‘Not online.’ There. I wait for my world to come crashing down.
‘What?’ The word is sharp, whispered. ‘How?’
‘I wanted to see it. If I couldn’t stop it, I wanted to b-bear witness. So they wouldn’t be alone.’ My voice catches on the last word. ‘So I made Kyle take me. And I saw it all.’
‘Oh my dear.’ My father’s other arm comes around me. I turn into him, my head on his shoulder, breathing in his violet scent, laced with wood and moss. It’s comforting, bringing back a hazy memory of being held this way when I was very small. It feels like home. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘You should never have had to?—’
‘Yes. Yes I should.’ I lift my head. ‘If I’m going to be Raven, and make decisions like that, I need to know what I’m agreeing to. I need to know what being Raven truly means. And now I do.’
My father says nothing.
‘And-and, when I saw it, wh-when I saw you and m-mother, how you were, I wanted no part of it. I’d rather be human, and live with them than have to see something like that, do something like that… I don’t want to be Raven if that’s what it means.’
‘That’s why you’ll be such a good Raven,’ my father says.
I shake my head. ‘How can I be? I’m weak, need constant protection. And I don’t want to kill any humans.’
‘Neither do I. Not unless I absolutely have to.’
‘But it’s part of who we are.’
‘It can be. But it doesn’t have to be. You could be the one to change things, you know. Really, while I could shake you for putting yourself in danger, at the same time I’m proud of you.’
‘You are?’ I wonder if perhaps he’s been hit in the head, or something. But vampire super healing would take care of anything like that. So, he must really mean it.
‘Yes.’ He hugs me again. ‘I wish you’d told me how you felt.’
‘I tried! I tried to talk to Mother, but she didn’t want to stop it, and you seemed to agree, and… after the Moon Harvest I just…’ I thought my parents were monsters. But I can’t say that. ‘I guess I felt I had no other option than to leave. I don’t know how you can be proud of me, after all I’ve done.’ I drop my head.
‘I am, though,’ he says. I look up. ‘Because this is what I want for you. That you feel confident enough to speak your mind. To fight for what you believe. And to go after it. That you see there’s more to ruling than robes and parties. Although, while I remember…’ He pulls something from his pocket. My Raven necklace. It unspools from his fingers, glittering faintly. ‘Here. You really should wear this.’
I take it from him with shaking fingers and put it on. ‘Kyle said the same thing, you know. That I’d be a good Raven. So, maybe I will be.’ I speak without thinking.
‘Kyle.’ My father’s voice changes. ‘Yes, the young guard. Emelia, I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you do need to remember who you are.’
‘I know.’
‘And don’t assume you can’t get pregnant.’
‘Whoa! What?Father!’ I squeal, pushing at him. Oh. My. God. He starts laughing. In the distance Dark Haven is aglow, buildings aflame. It seems completely surreal to be sitting here on cold stone with my father, in an oasis of darkness and quiet, and to hear him laughing.
‘Emelia, forgive me, I have to tell you this?—’
‘I don’t need the sex talk!’
He laughs even harder, his whole body shaking. Perhaps he’s embarrassed, too. God knows. I feel as though I’m about to dissolve with shame. Seriously, I don’t need this.
‘All I’m saying is that you can have fun, but you need to be careful. With him, with any vampire. You’re human, true, but you’re also full-blooded Raven. Your blood is different. You could have a vampire child, should you choose to fall pregnant. You carry the magic in you.’ He grows serious. ‘You are the future of this house, you know.’
I’m silent for a moment. Then I ask the question I’ve been wondering for a long time, wandering the hallways alone. ‘Why didn’t you and mother have another child? Was it because of me? Because of… how I am?’
‘Oh, my child.’ He hugs me again, all hilarity gone. ‘Yes… and no.’ I tense. ‘No, not because of how you are. You’re perfect, Emelia, just as you are. If we’d had another child like you, I would have been happy. But if we’d had another child that was vampire, they could have seen you as a threat to their position.’
He pauses. I don’t say anything, letting it sink in. Because this is beyond huge.
‘We didn’t want to shut you away any more than we already had.’ His voice goes quiet. There’s an ache in my chest again, love and pain mingling like acid. My father continues, ancient sorrow in his words. ‘You would not have been safe. So, we decided to wait.’
Until I’m dead, I guess. Humans born of vampires live human-length lives. I don’t say it, but I know my father is thinking it from the way he hugs me close, his breath catching. I hug him back, my heart brimming with love for him and my mother, for all they’ve done for me, all that I’m realising now.
