‘I know. But you didn’t. You’re here now and you’re safe.’
‘And then it hit me: who was even going to care? My mom never wanted me .?.?.’
‘I’m sure that’s not really true.’
‘Oh, you’d better believe it. You can’t imagine it, because things aren’t like that for you. She was seventeen when I was born. So, poor Grandma got stuck with me. She was delighted.Not.’
‘Your grandma wasn’t maternal?’
‘Are you kidding? Being stuck with me really cramped her socialite lifestyle. I don’t blame her, she never asked for it.’
Cassie didn’t know what to say, so she just sat, holding Ramona’s hand.
‘And I wonder why I’m such an exhibitionist, and so .?.?. fucking stupid sometimes. I get it. I keep trying to matter.’
‘We’re all trying to matter.’
‘I’ve been posting about what happened, and people were commenting and sending love, blah-blah, but .?.?.’
‘They mean well, they just don’t know the real you, do they?’
Ramona shrugged. ‘If I stopped posting tomorrow, they’d just scroll on down to the next face. I’m just a .?.?. thing .?.?. I’m content. I’m not real.’
‘That’s not true. You’re really important to those people, a lot more than you’re giving yourself credit for. And you’re real to me. You’re real to Mam. By the way, she’s coming to see you and bringing a bedjacket to keep your shoulders warm, she says.’
Ramona gave a throaty laugh. ‘You’re kidding me, that’s so cute. Does it have feathers round the neck and cuffs like Doris Day inPillow Talk, with Rock Hudson? “What a marvellous-looking man.” That’s one of my grandma’s all-time favourites.’
‘I think it might be pink crochet.’
‘I could make it work.’
They both laughed, feeling a bit better.
‘Is this the moment for gin and tonic? I bought two of those little tins.’
Cassie took two glasses out of the cabinet and filled them with ice.
‘God, these things are so fucking weak,’ commented Ramona, unimpressed. ‘What am I going to do, Cass? I’ve wrenched my stupid shoulder and I can’t dance like this. Everything I do depends on my body. Without my act, who am I?’
‘You’re plenty – you’re you.’
Ramona was silent. ‘Cassie, I’m afraid that just being myself isn’t good enough. And I can’t do anything else.’
Cassie felt at a loss – what was she supposed to say?
‘You can be anything. OK, maybe not in this precise moment, but don’t make my mistake. I’m only realising now that my value isn’t just from one thing, or what other people think of me. And you’re right: at the end of the day, nobody really does give a damn apart from the people who love you.’
‘I’ve always been kinda short on those.’
‘Well, not anymore. And if you can make your living as a pole dancer, I’d say there’s not much you can’t do.’
‘I’m not going to overanalyse that, but thank you.’
‘It’ll be all right. I promise.’
‘Here’s to being a nobody.’ Ramona drained the last of her gin and tonic.
‘Now you’re talking.’
