I needed more friction. I lifted my hand back to his mouth. “Lick.”
He licked my palm obediently, then watched my face with slitted eyes as I lowered my now-wet hand to our cocks. We sucked in simultaneous breaths when I made contact and gave us a few slow strokes.
“Fuuuuck,” Jamison whined, and then nearly knocked me off him as he unexpectedly twisted sideways on the bed. At the last second, I managed to ride the wave despite my confusion at the movement. What was he…ohhhh. He’d managed to wedge open the nightstand drawer and withdraw first a bottle of lube andthen a condom from our somewhat aged stash. Guess he wanted to move on in our foreplay.
Before I could say anything, the bottle of lube smacked me in the chest. “Prep me,” he demanded, rolling the rest of the way over and again nearly dislodging me. Once he was ass-up, he settled again, resting his head on his crossed arms. “Well?” he said when I hadn’t moved after a few seconds.
I chuckled. “Just waiting to see if the bronco is done bucking before I give up my seat.” Jamison made a half-hearted neighing sound and I cracked up, nearly dropping the lube bottle on his head as I convulsed. “Oh my god, please never do that in bed again.”
“You prefer sheep, maybe?” he teased, and let out abaaa. “Goats?” A bleat that sounded like someone was being murdered.
I scooted my weight backwards to his thighs and gave his ass a playful smack. “Let’s leave the animal play for kinkier people, hmm?”
“You’re no fun.” In spite of his words, he raised his ass an inch and wiggled it at me. “Now, where were we?”
I cracked open the lube and poured a bit onto my fingers. “I believe we were about to get to the prostate-seeking portion of the event.”
He chuffed a laugh. “I’m pretty sure you’ve got a homing beacon on my prostate after all this time.” He wiggled his ass again. “So go on and prove it.”
Well, if that wasn’t an invitation, I didn’t know what was. I circled my wet fingertip around his furled hole gently, petting it for a few seconds until it relaxed slightly, and then let my finger slip inside of him. This wasn’t the first time I’d fingered him since my diagnosis, but somehow it still felt more profound than usual at this moment, knowing what would be coming soon. Istifled a satisfied sigh at the sensation of warmth enveloping my finger and began to thrust it gently.
Jamison, apparently less interested in stifling anything, let out the satisfied sigh that I’d suppressed. “Mmm, yes.” I could feel him relax his muscles around my finger, and I drew it out and then sent two in next. He was right that I knew exactly where his prostate was after sleeping together for nearly a year, and I went unerringly for it just to hear the squeak I knew would come out of him.
He didn’t disappoint, squeaking and jerking under me as I petted his happy spot with two fingers. “Not fairrrr.”
“Oh,” I said mock-solicitously, giving it another stroke, “did you want me to stop?” I stilled my hand and waited.
“Fuck you!” Jamison near-wailed, ramming his ass back onto my fingers to get me moving again.
I grinned to myself and resumed torture-prepping him, now adding a third finger to the mix. Jamison hissed in a quick breath at the initial intrusion, then relaxed again. I rewarded him with a firm stroke to his prostate, which made him groan. “I’m good,” he moaned after a few more seconds, “I swear. Now fuck me.”
I couldn’t resist one more teasing stroke, then I pulled my fingers out gently, wiped them on the edge of the sheet, and reached for the condom.
It was as I started to rip the condom packet open that I remembered exactly what I was about to do: I, an HIV-positive man, was about to fuck someone who has HIV-negative. No, not just “someone”; the person I loved most in the world. What if…what if the condom broke? What if his PREP didn’t work? My fingers started to shake and I fumbled the little packet, dropping it onto the small of Jamison’s back.
He froze for a second, then flipped around under me so we could see each other’s faces. Whatever he saw in mine musthave given me away, because he crunched up and rested a palm against my cheek soothingly. “Hey. You’re ok. We’re ok.”
“What if…?” I choked out, reaching for the condom determinedly but failing to get a grip on it with my shaking hand.
He offered me a reassuring smile. “We don’t have to do this, Hen.”
I immediately shook my head. No, I’d prepared for this. I’d therapized myself in preparation for this, bared my soul to my group to get me ready for this. “I want this,” I told him. “I’m just…nervous.”
He nodded, looking completely unsurprised by this mini-meltdown. “Let me.” He plucked the condom from my nerveless fingers and scooted backward and up on the bed, pulling out from under me until he could sit all the way up and reach my dick. He ripped open the condom and smiled at me. “You’re going to feel amazing inside me, love. Whether that’s today or not.” One of his hands fell to my flagging cock, giving it a reassuringly firm stroke, and I could feel myself hardening again. “Mmm, I like this view,” he purred, watching my dick avidly until it was at full mast and then rolling the condom onto it efficiently and without fanfare. Then he released his clenched ab muscles and allowed himself to flop backward onto the pillows. “Now, I believe I was promised a fucking.” He pulled the spare pillow over from the far side of the bed and tucked it under his hips, then pulled his knees out from under my thighs and raised them to put his feet flat on the bed. One hand dropped down to his own cock and began stroking lightly. “Mmm.”
Meanwhile, through all of this, I was sitting speechless over him as he took care of me, my nerves, and himself. Somewhere deep inside me, the waves of nerves and anxiety still whirled around, but they were rapidly being pushed down by pure lust. Nothing got me hotter than watching Jamison get off, and Iknew the most powerful way to get my lover off was with my cock inside him, pressing on that little button.
I could do this, and I was going to enjoy the hell out of it.
I inched backward a bit on the bed until I could settle between his spread legs, pressing one of his knees up to his chest to spread him open a bit wider. I had a sudden urge to eat him out, but we’d learned our lesson about the bad taste of lube a while back, so that would have to wait. Instead, I took hold of my cock and pressed the tip to his pucker, which quivered invitingly. He sucked in a breath as I began to push, and within a second, I was through the first ring of guard muscles.
We exhaled in unison and Jamison reached up to stroke my hair back. “Love you,” he murmured.
A tremor went through me, but this time it was from powerful affection rather than nerves. I gave another push and, as if we’d choreographed it, Jamison relaxed his muscles at the same time and I sank into him to the hilt. He drew in a sharp breath, immediately tightening up again reflexively.
I lowered my head to kiss him softly, stroking my tongue along his as we waited for his muscles to relax again. It only took a few seconds, and then his kiss got more urgent. “Fuck me,” he mumbled into my mouth, tangling a hand in my hair.
And I did. I pulled out and thrust back in hard, just the way I knew Jamison liked it, glorying in his gasp of pleasure. On the second stroke, he raised his hips to meet my thrust, and then everything became a blur of pleasure, movement, and feelings of belonging. It could have been seconds or it could have been an hour before I felt my orgasm begin at the base of my spine; time had ceased to have meaning somewhere around the moment I felt his muscles relax around me. All I knew was that I couldn’t come before he did. I plunged a hand between us and began to stroke him, tightening my hand gradually until his foreskin was riding all the way up and down with each movement of my hand.
