“Yeah,” I said again. I thought it a dozen times a day. “I do.”
Get rid of the uncertainty that no longer serves me.
It was so much easier said than done, even when you metaphorically and literally tried to burn it.
Ryan nodded a few times. He was still looking around by the time I sat down on the bed and watched him look over my dried flowers and more of my tinctures, sniffing one and then the other, newfound understanding passing over his face for each one.
His gaze caught on me as he stood by the one window, looking at my assessment of him. He also took in the single bed set in the center of the room. Twisting back, he glanced at the foam-padded window seat.
“I can sleep over here.”
I shook my head, hands moving away another layer of pillows and tossing them to the floor. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
I crossed my legs over one another. I reached back and pulled the blankets back, so I could tuck my feet under. I watched as Ryan explored more pieces of me from the past three years, biding time. This room, however, really had started to hold more than I’d realized.
Ryan made me realize.
Then, carefully, as if afraid to frighten me—which made me smile—he sat down on the bed with me. Maybe it wasn’t only him who was unsure, as my heart pulsed in an uneven rhythm with each new movement.
“It is a nice bed.” Sighing, he stretched his leg.
Letting myself lean back farther against the headboard, I stared down at where his knee and calf flexed. “Still bothering you?”
“Not as much as before. Just nervous.”
“About what?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Just worried that my leg and everything else will never be the same again.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Says the girl who is nervous about taking a house and life she loves more than just about anything else,” said Ryan.
“Touché.”
Ryan smiled. This time, the grin was directed completely and wholly at me. It made me smile back. Soft and easy. His eyes widened along with his lips.
“I’m not sure I’ve seen that face enough.”
“Has that been your goal all along?”
He shrugged, a little embarrassed all of a sudden. “Part of it.”
Huh. I glanced down at my hands, taking a deep breath. “There are just a lot of unknowns. I want to do what I want, sure, but I know better than to think I can handle all this for that long.”
“Why?”
“Because …” I didn’t know. “Nothing is permanent.”
“Not unless you want it to be.”
I inhaled, leaning my head on my arm as I laid down to buy myself some time. Not that I needed it. Ryan slowly laid down next to me on top of the covers.
“No. Not always,” I murmured. “We were so prepared. I was so prepared when she got sick again, and still … it wrecked me. It wrecked my dad.”
“It was your mom, Lu.”
“So, it was supposed to cause so much of a mess?”
