The sharp rap on the window jolted me, snapping me out of the spiral. I turned, my vision blurred, to see Mom standing there, her brow furrowed in worry.
She tried the door, but it was still locked. I hit the unlock button and mom pulled the door open. She squatted down beside me so we were eye level.
“What’s wrong?”
I blew my nose into my tissue. “Oh nothing…” I gasped, trying to catch my breath. “It’s just you and Jane were both wrong.” My head flopped onto the steering wheel as I choked back a sob. “It didn’t work out and now I am miserable. I was fine before. I was content.” I blew my nose into another tissue.
Mom’s hand moved in slow, soothing circles on my back, smoothing out the cracks in me one stroke at a time. “It’s cold,” she said gently and nodded toward her house. “Let’s go inside.” She reached over and took my hand in hers, and pulled me from the car.
I followed her inside, my body shuddering with sharp stabs of pain in my chest.
Sitting at the worn kitchen table, I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Love wasn’t worth the pain.
“Okay, let’s talk about it.” Mom scooted her chair closer and pulled my face toward her, her arms extended, and she waited for me.
“Oh, Mom.” I buried my face into her as I wrapped my arms around her in a hug, smearing the contents leaking from my face onto her shirt.
“What happened?” Mom wrapped pulled me in tighter.
She wouldn’t let me fall, she wouldn’t leave, because she truly loved me. “I ruined everything.” I reached for another tissue.
Mom wiped the tears off my cheeks. “Oh, I doubt that. But just in case,” she stood from the table and headed over to the cabinet. “I have never faced a problem that couldn’t be softened with some chocolate.” She smiled as she reached into the cupboard and pulled out a battered plastic container—the same one from my childhood, still decorated with fading broccoli stickers.
I let out a watery laugh. “You still keep it in there?”
Mom shrugged. “It helps me not eat it as fast, plus I like the memories it brings with it.” She grabbed a bowl and put some mini candy bars in it and then grabbed an extra box of tissues. “I used to change up the hiding place to see how long it would take for you little heathens to find my chocolate stash.” She chuckled. “It was never long.” She sat beside me, pushing the bowl of chocolate toward me. “Let’s start at the beginning.”
I folded my arms over my chest trying to hold everything together. “Everything hurts. I let myself hope. I let myself believe that love could work for me. I don’t know why I agreed to date him.” I picked up a Snickers as I gasped for breath. “I was so stupid.”
“That’s not stupid, hon.” She pulled me into a side hug before she reached for a chocolate.
“No, it was.” I nodded, resolute. “Love might work for other people, but it’s not for us.”
Mom leaned back. “What do you mean?”
“Dad left before I could hardly walk, and you haven’t loved anyone else since. You know every relationship is a ticking time bomb, waiting to end.”
“Emma.” Mom smiled. “I have loved and been loved every day of my life.” She raised her brows.
I scoffed and leaned away. “It doesn’t count if it’s us kids.”
She scowled. “Why ever not? You have filled my life with so much love and hope. I never had a day I didn’t feel love. Plus, I have had a few romantic relationships since your father as well.” Mom exhaled, setting her chocolate down. “And your dad didn’t leave us. I made him leave.”
The words didn’t compute at first. I blinked at her, my breath catching in my throat. “Wait…what?”
“Oh, Emma, if you focus too close on the piece in front of you, you will never get to see the whole picture.” She picked up my hand in hers. “But I can promise you I have love, by you and others. I loved your dad, even if we ended up not working out.”
“Wait, you made Dad leave?” My brain was spiraling.
Mom’s shoulders drooped. “Your father was constant proof you can love something that is not good for you.” She reached up and brushed a tear off my cheek. “I know a little about choosing to love yourself over the pretend affections of a man.” Her head tipped lower to see my eyes. “But I also know what it feels like to be loved for who you are, not in spite of it.”
I didn’t know if it was from the tears or incoming headache but I was spinning. I didn’t know Mom left Dad, or that she had dated through the years. In fact, sitting here at this table with the wonderful woman holding me, I wasn’t sure if I knew my mother at all.
“Love is worth the risk.” She straightened her shoulders. “Now, enough about your father and my love life.” She patted my back. ”What happened to you and Grant?”
This beautiful woman with wrinkles and worn hands had always been there when I needed her. “I love you, Mom.”
She pulled me into another hug. “Love you too, Em, but you’re not getting out of it that easy.”
