‘But that’s total crap. All I am is a woman who’s having a last gasp at pregnancy and yes, I am happy, but I’m also terrified it’s going to destroy whatever career I’ve built, and I’ll never be able to get it back. I’ll be nothing. I’ll vanish. I’ll just be one of those invisible women.’
‘That’s ridiculous. You could never be that.’
‘And you think I’m the person who always has the answers, and I’m not and I don’t.’
Josie had made the decision to move into arts administration about five years into her acting career. Now the manager of a small theatre in North London, she’d always claimed it was the best decision she’d ever made.
‘But Jos, you’ll just go on maternity leave and then come back, what’s wrong with that?’
‘That’s not how things work, you know that. Once you’re out of sight, somebody younger and hipper moves in and there’s no space to go back to. I’ve already had to accept disappointment once before, when I left acting, and that was OK, I made my peace with that, but I don’t think I can face it again.’
She pulled a tissue from her sleeve and cried noisily. Cassie was at a loss.
‘And now I hear you’ve found this swanky apartment with an exciting cool person and a new boyfriend. Friendships don’t survive long distance. I’ll just become an old friend, someone who’s not important anymore. Who you have to feel guilty about not keeping in touch with.’
Cassie couldn’t believe her ears, but Josie had always been there for her with unrelenting good sense, so she was one hundred per cent entitled to a meltdown. Hormonally driven or not.
‘What a load of utter crap!’
‘It’s not!’
‘It is. You’re just blurting out all your worst, most hideous fears, and as your best mate, I’m the perfect person to do it with.’
‘But it’s all true,’ she wailed.
‘I’ll tell you what’s true. You are building a person. And the reason you don’t feel like yourself anymore is because you’re not yourself. You’re two people.’
Josie sniffed and nodded mutely.
Cassie ploughed on. ‘But that’s going to change. And change and change again. And I’ll be the one afraid of being left out because you’ll have all your chummy-mummies and I’ll just be your barren mate. But I’ll still be here.’
She felt herself growing teary. Josie had dried her eyes, but this caused her to dissolve into sobs again.
‘I could never forget about you,’ Cassie said decidedly.
‘Me neither, so are we good?’
Cassie gave a snort-laugh and nodded.
‘So now, tell me about this guy with the fifty kids and the psycho ex. He sounds perfect for you.’
They both burst out laughing.
‘You know what I think?’ Josie went on. ‘I think, screw him. I’m sure he’s nice but right now what you need is a job.’
‘That’s just because right now you’re obsessed with jobs.’
‘You know you’ve been here before, Cassie, making a guy the centre of your life instead of yourself.’
An image of Gav flashed into her mind, causing her stomach to lurch. She winced at the thought of how she’d compromised her life to be with him for fifteen years. How had she let it go on for so long? Perhaps she didn’t know how to live life without him? Or maybe she thought he was as good as she could do? She believed other people’s estimation of him rather than trusting her own experience, until finally she was left high and dry. All of those reasons, probably, and now here she was again, trying to carve out a little bit of another man’s life. Josie was right, she needed a job.
‘I’ll phone a career consultant tomorrow, I promise.’
‘And I’m not leaving our Zooms more than a week again. I can’t trust you not to go off the rails.’
Cassie spluttered her tea, laughing at the irony.
‘Bloody cheek.’
