For whatever reason, I slipped my hand into his, intertwining our fingers. His heavy sigh was followed by a squeeze of his hand around mine. Together, we walked in silence across the road to a beautiful area where there were more trees than I would have expected. He knew exactly where he was going. There was no trail, no markers, but I sensed he’d been here several times.
That alone haunted me.
When he stopped, he lifted his head to the sky.
I peered down, studying the words on the gravestone.Caroline Elizabeth Elliot, beloved daughter.
A single gasp escaped my lips and I placed my hand over my mouth as tears formed in my eyes.
“Caroline was my sister. She was Carson’s twin. She was such a little brat, so much like you.” He laughed, the sound so sadly hollow. “She was beautiful and talented, an incredible artist. She loved life and was always laughing. Always. I just… I loved her dearly. She followed me around, playing tricks on me. Sheadored ice cream and books. My God, the girl was a voracious reader. She was just such a precious angel. So innocent. So… so innocent.”
He looked away and I squeezed his hand again. “What happened?”
Christian was obviously shaken, but with his clenched jaw, I could tell he was doing his best to be so strong. “She went to a party. She never liked parties, but Carson talked her into going because a guy she liked was there. Her friends were going too. I remember she was so excited, even purchasing a new dress. She was like a kid. I wasn’t living at the house of course by that point, but she sent me a picture just before she left for the evening. She was beautiful. So happy.”
I leaned in, surprised when he didn’t bristle. He seemed to soften when I wrapped my other hand around his arm.
“She went to the party. I honestly wanted to tell her not to, but she was over twenty-one and wanted to be treated as an adult. There was nothing I could do.”
I said nothing, allowing him to tell me the story.
The light breeze blew through my hair and the roses lying on her grave were fresh, their aroma floating between us.
“Something happened. There were drugs at the party. She wasn’t interested in drugs or alcohol. She said they dulled her sense of creativity with her paintings. But I received a call about two o’clock that morning. She’d… overdosed.”
Gasping, I felt the heavy ache from every phone call about Donovan, most coming in the middle of the night. “I’m so sorry. Did they ever find out what happened?”
“Speculation including that Carson’s friends had brought in drugs in candy. Fentanyl. She wouldn’t have had any idea. Her heart stopped. There was nothing I could do to save her. Nothing. I wasn’t there. Carson wasn’t paying any attention. He was off drugging up like usual. God, why did I allow her to go to the damn thing?”
I moved in front of him, cupping his jaw this time. “You said so yourself. She was an adult. And you’re blaming Carson. Aren’t you?”
He tried to pull away, but I refused to allow him. “I told him to watch after her. He knew she had no business being there.”
“He was twenty-one years old, Christian. A child himself. You’ve been holding her death against him all these years. Haven’t you?”
Hissing, he shifted his gaze.
“You have. Don’t you know what that has done to him? Do you honestly think he wanted your sister to die?”
“I… No.”
“My God. You’re both hurting. He’s blaming himself and you’re blaming him. Trust me. I know what it all feels like. That’s why you cared for my brother. That’s why you went out of your way to make certain he got the help he needs. Because you couldn’t help your sister. The residence you created, offering an incredible and safe space for families to live and regain their lives. You wanted to make certain people had a home, so they didn’t need to resort to drugs. You named a boat after her because she was so special. Don’t allow her death to ruin your relationship with your brother. You will regret it until the day you die.”
“I don’t have the capacity for forgiveness.”
“You’re right. You don’t. Not until you forgive yourself. You haven’t lived since she died. You are an amazing man, Christian. But this is eating you alive. You’re dead inside and that is not what Caroline would want. Not now. Not ever.”
I backed away from him, allowing him his space. His shoulders immediately slumped and he crouched down, placing his hand on top of her gravestone. I could tell he was talking to her. With her. I’d never felt so touched in my life. For him to show me something so painful and personal allowed me to see a part of him I hadn’t known existed.
Such agony.
Such sadness.
In that moment, I didn’t care our relationship was fake. I wanted to be in his life. The rest would figure itself out.
One day.
CHAPTER 26
