“If he is a complete dirtbag,” Rose threw in.
This felt scary. If I said something, it could change everything. “Guys, look, yes, I like him, but I'm questioning everything right now. I don’t know . . .”
There was a big part of me that thought my reproductive organs shouldn’t make a difference, but the smaller part of me whispered,but what if it does?
Faith nodded. “Marissa, why have you wanted to go to London?”
“Because it’s where my dad took my mom, and we talked about going when I graduated.”
“Why else?” Faith prodded. Leave it to Faith to not take my simple answer.
“It’s away from the expectations of Hillsdale.” I closed my eyes, surprised by my confession.
“What expectations?” Faith asked.
I tried to form the right words, but they jumbled and spilled over each other as I spoke. “I don’t know. Everyone here has the same routine. They go to school, get married, then have babies. The end.” I sat back on the couch, my fingers urging to fiddle with my shirt. “It’s what everyone talks about. How are the kids? How are the grandkids? How is motherhood treating you? I change those plans.” A piece inside of me fell in on itself. “They couldn’t have that with me. Everyone here knows that.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks, unsure when they appeared or how I had started this conversation. “Everyone here looks at me like I have no future worth having. Like I’m broken.” I don’t think I had ever said that out loud before, but every word rang true.
Faith leaned against my side. “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Broken? Do you have a future still worth having?” I felt Rose move on the couch to sit on my other side.
“Yes . . . No . . . I don’t know.” All my nerves rose to the top of my skin, burning with heat.
Faith squeezed my hand. “Maybe that’s where you should start? I still have the contact information for my friend who’s a counselor, if you want it.”
Faith had pressed counseling the last few years. Maybe she was onto something.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore tonight. I’ll think about it, but maybe I should figure out if he wants something serious before I talk about babies.” I wiped away all the evidence of tears.
My phone vibrated. Several texts from Scott were waiting on the screen. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Bye.” Rose bumped my shoulder and grinned.
I scoffed. “What? No, I’m staying and helping plan this thing.”
Nan yawned dramatically. “I might need a nap.”
Faith grinned and nodded for me to answer my phone. “I have lesson plans calling my name.”
Scott: I miss you.
Scott: What are you up to? Want to go to lunch?
“Are you sure you are ready for a break, Nan?”
She rubbed her eyes and forced a yawn.
Marissa: Sure.
I heard a knock at the front door and jumped. Was that Scott already? Did it look like I was crying? I dried my eyes one more time and took a deep breath.
Reaching the front door, I opened it, surprised to see him. I stepped back. How long had he been there? Had he been listening?
Scott’s mouth lifted in a shy grin.
“Hey Marissa, sorry to just stop by, you didn’t answer your phone and well . . . I was going to come knock, but then I tried to text one more time.” He blushed. “This is awkward that I’m already here. Should I go home and come back later?” He flinched.
