I don’t bother to answer. Instead, I collapse on the floor in the middle of my mess, feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, and small. Not quite little, but clearly not in my adult headspace.
Adrian walks in and scans the mess around me. Clothes, blocks, toys, and more clothes are thrown everywhere. When he sees me wiping frantically at my tears, he rushes to my side.
“Oh no, Fe. What happened?”
I shake my head frantically, not wanting to explain. Sometimes admitting what set me off is so embarrassing. Luckily, my big brother is always so patient with me. We sit there quietly while I compose myself.
“Tell me something about you first,” I say, my voice pleading. Adrian understands. This is a game we play to try to get each other to open up. Whoever is feeling vulnerable makes the other person talk first. It’s a subtle way to put us both on even ground.
He thinks for a moment, glancing up at the ceiling. “I’m nervous about training camp.”
Adrian had just been signed to the Olivia Cove Wyverns, his dream NHL team. He’s beyond talented, and since meeting his former NHL boyfriend—and Daddy—he’s discovered clever ways to improve his abilities.
I glance over at my brother, shocked. He’s sitting on the floor next to me, deep in thought. I can tell his confession meant more than either of us realized. I reach for his hand and give it a squeeze. “It isn’t for another few months, right?”
He nods. “Yeah. Not till September. We have the whole summer to get settled.”
“It’s just first-day nerves,” I say. “You’re talented, and the Wyverns are happy to have you. What if you see if Theo would be willing to introduce you to a few of his former teammates? It might help ease your nerves.”
Adrian smiles slowly, looking at me through the corner of his eye. He playfully pulls me into a hug. “That’s actually not a bad idea.” He chuckles. “Wait. Wasn’t I supposed to be making you feel better?”
I laugh nervously and shrug. “I guess so.”
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s stupid.” I glance away, peering out the window at the pool with its sparkling water. I had so many good memories with Adrian and Mom in our pool growing up. “I can’t find Krooger. Iwanted to take him with me to Dark Satin. You know, just in case I get nervous or lonely.”
“I’m sure he has to be around here somewhere.”
I shake my head. “I opened all the remaining moving boxes I had.”
He chuckles. “I can see that.”
I shove him playfully. “Shut up.” I sigh at the mess. “But seriously, Aid. What if I lost him? He was the last thing Mom gave me.”
He squeezes my hand, knowing exactly how much that tiny little cat meant to me. “We’ll find him. Till then, pick another stuffie to come with you.”
I hum. “I don’t know who to bring.”
Adrian offers me a beaming smile and holds up his index finger. “Hold that thought. I have an idea.” He jogs out the door, and I rush to the window in time to see him disappear into his house.
The mirror on the wall near the door taunts me. I walk over to it and sigh when I see my appearance. There are little red rings under my eyes from crying. I swipe the last few drops of tears away just as my brother returns.
“Here we go. I figured Icy could keep you company.” He holds out his dragon stuffie toward me.
I gasp. “Aid. You can’t let me take Icy. What if I lose him?” Not only did Theo give Icy to Adrian as a gift, but the dragon is also his college hockey team’s mascot. Adrian might not be a little like me, but he treasures the plushie.
“You won’t lose him,” Adrian replies, pure confidence in his tone. “Even while in your little side, you take great care of all your stuffies.”
“Yeah, apparently not.” I wave at the mess I made, feeling foolish.
“Hey, come here.” Adrian wraps me up in a comforting hug. I sink into my brother’s embrace. My ex never understood how much a simple platonic touch could soothe my soul. Anytime I tried to go to Jared for comfort, he’d either shrug me off or try to turn things sexual. I hated it. He could never read me right when I was little. I tried to explain it to him a few times when I was in my adult headspace. But he always got frustrated with me, which would only add to my anxiety. Jared claimed it was a lame excuse, and I was a huge tease.
Just thinking about my ex makes me so upset with myself.
“Are you sure you don’t want Theo and me to go inside with you?”
I shake my head. “I need to do this on my own. I’ll have friends there, and this way, I can stay as long as I want and really sink into my little side. I need this, Aid. If you both go, I might wonder if I’m taking too long.”
