel what you feel.”
“Then why are you leaving me?”
The rawness in his voice could crush me. “Don’t do that,” I whisper, trying not to cry. “That’s not fair. You want me by your side, but you never even thought about being by mine. You want me to change my life while you keep on living the dream.”
“Is that what it takes? You don’t budge until a man throws away everything he’s worked for? That’s what you think love is?”
“You wanted me to throw away everything. To give up on my dreams and follow you around.”
“Your dreams? Spain isn’t your dream; that’s you running away.”
I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek. “I’m sorry.” I can’t meet his eye. “I’m only trying to follow the rules we made together.”
“There were no rules.”
“Then what are you angry at me for?”
“I’m not. I just can’t believe I’m standing here thinking about how I kissed you and how nothing ever looked the same again. Meanwhile you kept living your life like nothing had changed.” He glares out at the street. “Because nothing did change for you.”
“Wrong, Reeve. My life changed and I’d change it all over again for you. But don’t you remember what you said to me that night at the carnival? ‘Let’s never be like our parents.’” I swallow. “I’m not going to sacrifice what I’ve worked for?—”
He puts up a hand to stop me. “Either you feel it, Jade, or you don’t.”
“I do.” I feel everything for him. “But that doesn’t save us, does it? You still want something I can’t give you.”
“All I want is you.”
I stand no chance against those words. Tears blur my vision as thoughts battle against feelings inside me, what I know—I don’t want to end up like those other women—warring with what I feel: He already has all of me.
He searches my eyes before his gaze drops to the ground and he rubs a hand over his mouth. He was holding out hope for us, I realize, until this instant. I think my heart breaks at the same moment his does. “That’s how I know you don’t feel it,” he says, his voice hollow.
I watch him turn around and walk away from me, knowinghe’s wrong but wanting desperately for him to be right. If he’s right—if I don’t really love him—I can keep living my life. I can take care of myself. I can be safe, and I can make sure I never end up miserable and trapped and love starved like my own mother.
And if he’s wrong? Then I’ve just lost everything.
FORTY-TWO
reeve
“Dalton!”someone screams. “Dalton! Wake the FUCK UP!”
I turn around to find my offensive coordinator staring at me with his hands in the air and a wide-eyedWhat the fuck is wrong with you?look on his face. “Sorry, Coach.” I nod at him and turn back to the field, but not before I catch my teammates giving me uncertain looks. I’ve gotten used to it these last two weeks. It’s not just that I’ve never played worse in my life—just ask the two interceptions I threw on Saturday. It’s that I’m a zombie.
I’m not used to second-guessing myself, but it’s all I do anymore, question whether I handled everything with Jade wrong. I didn’t blame her for being hurt that night at the pizza place or for thinking I didn’t care about our relationship like she did. But I laid it all out for her—all I want is you—and that still wasn’t enough for her. She still went ahead and ripped my heart out, still took away everything that’s made my life good the last few months.
Maybe I should have said those three little terrifying words to her. But fuck it. What’s done is done. If Jade understood me, she’d have understood what I meant when I said all I want isher. I was never trying to own her or control her life. And if she can’t see the difference between her jetting off to Spain and me playing pro football, she doesn’t know me at all.
I glare at no one in particular; if I look angry enough, my teammates won’t look in my direction again.
I know someday I’m going to feel bad that I’m not what this team needs and has come to expect from their captain. But right now I can’t feel much of anything.
“Titty bar tonight,” Cash announces after practice.
