“Natalie doesn’t have to say a word to you.”
“I’m not talking to you.” I put up a hand as if that could block Lauren out. “Natalie.”
She lifted her head, her own eyes glassy from whatever had gone down here now that I was in front of her.
“I thought we were starting to be friends,” I whispered.
“Us?” she asked, genuinely confused and a little unsure.
“Yes.” When she didn’t answer, I shook my head. Why did I ever assume anything anymore? Suddenly, nothing was right at all. “But I guess that was just another disappointment for a little bitch witch who doesn’t deserve much in this life, huh?”
“Lu …” She trailed off.
“Let the RA or whoever it is, know they’ll have one less person to worry about soon. I’ll be living off campus.”
“Where else will you go?”
“To my real home. Where people actually give a shit about me and where I give a shit about me. What? Surprised that not everyone is a sad, narcissistic backstabber like you? Or just that I’m a person who has enough feelings to finally tell you how I and everyone else see you?”
“Lu, I—”
“No.” I stopped her. “You don’t have to say anything. Like your friend here said.”
Her mouth opened, eyes changing as if she was about to apologize. I didn’t want it though. I didn’t want anything else but what had been taken away from me. It didn’t matter—the party, the possibility of Natalie being a somewhat decent human being, kind enough to me, unlike so many others. I’d had just enough …
I had.
“You should probably leave if you are going to look at me like that,” I suggested. “I’m really not in the mood to witness another one of your pity parties. You get your bed all alone now. Lie in it.”
Smoothly, face unchanging from the sad shock, Natalie turned herself around from where she stood and strode back down the hallway. A few people behind us opened their doors, glancing toward the commotion we had caused.
But this was it, wasn’t it?
Lauren stood there in a state of shock, it seemed, by my cold yet truthful words. Then, I followed Natalie out the door and back down the stairs onto campus.
21
My stomach was in my throat, and it was choking me. My eyes watered. The muscles in my back pinched as I tried to hold myself up straight and make my way toward the Row, where I’d last seen Ryan, who was still likely oblivious to what had happened. The roads felt quieter than they had a short time ago, and the only beacon other than the parties I began to stumble on was behind me at the center of campus, where Vadika must’ve sprinted to make her presentation on time without coming back to check on me.
I took a deep breath. Then, I took another until they came back out less shaky, exhaled on shards of glass.
Entering the house, I scanned the living room. Everyone looked like blobs, sounds carrying and blending together as I searched for one thing. One person.
“You okay?” someone asked me.
“Do you know where Ryan is?”
“Gardner? He’s upstairs, I think.”
I nodded, unable to thank him as I made my way up the steps. I didn’t even care if there were potato-shaped mice in the walls or whatever was going on in the other rooms, where the doors were closed. I was crumbling.
It pained me to admit how much I needed Ryan. I needed his optimism. His ceaseless smile that made me think it was all going to be okay, if not completely all right. I needed his arms wrapped around me so that I wouldn’t completely fall apart as I made it to the open doorway at the end of the hall.
A girl kicked her legs up on the worn chair in the corner. She sat directly on a guy’s legs. For a moment, I wouldn’t have maybe recognized him. I would’ve thought he was just another one of those guys on the football team who had huge enough egos to think that no one else was better than them.
But I saw him. I saw a girl sitting on Ryan’s lap, smiling up at him. His own grin was bursting with slightly tipsy sunshine. He laughed like he did when someone made a good joke.
And I froze.
