Charlie:Bullshit. Spill. Is this about the HIV test? Oh shit, did you get bad results? I swear, Jamie, if you came back positive you can tell me and I won’t get upset. Well I mean, I’ll get upset, but not at you. Like you told me, things happen and HIV is a manageable condition these days. You’ll be fine and I’ll help you find specialists.
Me:Breathe, Charlie. My test results were fine. Still negative. Same for Henry.
I winced inwardly at the mention of his name. He’d been so embarrassed by forgetting the condom that first night, but at least he hadn’t peer-pressured me into sex, unlikesomeof us.
Charlie:Then what’s the problem? And ‘nothing’ is not a valid answer.
I sighed. She wasn’t going to let this drop. It really was like she had a sixth sense for things to be anxious about, the way she could read me. I fumbled around my brain for something to tell her that would get her off my back without revealing too much.
Me:I had a…weird date.
Charlie:Weird how?
Me:Just weird. It got kind of uncomfortable at the end.
Charlie:Uncomfortable like I need to bust someone’s head open? Or uncomfortable like you forgot how to speak coherent English and made a fool of yourself?
Me:More like the second one, though not exactly. Look, I’d really rather not talk about it any more.
Charlie:Hah. Nice try. You’ve activated the worrywart, she won’t subside now until you talk it through with her.
Charlie:Wait, before you try to dodge me again, gotta ask: a DATE? I didn’t even know you were dating anyone!
Me:I’m not. I wasn’t. It wasn’texactlya date.
Charlie:What even the fuck does any of that mean? Try again.
Sometimes I hated my sister and her perceptiveness. This was one of those times. How was I going to get out of this conversation without revealing too much?
Me:We hung out. It was fun. Then it got kinda weird.
Charlie:Nope. Uh-uh. Nice try, but you’re gonna have to give me more than that or I swear to god, I’m going to start catastrophizing in the most dramatic way possible. It got weird…because he wasn’t actually interested in men, he just thought it was funny to tease you? Because a plane crashed into the house? Because the sex was awkward as hell and you forgot where your dick went?
Me:What the fuck, Char?
Me:I have never once forgotten where my dick goes, thank you very much.
Charlie:I notice you failed to deny the plane crash theory.
Me:There was no plane crash! And no surprise straight dudes, either, before you ask that, too!
Charlie:So then what was the weird part? If you don’t spill it, I’m going to start coming up with increasingly unhinged theories, and you know neither of us wants that.
Me:I am not having this conversation with you, Charlie.
Charlie:Ah, so it involved sex.
Me:What? No!
Me:I mean yes, but I’m nottellingyou about it. You’re my sister.
Charlie:Would it make you feel better if I remind you that growing up, you thought I was your brother, and I have a dick too?
Me:Ewww, Charlie. Ix-nay on the enis-pay. I don’t want to think about your dick.
Charlie:Then spill it before I start going into further detail.
Me:Ugh I hate you.
