‘Don’t say that. All of today I’ve been thinking that you won’t want to stay with me, that I’m dragging too much baggage with me and .?.?. that’s part of why I didn’t tell you about Marisha before. It was cowardly and I’m not proud of it.’
‘It’s OK. In a weird way I’m glad I know her. Now it all makes sense. I don’t think I’d have believed it otherwise. She’s .?.?. tough.’
‘Thank you. That’s the first time I’ve been able to talk to anyone about it.’
It became blindingly clear that the reason she found Finn so hard to fathom was that he was exactly that. For everybody. And that included himself.
‘Can you imagine what it’d have been like if we’d met back at the beginning, when we were in our twenties? What would you have thought of me?’
He laughed ruefully. ‘I didn’t know too many aspiring actresses back then. You wanted a very exciting life, full of spontaneity and excitement, I suppose. I wouldn’t have stood a chance.’
Cassie considered this. ‘I’d have thought, this guy wants a super-normal life. He’d never consider a flaky proposition like me.’
‘So .?.?. the moral is, be careful what you wish for.’
‘Well, I chose someone just as flaky as myself and look how that turned out.’
Enough time had passed for Cassie to accept that much of what happened with Gav had been of her own doing. She’d been afraid to commit in case she was wrong, afraid to settle in case she regretted it, afraid to grow up in case she grew old. Well, turns out time isn’t selective, it’s quite happy to pass, whether you’re acknowledging it or not.
‘Hey, let’s go on safari. I’d love to sit in a jeep in the heat and watch lions and elephants .?.?.’
Finn brightened. ‘Let’s save up all our money and go into space for twenty minutes.’
Cassie laughed.
‘That’s the most bonkers, tech-bro idea I’ve ever heard. But you would have that view of Earth forever in your mind’s eye.’
‘I’ll look into it.’ Finn reached out and stroked her hair. ‘Thank you.’
‘What for?’
‘For not mocking me.’
‘Of course not, why would I?’
‘I grew up in a house of very loud, very busy people. There was no time for dreamers. Nobody did anything different. So, once I wasn’t causing any trouble, they just let me get on with it.’
‘That’s sad.’
‘They were so busy with the business, they didn’t have time to pay me that much attention, so I grew up not really paying myself much attention either. I just felt kind of .?.?. invisible.’
‘According to C.S. Lewis, “Children are not a distraction from the more important work. They are the more important work,”’ said Cassie.
‘My kids loved you.’
‘Really? I was only with them for a few hours.’
‘I heard all about it. Especially from Conor, and he rarely says anything.’
Cassie flinched. ‘I’d say Marisha loved that. OK, I’m going to stick my neck out and say she seems to be a very committed mother, but hard on them.’
Finn nodded. ‘Everyone else seems to think she’s perfect. I fell in love with her because I thought she was the first person who really saw me. She has that way about her. It was only later I realised she never did anything else. I felt under surveillance, judged 24/7. I worry now for them.’
‘Sssh .?.?.’ She put her finger to his lips. He leaned in and kissed her, as a full moon hung like a pale opal above the Dublin skyline.
Chapter 22
Driving into school that morning, Cassie wondered about levelling with Marisha. There was PE first, so that would give her a bit of time to nurse the white-wine hangover that was starting to settle just above her eyes, despite the glass of Dioralyte she’d downed before dashing out the door.
