‘So, are you going to tell me what happened?’
‘I tried, I really tried.’
Finn had the sense not to press her on whatever the hell was going on. Eventually, after they’d walked about a half a mile across the beach, she explained about the conversation with Maxine.
‘Mam has insisted I make the arrangements, but that means she gets a chance to express to me what a useless piece of shit she thinks I am. And it really upsets me. And, OK, we were neverreallyclose, but we used to get on fine.’ She could hear her voice tightening.
‘That’s lousy,’ he said, slipping his arm around her shoulders.
She nuzzled into his shoulder. ‘Thank you.’
‘What happened between you? You don’t have to tell me if .?.?.’
She stopped dead in her tracks. ‘I might as well. I haven’t told anyone this, not even Gav, I was too freaked out and, honestly, too ashamed.’
‘I’m not forcing you.’
‘No, It’s OK .?.?. It was the first summer after my graduation from drama school, and everything was going great: I’d got my first professional job, I was feeling like the person I always wanted to be. Bea had got me an audition for a new sitcom scheduled for the following week. It was all amazing. It was the day before I went back to London and Maxine had reluctantly agreed to allow me to take Miri, her two-year-old daughter, to do the supermarket shopping while she was at the hairdresser’s. This’ll be fine, I thought, just pop her in the trolley and push her around like other women I’d seen .?.?. Why are you laughing?’
‘Nothing is simple with a two-year-old.’
‘Oh, shut up. Anyhow, she was grabbing everything, driving me crazy, so I unstrapped her from the seat and popped her inside the trolley to distract her. Then I remember stopping at the bakery counter and my phone rang, and it was Bea changing my audition time .?.?. She said they must be really keen, and I’d have to be back early for it. I just got totally distracted. I know there’s no excuse. And the next moment, I looked round and the trolley was empty. I’ll never forget it. I just ran and started calling and calling her name. And it was around the time of some of those awful child abductions. Then Maxine turned up and started shouting at me in front of everyone, calling me selfish and irresponsible and unfit to mind a child. The next thing .?.?. I’ll never forget it, this woman just appeared, carrying Miri. I remember she was holding a handful of crayons she’d picked up. I burst into tears. But Maxine just snatched her up without a word and walked off. She never apologised and I was afraid to say anything to her. I went back to London the next day and we never really made up. Sounds ridiculous but that’s it.
‘I didn’t go for that sitcom audition, or any of the other big jobs Bea had me lined up for. I suppose I didn’t I feel I deserved them. I just sort of sank and, looking back, I’m sure it affected my relationship with Gav. How could it not? I was still raging with myself that I lost concentration, lost myself in that stupid, vain world. I still hate myself, it’s that simple. And so, I deserve to be hated.’
‘Maybe that’s what she’s picking up,’ Finn remarked levelly. They walked in silence for a while, before he went on. ‘You do know that what you’re describing is something I’ve feared myself: you turn your back for a second and they disappear. Sure, it’s every parent’s nightmare.’
‘Thank you, Finn. That makes me feel a bit less of a pariah.’
‘Come here.’ He stopped and hugged her close to him, rubbing her back as though she were a distressed child. ‘Let it go. Miri’s fine. It’s all fine. You just need to forgive yourself.’
The tears were running down her cheeks, and she angrily wiped them away.
‘That’s what I tried to tell Maxine, but she still despises me.’
‘That’s probably an exaggeration. Someone’s got to start the forgiving, so maybe start with yourself.’
‘I’m sorry, I’ve just got snot on your shoulder.’
‘It’s OK, I’m pretty used to it.’
‘You’re a freaking genius, d’you know that? My friend Norah’s right. If you want a problem solved, go ask an engineer.’
He smiled shyly. ‘Come on, let’s go home. I’ve been thinking about you all week.’
‘Me too. It’s been a long week.’
‘Too long,’ he whispered, taking her face between his hands and kissing her slowly.
At some point night had fallen and the sky ranged from pale orange right up to inky darkness. The tide had turned, shifting the vast flat beach into sea once more. They picked their way back across the ridged sand, hand in hand, as Cassie felt her panic melt into the wide-open sky.
* * *
After arriving back at her apartment the following day, she slumped down on the bed and listened to her phone messages. There was only one and it was from Maxine. She pressed redial.
‘Hi.’ Maxine’s tone sounded impatient.
‘Look, can we please have a conversation?’
