‘Come on into the sitting room, darlings, you’ll never guess who’s here .?.?.’
Standing in the middle of the room, wearing the Ho-Ho-Ho jumper she’d given him last year, stood .?.?.
‘Francis, you’re here. Wow! Happy Christmas .?.?.’ shrilled Ally, accidentally an octave higher than she’d intended. Shite, when she’d suggested he should visit her dad, she hadn’t actually meant .?.?. Oh shag it, it wasn’t that surprising. There was an awkward moment of silence, during which she could see, out of the corner of her eye, Pete trying not to grin.
‘Here, darlings.’ Mum burst back into the room, presenting them with gin and tonics so strong that they were practically evaporating out of the glass.
‘You’ve heard Francis’s sad news, I suppose,’ she confided at top volume to the entire neighbourhood. ‘His engagement’s off. Apparently, she felt she was too young. I don’t know .?.?. twenty-four – not in my day, it wasn’t. Never mind, Francis, it’s her loss.’
Mum was doing her usual, compensating for social nerves by speaking for everyone in the room.
Just then Dad appeared, his arms outstretched, like Bing Crosby hosting a primetime Christmas special.
‘Welcome, one and all!Mr Fitzmaurice,’ he said jocularly, ‘we’ve met before. I believe thatcertain mattersin your camp have recently been resolved .?.?.’
‘They have, Mr—’
‘Ray, just call me Ray .?.?. Delighted to hear it!’
Just then Damo blundered in, dressed in his jogging outfit and antlers.
‘Wow, Damo, if I was in need of a heart bypass right this minute, I’d be feeling really confident .?.?. not!’
‘Thanks, sis. By the way, whose is the big fuck-off Jag outside?’
‘That’s Pete’s.’
‘Sweet. Damo, brother.’ He stuck out his hand to Pete.
‘Jesus .?.?. I’ve been calling himPaul,’ wailed Mum, addressing a nearby pot plant.
‘Er, I’d better go,’ said Francis awkwardly. ‘We’ll meet for some indoor putting in January, Ray. Pete, you’re a lucky guy.’
Mum’s eyes welled up with tears. Oh God, Mum, not now .?.?.
‘Sorry,’ she sniffled. ‘I just can’t quite let go of that dream .?.?. of you and Francis. Nothing personal, Paul, I’m sure you’re very nice.’
‘Sorry about that,’ Ally hissed to Pete, who just squeezed her hand and whispered, ‘It’s OK, he’s right.’
A moment later, Maeve and Rob turned up with little Luna, looking overheated and stressed.
‘Santa bought a totally surprise present for Luna. Fabulous. Guess what? A robotic spider .?.?. They’re called Yellies, as if that wouldn’t give you a hint .?.?. To make it move you have to scream at it .?.?. which we’ve had all morning.’
‘Sure, why not,’ interjected Rob affably. ‘It’s the last year she’s going to be an only child, so I say, let her at it.’
‘That’s because you’re hardly ever here,’ Maeve hissed.
Just then Luna shrieked like a factory siren, and the spider began inching across the floor.
‘Guys, we’ve got to go, it’s an hour and a half to Monaghan,’ Ally announced and grabbed Pete by the hand, edging him towards the door.
Once outside, they piled into the car.
‘Pete, I’m so sorry, you got my entire family drama played out in less than an hour.’
‘Ally, I loved them. They’re your family.’
‘Even though Francis was hovering around like the Ghost of Christmas Past?’
