Me:The most adult of dinners.
Hen:At least you’re not eating it out of the pot.
Me:[guilty emoji] It was close.
Hen:But you did the thing, so you get credit! Go on and eat, I’ll stop bothering you.
Me:No, don’t go! I mean, unless you want to go. You probably need both hands for your lasagna. Nevermind, go on.
Hen:Lol I finished the lasagna while you were cooking. I even gave the cats a nibble each of the mystery meat from it.
Me:Great, now they’re probably gonna grow tentacles.
Hen:That would be badass. Tentacle cats! Wait, does that mean I’m gonna grow tentacles too, since I ate most of it? Not sure how I feel about that.
Me:Nah, mystery meat has different effects on humans. You’ll just start getting an urge to moo uncontrollably.
Hen:What?I want a refund!
Me:Mwahaha, too late. You’ll have to be content with your tentacle cats.
Hen:Lol imagine what mischief they’d get into with extra limbs. And aren’t tentacles prehensile? They’d be opening cabinets and packages all day long, helping themselves to things. Danger! Brb doing a cat limb count.
Hen:Still just four each. Though Solo’s tail is looking…suspiciously like it has a personality.
Me:Dun dun DUN. But I think that’s just the floof. The floof has a mind of its own.
Kellogg appeared on the table beside my bowl, startling me. Shouldn’t I have been able to hear her jump up? I needed to get these cats bells.
Me:Is there any reason I shouldn’t buy the cats collars with bells on them?
“No, Kellogg!” I dropped my phone and pushed her curious nose away from my food. “This is not cat food.”
Ignoring me, she continued to nose at the bowl until I picked her up bodily and deposited her on the floor. When Istraightened up in my chair and returned my attention to the table, it was to find Minnie with a paw extended, delicately extracting a piece of macaroni from my bowl.
“No, dammit.” I gave Minnie a gentle shove until she made a miffed little noise and stalked away to the other side of the table. “This ispeople food,” I informed the little varmints. “Cats don’t eat macaroni and cheese.”
Minnie gave me a look that clearly communicatedSays who?and tiptoed back across the table toward me. “No.” I wrapped a defensive arm around my bowl and began shoveling pasta into my face; clearly the only way to win this game was to empty the bowl so they couldn’t try to steal the contents.
My phone buzzed, and I gave Minnie another push away, getting her far enough to buy me some time to check my messages.
Hen:[link to Amazon listing for a belled cat collar]
Hen:You’ll thank yourself later, trust me. Sneaky little bastards.
I spooned up another bite of macaroni and stuffed it into my mouth with one hand, using the other to slowly thumb in a message to Hen.
Me:Sold. Will order when I’m done eating. Said sneaky little bastards are trying to steal my macaroni.
Hen:In my experience, cats love carbs. And cheese. I think you’re doomed.
Me:Fml. They’re lucky they’re so cute.
Kellogg levitated back onto the table, landing alongside her daughter, and now I was fending off two curious noses. I spooned up the last bite of pasta and gulped it down. “There,” I told the cats, “all gone. Now whatcha gonna do?” Kellogg darted in and licked the cheese sauce that clung to the bowl and I yelped. “That wasn’t a challenge!” I pushed her away, but now Minnie was doing it. “Damn it.” I jumped to my feet and went to rinse the bowl in the sink. “You’re a pair of menaces to my sanity.”
Kellogg hopped up on the counter, and I prepared to defend my wet bowl from her, but instead she just popped up high enough to rub her head under my chin. Meanwhile, Minnie twined around my ankles, scent-marking me as high up as she could reach, and then, apparently unsatisfied, hooked her claws into my jeans and started scaling my leg.
Dammit, why were they so cute? This was how they got what they wanted out of me, every damn time. Well, they were out of luck this time. I shook the water off the bowl and plopped it into the dishwasher with Minnie still hanging off my thigh, then cupped my dry hand around her little butt and urged her to climb the rest of the way up to my shoulder. “Menace,” I said affectionately as she nosed my ear. She purred.
