I'd never wished for Ryan. I’d never wished for love—any piece of it.
I ran my teeth over my chapped bottom lip as I turned back toward the main campus.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he finally said to my back. “Okay?”
I turned back with a short nod. “See you, Ryan.”
* * *
After beingat Gertie’s for most of the week so far, I still didn’t miss the slight smell of mold and dust that permeated the west residence hallway. It stuck to me as I came in from the outside air, letting the heavy metal doors swing shut behind me as I made my way toward my door, unlocked.
Had I completely misread that whole situation from the time we left Gertie’s to standing outside the sports house? If anyone had seen us, I’d probably looked like the most foolish witch of Barnett. I was sure that would be the next rumor flying through the mill come tomorrow. Another pain.
That had to be it though. After so long alone, myself as my only companion most days, I had taken the simple act of someone spending time with me as it meaning that they liked me. Like, like me,like me. But how could I not? I could still feel his fingers against my lips as he fed me each tiny pomegranate seed. I could still see as I looked down at my own hands how the juice stained the pads with dark sweetness. Emotion clenched within me with startling clarity. But I guess that was only my feelings. Not Ryan’s.
Even if he had looked at me. He barely blinked. Soft and caring and like …
He’d wanted to kiss me, hadn’t he?
I screwed up everything kissing him. I didn’t even ask! Not that asking would’ve made me look like less of a fool.
I shook my head at myself as I pulled open my dresser drawer and changed into a large, comfortable shirt. I shouldn’t have taken him to Gertie’s.
That had been my mistake, though it also wasn’t. I hadn’t invited him.
Then again, I’d also insisted that I didn’t like Ryan.
Lie. Lie.Lie.
Climbing into bed, I doubted that the creak of the mattress would cover the sound of my anguished groan. It certainly didn’t negate the fact that my roommate across from me seemed to have smothered herself in a mountain of blankets, crying.
I could hear that well enough. The pitiful noises had paused once when I opened the door to come in. The steady drone of hushed sorrow now, however, continued its flood.
Shutting my eyes, I tried to ignore the sound. It could be like a white noise machine maybe, lulling me and my terribly overwrought internal debate to sleep.
The tiny cries continued, this time muffled into another blanket, and pitched an octave higher than before. I wasn’t sure if it was better or worse.
I sighed, turning onto my back to stare at the dark ceiling. I knew I was going to regret what I was about to do. Yet here I went anyway.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
The stifled sobs went silent. It was replaced by Natalie’s sharp voice, cutting through the darkness like knives. “I’m fine. Why would I want to talk about anything with you?”
Closing my eyes, I nearly rolled back over toward my side of the four beige walls we shared when she sniffed.
“My boyfriend broke up with me.”
“Oh.” I paused, unsure exactly what I should say. “That’s rough.”
“Yeah, like, what the hell?” Natalie’s hands slapped the bed on either side where she laid. “We’d been dating since high school.High school.It isn’t like we just went off to college and suddenly needed to find a way to make it work. We had been making it work for the past two years. Now, suddenly, it is different because he’s been thinking about screwing some other girl? It was like he wanted my permission.”
“Well,” I attempted, “that’s just rude.”
“It’s disgusting,” she insisted with venom. “I couldn’t get into the school he got into, but we made it work. I didn’t want to stifle him, and he didn’t want to come here to Barnett. It was too close to home, and I got that. But we managed. I spent money on flights to see him and everything else, and now, he just threw it all away. He didn’t think it’d crossed my mind that I couldn’t date when I saw all these other couples on campus? That all this wasn’t hard on me? I wasted three years on him. More probably.”
I wondered what she had done during the past weekend when I was gone. Had her boyfriend actually shown up at all, like she had told me he was going to, for this to happen, or had it been a quick split over the phone after getting her hopes up? Either way, I couldn’t help but empathize a bit, listening.
“I don’t know what to do now.” Her voice quivered with another round of tears.
