I can see that he thinks I want to end things between us and that just about tears me up more than his beaten-dog look. I rub my lace-trimmed sleeves, wait until he nods, and then I follow him outside. I don’t have my jacket, Levi gave it to the coat check, and it’s reallygoddamn cold. Knox leads me over to the fire pit. People are staring at him. Staring atus.
“So,” he says, sitting down on the bench next to the fire and putting his arms behind him on the backrest. His legs spread a bit. Not manspreading but spread in that way guys often do. My glance lands in his crotch and it’s almost too much. My body responds to him. “What’s up?”
He’s Knox, but at the same time he’s not. It doesn’t sound like him. His voice has taken on theit’s-all-the-same-to-metone it always had when we were getting to know each other and that, in the meantime, I’ve learned is a defense mechanism. Some guy or other walks past—“What’s up, Winterbottom? Rad big air at training today, man!” and they give each other a high five. Knox laughs, and it occurs to me that he just may be the best actor in the world.
I sigh, sit down next to him, and run my hand across the fabric covering my thighs. “I’m not ready for us to go public, Knox.”
He looks at me for a long time before opening his mouth then closing it again. Eventually he says, “Okay.”
I blink. “Don’t you want to know why?”
He shrugs. “You’ve got your reasons. And if you want to tell me, you will. I accept that.” He leans back, runs a hand through his hair, and grins. “Even if I take the fact that you find me embarrassing personally.”
“That’s not true.”
“Just kidding. Who on earth could find me embarrassing?”
“You aresonarcissistic.”
“I prefer self-assured.”
I have to grin. “It’s amazing that you even know a word likeprefer.”
“You always say that.”
“What?”
“It’samazingthat you even know that word. It’samazingthat you’re not dumb. It’samazingthat you can even speak.” He laughs,stands up, and moves in front of me. He bends down toward me, his arms to the left and right of my face, his hands on the back of the wooden bench. His face is close. He nods and grins lightly. “Is it really so incredible that I’m handsomeandsmartandathletic?”
“Careful, or else you’ll really become embarrassing.”
His lips graze mine, a gossamer-thin touch and over so quickly that I want to capture the moment and not let it go, but I have to, because I’m panicking that someone is watching us. I discreetly cast a glance around, but no one is looking.
“We both know that’s not true.” Then he stands back up. “Should we go in?”
“Okay.”
We walk in side by side. His finger stroking the back of my hand. Inadvertently, I think, but everything within me is tingling. Knox looks at me.
“What’s up?”
He sighs. “I’m mourning my shattered dream.”
“What do you mean?”
He pulls open the door. The doormen don’t say a word as we pass. The big one doesn’t even cast my hair a quick glance.
Knox twists his mouth. “Falling all over you in front of Jason Hawk.”
“I don’t think Jason would notice at all.” I nod toward Knox’s competitor, who is lingering over the face of a woman out on the dance floor. He looks like he’s ready to eat her. “My God, his mouth issobig.”
Knox nods. “He’s a carnivorous plant.”
I watch him for a second, but then notice Gwen, Levi, and Aaron not too far away.
I look at Knox questioningly. “Wanna go dance?”
“I don’t know how.”
