“She can’t have kids.” Michael and Dad were quiet for a minute.
“Well, do you want kids?”
I remembered my vision board from a month ago, the prestigious job and lifestyle. Then I thought of the vision my heart had created with Marissa, a future with kids and the picket fence. I thought about it. Did I want to have kids, like my own kids?
Yes?
I don’t know.
Ugh. We hadbothkept secrets. But did her secrets change how I felt? Or what I wanted?
“I thought I knew what I wanted a few months ago, then I had a new future planned out until only a few minutes ago, and now. . . I have no idea what my plan is.” I rubbed my forehead and tapped the back of my head against the wall.
“Hmm,” Dad said. “That’s hard. My only advice is to go with the choice you can’t live without.”
I dropped my head into my hands. I had a fierce headache coming on. “What if it isn’t up to me? What if she won’t give me a chance?”
“Well, I figure you'll cross that bridge once you’re on it. One step at a time. First, you need to decide what you want in your life.” Dad reached over and gave me a side hug. “Alright, let’s have some pie.”
Dad and Michael stood and headed to the kitchen. I think they could tell I needed space to think. What did I want? I thought about the two different lives that stood in front of me. One bridge led to the plan I’d always wanted before; the other bridge had Marissa standing at the end of it. I knew what I wanted. I didn’t want pie. I wanted Marissa. I hated the thought of her hurting, knowing I was the cause. I stood and walked to the couch, picked up my phone, and dialed Marissa’s number.
Voicemail.
Listening to her cheery voice was a knife in my gut.
I texted her. I needed to tell her everything. No more secrets.
Scott: Marissa, please let me explain. Yes. My original plan was to use you to allow Carol to let me stay, then convince Carol to sell to the Raymond & Johnson Law Firm. If she agreed to sell by December, they offered to hire me and give me a big enough bonus to save my parents house and have the job I always wanted. Someone else would take over at Hillsdale.
Yep, I sounded like a complete jerk. Maybe I was one.
Marissa: Looks like it worked—congrats.
I was relieved that she answered me at all.
Scott: No, that’s the thing. It did work, but along the way, I realized the life I’d planned for wasn’t what I wanted. I picked the wrong plan. You showed me that there is more to life than prestige and external importance. You’ve taught me so much, Marissa. Please, give me another chance.
Marissa: Your plans changed once. I’m sure they can again. You can’t have the life you want with me, either. Please don’t text me again, don’t make this harder.
Ugh! I set my phone down on the ground next to me. I needed to listen to her, but she wasn’t listening to me. Doesn’t it matter that I changed my mind?
I felt numb and empty. What was I supposed to do?
I would wait until Mom got home and ask her how Marissa was doing. Maybe Mom would know how to save this? If I could come up with a good plan, Michael and Dad would help in any way they could. So would Jessica. I had a great family that would always have my back. How had I refused to see it before? I was so focused on the wrong things for too long, I could only see the reality I’d created for myself.
I paced back and forth, waiting. I heard a car pull into the driveway and rushed out the front door, meeting Mom at her car and opening the door. “Mom, is Marissa okay? She isn’t answering me. She won’t talk to me. What do I do?”
Mom sighed and stepped out of the car.
“Honestly, Scott, we hardly spoke. I offered her a ride, and she sat pulling at her shirt, wiping her tears, and looking out the window. She was crushed, Scott.” She jabbed me in the shoulder, hard. “You’d better fix this. That girl deserves better than someone like you right now. You need to be better. I hope she gives you another chance.”
“How do I convince her to let me try?”
“I don’t know if you can.” She walked around the car headingtowards the house. “You’d better think of something big. Put her happiness in front of your own for a change.”
I walked to my car, which I always took so much pride in. I sat and stared at the now empty seat beside me. The tears that had threatened to fall all evening now fell without reserve as I thought of Marissa sitting there beside me, her feet up on the dash and a sprinkled cookie in her hand. I was stupid.
It wasn’t the car I wanted. Not anymore. I cared nothing about this car.
