“Technically, my family is. Not me.” I shrugged. “I don’t get any of it unless I agree to take over the company, and I don’t want it. It was fashion shows, front pages of magazines, and full of fake relationships and anxiety.”
Marissa leaned back on her elbows and stared at the ceiling. “Huh…weird.”
“So why are you telling us now?” Rose crossed her arms.
I sighed. “I had a lot of friends who were only with me because of my last name. I was worried once you knew who I really was, I would lose you too.”
Rose rolled her eyes. “That’s stupid.”
They handled the first deep dive into my past, but how would they do with the worst part?
“Well, that’s why I didn’t tell at first. But there’s more.” The tears gathered at the corners of my eyes, and I cleared my throat. Rose knew my name. But I bet she didn’t know what I did. “I’m not who you think I am.”
“We’ve already been over that.” Rose waved her hand.
“No, like…besides that. I’m not a nice person,” I whispered, afraid that if I said it too loud, my past would rise up and claim me.
“What are you talking about?” Rose scoffed. “You are literally the nicest person I know.”
I crumpled in on myself, unable to close the door to my past. “My senior year of high school…” My lips quivered. “I changed.” I cleared my throat. “I tried to be who my mom wanted. I was the mean girl, the popular girl, who shattered people’s self-esteem and confidence in my wake. I knew what people were insecure about, and I used it.” I bit back my sob and cleared my throat. “I hurt them on purpose.” I pursed my lips into a tight line. “My rapidly growing friend group loved it. My mother loved that I was finally embracing my popularity and stepping into ‘my own.’”
Marissa reached over and picked up my hand, squeezing it tight.
I stared down at it. Instead of seeing our hands together, I remembered walking by the partially opened door to the home office. I heard my name and leaned closer to the door and peeked inside. My mother was in one corner and the family lawyer in the other. “There was a girl in the hospital for self-harm because of me. I can still remember the smell of the flowers on the side table. I caught my reflection in the hallway mirror, and I staredat myself, and I saw myself for the first time for the monster I was, maybe I am?” I shrugged.
“I don’t understand.” Rose stood stiff.
I took a shuddering breath. “Because of things I said, and things I did, a girl no longer wanted to live.” My heart broke again as I remembered. “The crazy thing is”—I shook my head—“I wouldn’t have even known.” I shook my head. “I overheard the lawyers talking to Mom about how the family would be taking the whole thing to the press if we didn’t cover the girl’s medical bills.” I balked, disgusted in myself. “Mom waved her hand as if it was of no consequence.” I scoffed, reliving the moment. “Like a girl hadn’t almost died.” I wiped the tears now running down my face and glanced up to see Marissa with tears on her cheeks and Rose leaning away.
“What if I never overheard, what if I never knew?” My shoulders sagged. I was somehow both heavier and lighter saying it out loud.
Rose tipped her head to the side. “Wait. You…were a bully?” Her voice held confusion, and knowing about Rose’s past, I could understand why. Her middle school was full of people who were vicious to her repeatedly.
A sob voice caught in my throat, I pressed my hand over my mouth, and nodded.
Hurt grew in her eyes. “You sat there and listened to my stories, and you didn’t say anything?” Her hurt was replaced with anger.
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yes.”
Marissa sighed as she looked between us.
“I can’t fix it. I know I can never undo it, who I was,” I said. “The person I was follows me everywhere I go.” I clenched my fists.
“I apologized to the girl when I saw her at school a week later.” I shrugged. “I changed and refused to hurt others for my personal gain ever again.” My shoulders shook, as I gasped for air. “Myfriends made fun of me and moved on. My mother was never more disappointed in me in my fall from popularity.” I placed my hands over my face. “I would never be who she wanted, and I refused to let myself change to appease her.” I wiped off my tears with my palms. “I wanted to start over, try to see who I could be without her.” Itook a shuddering breath. “I knew I wanted a fresh start.” Marissa leaned her head on my shoulder. I flexed my fingers and cleared my throat. “I remembered I had this elementary teacher in second grade, Mrs. Carlson.” I smiled as I thought of her crazy cardigans and big dangly earrings. “She was sweet, and kind, and made me feel special. Not special because of my last name, Luxe, but special because I loved the color yellow, my favorite animal was the polar bear, and I was great at drawing jellyfish. She saw me, really saw me, and it made all the difference.” I chewed on my lip. “I decided I wanted to pay it forward, I wanted to be that for some child somewhere else. I wanted to be an elementary teacher.” I pursed my lips. “I started going to an online college, and then found this rural program to finish my degree on the other side of the world. It was perfect.”
Rose studied the wall opposite of me, her eyebrows lowered.
I wiped a stray tear with my shoulder. “That was when I came here.”
Marissa’s eyes held kindness I didn’t deserve as she looked back at me. “Faith, or, I guess, Astrid?” She pulled the last word out, unsure.
“I’d rather be Faith,” I whispered. I wanted to be known as the person I was trying to become. Plus, the world of Astrid Luxe comes with its own set of rules and drama that I wanted nothing to do with.
She nodded. “Okay, Faith.” She looked at me. “I’m really sorry for the way you were raised.” She closed the distance between us and pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry about how you felt unloved and unappreciated. I can’t imagine being in the spotlight was easy for you either.” She squeezed my hand. “But I also hope you recognizethe person you are now, and that the choices you have made say far more about who you are as a person than any when you were in the process when you were finding yourself.” Marissa, still holding my hand, reached for Rose. “I’m sorry about your childhood. That humans can be so mean.” Rose looked at the ceiling, refusing to meet Marissa’s gaze. “I’m sorry you were alone when you had a storm going on at home too. You had nowhere that felt safe.” Marissa frowned. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help beat those jerks up for you.”
Rose scoffed and chuckled, her eyes finally meeting Marissa’s.
“I’m so sorry for you both, and the way you didn’t feel you could be who you were and feel safe.” Marissa sagged.
