Perched on the edge of the sofa, sipping her coffee and leafing through her scenes, she realised the lines felt familiar .?.?. really familiar, she actually knew them. She resolved to buy Ramona a fabulous gift on the way home for that golden tip. She replayed in her head what Philip had said,keep it simple, when Judy appeared at the door.
‘Would you like to come in now, Cassie?’
Her heart jolted but she deliberately took a breath and released it slowly as she followed behind the PA.
The audition room turned out to be an office with a grey space set up for filming. She picked up from their energy that they were in a hurry but allowed herself to let it go. That wasn’t her concern; meanwhile, the director, Alan, explained to her that they couldn’t use any of the sets because they were constantly being used for filming. It was a machine that never stopped needing to be fed, he said with a rueful laugh.
Polly, the casting director, explained that they were going to film four scenes with her.
They really didn’t seem overly concerned about what acting jobs she’d been doing lately; thankfully, they seemed overwhelmingly focused on what she could do right now. Alan smiled a businesslike smile and asked if she was ready to begin her audition. This was exactly the moment where, in the past, she’d always come unstuck. She’d be fine up to that point, but then, unbidden, nerves would attack from nowhere, she’d freeze and find herself overcome with self-consciousness. She’d have begun judging herself, running a self-critical inner monologue while trying to mind-read what the casting people were thinking about her. None of which resulted in a positive outcome. Ever.
This time she felt none of that. Something had changed. Between then and now, that fear seemed to have washed away. She felt free, calm and focused. All the stress of the journey melted away and she simply stepped into the character. She sensed her feelings intuitively, responding naturally and truthfully to her cues. After she finished, there was a long pause.
‘That was great. Thank you,’ said Alan with a look of relief.
She realised they needed her to be good, just as much as she did.
‘Thanks, Cassie, we’ll be in touch,’ said Polly warmly.
They all looked pleased, and even though the glances between them were unreadable, she didn’t focus on that. Again, that was their business, not hers. She shook hands with them and walked out the door into the blinding sunshine.
* * *
Cassie felt lighter than air as she towed her little case along the path, out past the historic studios, feeling free to fully notice them for the first time. She walked the fifteen minutes to Elstree and Borehamwood station in the glorious morning. It was only ten thirty and already she’d accomplished the impossible. She bought her ticket and found a bench beside a few older people waiting for the train to St Pancras, taking their time. She’d done her best, her absolute best. She hadn’t dried on her lines at any stage, which was a miracle in itself. She wasn’t kicking herself for going over the top or for holding back. Her phone buzzed.
‘Darling, how did it go?’
‘Great. It went great, actually, Sunita.’
‘Oh, well done .?.?. that was the one to get right, wasn’t it? Well, let’s wait and see.’
She could hear the genuine excitement in Sunita’s voice. ‘Let’s hope our Bea’s up there keeping an eye out for you. Bye, darling.’
What about Finn? she wondered, she felt the urge to text him .?.?. but he hadn’t texted to see how her audition went or to wish her luck. Of course, she remembered, he didn’t even know about it. So much had happened in the last few days. She’d been so busy, it hadn’t fully registered. That such a huge thing had happened in her life without him knowing seemed to open up a yawning gap between them. There was Time Before the break-up and Time After.
Settled on an inside seat, she leaned against the window and sank into a daze. The surge of adrenalin that’d carried her this far was starting to drain away, and for the first time since she’d arrived in London, she began to feel her own exhaustion. It was early, but already the day felt endless. She was moving into that speedy, jet-lagged state where she couldn’t trust her own judgement. The best thing she could possibly do was nothing.
Wait until she got to Josie’s, where she could reality-check everything, and in the meantime avoid any sudden moves that would screw up her life.
Chapter 34
At last, feeling she could barely walk another step, she trailed up to Pal and Josie’s door and rang the bell. She heard the clumping of somebody coming down the wooden stairs quite slowly.
Josie opened the door, looking the same, but different. It was one thing seeing her friend in two dimensions, but Cassie found the physicality of Josie heavily pregnant quite overwhelming.
‘You’re here!’
‘I’m here.’
‘Oh my God, look at me, I’m the size of a house.’
‘You look amazing.’
The two hugged as best they could. Josie’s face was fuller than usual but her eyes sparkled and her smile was as warm as ever.
Seated at the kitchen table, tucking into a slice of carrot cake and a mug of java, Cassie gazed around her friend’s so-familiar apartment which, not unlike Josie herself, looked the same, but different. The little painted yellow chest of drawers was wedged in the hallway, waiting to be filled with tiny vests and socks and Babygros, while through a doorway, she could see the second bedroom painted a dove grey and with stencilled little white clouds. This was now a family home. Six months ago, she reflected, that would’ve made her sad, but no longer was she feeling like life was passing her by; instead, she was feeling, well, that she was up to her neck in it, whatever happened. There was only so much you could control, and that was a fact.
‘We got an email last week. Gav’s wedding’s back on. You won’t believe this, but he blamed the whole thing on an “administrative error”!’
