I bought an extra one that day. I had betterlook for a neon winter coat. I held the truck door open and Danny climbed onto the bench.
I drove the truck six miles up the dirt road. Danny had taken to wearing his hair longer. I’d tried to cut it for the last month, but every time I tried, he said he liked how fuzzy it felt and he didn’t like the sound of the buzzers. I rumpled his blond hair with my hand and smiled. This kid was my entire world.
I loved my coaching job, and doing the PE classes with the kids. I loved my son. I loved my life, and I loved Hillsdale, even if it could be a bit much for some. It was my home, and they were proud of their own.
Danny started humming a Christmas song. Was he struggling in school? Why hadn’t he told me? I should probably look through the piles of papers he brings home instead of throwing them out. “Hey, Champ, how was your day?”
“Good.” Danny looked out the window at the neighbors’ grazing horses as we passed. He yawned. It wasn’t great to have him come to morning practices. But I couldn’t leave him. Maybe Mom would come over, but she was doing so much as it was.
“Hey, Danny?” He continued to stare out the window.
“Danny.” I prompted again.
Nothing. I reached over and tapped him on the shoulder, and he looked at me as if he was hearing me for the first time. “Did you eat at Gran’s?” When that boy went to another place, he was gone.
He shrugged. “Kinda. She made pancakes. I didn’t like them though. They were burnt.”
I winced. Danny’s blunt honesty could hurt Mom’s feelings sometimes. That must have been why she was upset.
“Danny.” He was looking out the window at the passing fields. “Look at me, please.” He quickly made eye contact, then looked away. “No, Danny, I need you to look at me, so I know you’re listening.”
His bright blue eyes met mine.
“Danny, did you hurt Gran’s feelings again?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I just said they were black.” His brow furrowed. “And that she should use less butter if she wanted to lose weight.”
Great. I would need to call Mom tonight. I was so tired, tired to a level that my bones and soul felt a constant ache. I rubbed my stubbled chin.
“Danny, that is hurtful,” I whispered. He was listening. There was no need to raise my voice. Another area where my ex and I differed.
His eyes shot to mine and then away. “Why? I just told the truth. She was talking about how her pants were tight and she wanted to lose weight. I remembered a YouTube video about fats in the body.”
I had to explain these things more and more, but it didn’t seem to stick. I recalled what his teacher had said about eye contact and not making social connections with the other kids. I dropped it for now. I leaned back in my seat. “I love you, bud.”
“Hmm.” His attention went back out the window.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked.
His golden hair bobbed yes, but he didn’t look my way.
“When I ask you to look at my eyes when I am talking, so I know you are listening, how does that make you feel?”
Danny shook his head. “I hate it. It makes me nervous, and my hands get wet. I don’t know what to do with them. Why do they think I can’t hear them if I am not looking at them? The different aids and specials teachers say it over and over. Look me in the eye, Danny. Eye contact, Danny. Danny, listen with your eyes, Danny.” His forehead creased. “That’s not even possible. Right?”
I leaned back. That was the most he had said about anything in a while.Okay. Don’t make him look me in the eye. Got it.
Chalk that up to another parenting fail.
I reached over and rubbed his shoulder. “Sorry, Champ. Daddy’s still trying to figure parenting out. I’ll stop asking you to look at my eyes,okay?”
He shrugged. “It’s not so bad with you. I don’t like when the lady at lunch does it. She won’t let me leave the line until I look her in the eyes and say thank you.”
It sounded like a reasonable request to say thank you. But since Danny was talking, I didn’t want to interrupt him.
“I didn’t want to do it. And she couldn’t make me.” He glanced my way and then back to the field. “So I decided to skip lunch, but then Ms. Faith found out. She talked with the lunch lady about how it made me uncomfortable and how we could come up with different ‘strategies.’” He made air quotes with his hands. “She likes that word.” Danny’s brow furrowed. “Now when I give the lunch lady a thumbs-up, she knows it means I’m saying thank you.” Danny kicked his feet swinging from the bench. “Ms. Faith went with me to get my lunch a few times, and now it’s okay again.” He looked out the window again.
My pride crumpled. Ms. Faith. It sounded like I needed to apologize for more than my childish behavior. I didn’t know he wasn’t eating lunch because he was uncomfortable. I also didn’t know why he couldn’t just say thank you.
