“Thank you,” he said.
I hugged him back, and a warm spot grew in my chest. “I can’t let you have a Christmas emergency and not help.”
Danny grabbed my hand and began tugging me toward the front door, which now had Adam standing at the threshold. He looked exhausted. He was covered in flour as he rubbed a hand down his face, shook his head, and one side of his mouth pulled up in a smile. “Hey, Faith.”
I wanted to reach out to him, to hold him. “Merry Christmas Eve.”
And Adam, by his eyes, he wanted to hug me too. But Danny didn’t give us the option as he helped me toward the kitchen. I tried to look at the walls in the living room that held pictures anddrawings, a pile of toys, and Frosty on the TV as I was pulled into the small galley kitchen.
Danny grabbed the recipe that was set on the counter and pressed it into my hand.
I chuckled. “Okay, we better get started. Let me wash my hands.”
The three of us spent the next thirty minutes measuring, scooping, and adding extra chocolate chips for good measure. Adam could only pick out the eggshells. Danny thought he might have bad luck.
It was like a Christmas card. The three of us standing in the kitchen, Adam brushing against me and touching my waist every chance he could, and Danny with his rigid demands. This was what I wanted for Christmas. I wished to hold on to this memory forever, to paint it in my heart and in my mind, never letting it dull or change.
Danny was afraid the cookies might burn again, which led to the three of us leaning against the opposite cupboard, sitting on the floor, and watching them bake.
I should have kept my focus on the oven, but with both boys pressed in on either side, I couldn’t. As I was enveloped in the smell of warm chocolate chip cookies, my mind envisioned a different life than how I was raised, a life I now wanted in my future. In a simple home, with homemade presents, watching cookies bake, and surrounded by people I love.
Christmas Eve growing up was Mom’s annual dinner party. She always took it as a competition between that and the Knolts’ New Year’s Eve party. Both centerpieces started as small ice sculptures that somehow grew into ones the size of Christmas trees.
The year before I left, Mom boasted of crackers that cost three hundred dollars each and cheese that was seven hundred dollars a pound. And each guest got an exotic truffle chocolate box from Vosges and a gold champagne flute.
There were no cookies, no intimate dinner, nomatching pj’s. There was nothing about family at all. The party went super late, and then my parents slept most of Christmas Day. I could open my presents by myself whenever I wanted.
Danny yawned and leaned into my side, and I was brought back to this real life fairytale. The one with chipped linoleum floors, burnt cookies in the trash, and Frosty the Snowman on repeat in the background. Adam shifted and his hand slid down my arm and clasped my hand in his. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and his lips pressed into my hair.
I sat as still as I could, afraid to wake up from this dream.
This life could never be real, never truly be mine, until I was honest with everyone around me. They all deserved the chance to choose the real me.
Chapter Nineteen
ADAM
The not-burnt cookies were set out for Santa, and Danny was finally staying in bed. I walked through the hallway toward the living room. The lights of the Christmas tree guiding my path.
Our tree of Christmas past with Cassie was white lights only and matching wrapping paper. Everything used to look picture perfect, but behind the scene, it all was sad and empty.
Our tree now was full of handmade ornaments, bubble lights, and whatever random thing Danny added. The recent idea was small balls of tinfoil for shine. It all looked so different from before, but this was the picture I wanted to have with me forever. It was real.
Faith yawned as I sat on the couch next to her, the Christmas lights adding a soft glow to her skin. I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t wondering if this woman would be a part of our Christmas picture in the future.
“Danny is so lucky to get to have Christmas with you.” She nestled into my chest. It had been so long since I was in a state of constant physical affection. I didn’t want to go back to being alone. I hadn’t realized how much I missed being touched and held.
I chuckled. “What are you talking about? We literally had tocall in reinforcements for the cookies.” I rubbed her loose hair in my fingers.
She looked up at me. “I mean it! I wish my Christmases could have been like this.”
The comment was a reminder that I hardly knew the woman pressed against my side. I could tell she wasn’t very comfortable talking about her past, but I knew if we were going to make things work, we would need to learn to trust each other.
I smiled. “Tell me about your Christmases growing up.”
Faith stiffened at my side.
There was a pause, and I let the heavy silence fill it. If she wasn’t willing to share about herself, it would kill me, but I knew I would need to step back.
