‘Ha. Funny. How are you? Seriously, though, Francis turning up out of nowhere .?.?. That was some weird piece of shit today.’
‘Oh stop. Rosie, what sort of an idiot am I? He’s turned into a catch.’
‘No, he hasn’t. He’s exactly the same wimp he always was, just in a bigger coat. It’s the girlfriend effect. Once a guy gets into a relationship with someone, he automatically becomes more attractive. It’s like advertising.’
She had a point, but Ally was still miserable and wasn’t going to be talked out of it that easily.
‘The point is, he did his training on me. I’m just the practice woman who taught him where the clitoris was. Not that he made that much use of the information. But Rosie, what if I had him but I was too stupid and blind to see how good he was? What if this is my comeuppance? And now he’s got with hisrealwoman and she’s ten years younger than me. Just like when I metFrancis, he was only a five and now he’s a seven and a half. Don’t try to deny it, it’s true.’
‘He’s definitely no more than a seven. I’m not listening to this, Ally. This is delusional, hormone-fuelled maudlin shite. You know it, I know it. Francis is pleasant enough, he’s still got .?.?. a fair amount of his hair, but you know what I’m saying.’
Ally nodded miserably and took a slurp of her spritz.
‘But Rosemarie, what happens if I suddenly realise I’ve got to an age where I’ve tipped over from being the chooser into the “lucky to get whatever you can”? What, then?’
‘You’re panicking. Right .?.?. if you could go back to this time last year and make a different decision, would you?’
Ally shook her head. ‘That’s it. I wasn’t happy. I knew there was something wrong.’
‘There you are. Look, he’s a sitting duck, she’s doing all the running, and that suits him. Sure, he’s getting the ride and all he has to do is show up for her Instagram feed. What man wouldn’t like that?’
It did strike Ally that Rosemarie might be oversimplifying things, but still, she was feeling grateful for the support.
‘By the way, Pete the Pal .?.?. Where did you find him? Prancing around in €800 Tom Ford jeans?’
‘Wow .?.?. what— how do you know that?’
‘I googled them, didn’t I?’
This was another level, even for Rosemarie.
‘You didn’t secretly photograph his arse?’
‘Well, I couldn’t exactly ask him to stand still so I could examine it, could I?’
‘Rosemarie, that’s illegal – that’s against GDPR or something.’
‘No, that’s just your face. There’s no legislation that covers your arse. And as for that scruffy old T-shirt? Prada.’
‘I will never let you sit alone in my café again. Anyway, what’she doing putting up shelves in designer clothes?’
‘Because he doesn’t normally put up his own shelves, does he? He’s Peter Fitzmaurice, the developer. Built a load of housing estates around the place .?.?. You’ve probably driven past them. Well, I googled him and guess what? He went bust a few months ago, something about a dispute with his business partner. Sorry, that’s as long as I could concentrate before my ADHD kicked in. There’s a court case going on but apparently right now all his assets are frozen.’
‘Oh my God, that explains everything. Rosemarie, I have something to confess, and I know it was a totally co-dependent eejity thing to do, but I offered to let him stay on my sofa. Except, he declined.’
‘Damn! That’s a shame.’
‘I thought you were going to kill me. I know I can be a terrible judge of character and super-gullible, but I genuinely believe he’s a good person.’
‘He likes you, girl.’
‘Really? No, he does not.’
‘He does so, I’m telling you. I’m jealous.’ She grinned. ‘He’s in a relationship, by the way.’
‘Not very successfully, by the looks of things. He’s living in a van behind the café, with his dog.’
‘OK, so you’re not exactly catching each other at the peak of your careers, that’s for sure, but maybe that’s not the worst thing that could happen. Keeps it real.’
