“There is too much rage in you, Paisley. Turn it into energy. Into passion.”
It feels like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. In seconds my temples are pounding, my heartrate shoots up, and my palms grow damp, which has nothing to do with the ice I was skating on just a few minutes before.
“I…” There’s a lump in my throat. “That’s… How do you know what…” I can’t finish the sentence. Instead, I try to swallow the lump back down. Unsuccessfully.
“My heart is a ghost town, girl.” Polina smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Lost souls recognize one another.”
“What… What happened to you?” I whisper.
“Everyone’s got their reasons, no?” She looks to the side. She looks toward the scoreboard, but I doubt that she really sees it. “But lost souls give you the task of finding your own.” She looks back at me. From one second to the next her former expression returned.“Use your memories. Bring fire to your movements and let the flame guide you. Try it.”
My head is spinning as I push off the boards and skate across the ice. My thoughts are racing, I am thinking about everything, about Polina and what she’s struggling with, about Kaya, my mom, andhim. I grow dizzy, then hot, then cold. Screams, loud, far too loud, just in my head and not really there. But if they’re not really there, why do they feel so tangible, so near, sounbearable? I’m starting to panic, my head just wants everything to grow quiet, quiet at long last, and calm and secure. But that fear is in me, deep down, far too deep, it’s coming back up, high and higher, it’s whispering and hissing, becoming clearer the higher it gets. I want to drive it away, I want it to unfold and then leave me alone.
That’s when I feel it. Feel its clutches scatter in all directions, feel that it’s up to me. The air takes hold of me, lets me become part of it as I spin and allow the memories to come before pushing them away again. Two and a half spins.
I land backward-outward.
Polina smiles. And behind that smile I recognize something that warms my heart and that I believed no trainer would ever show me.
Pride.
Suddenly, I understand why Polina pulled me out of the fitness room. I understand why she had insisted we try the jump now and not tomorrow. What was going on inside of me wasn’t meant for anyone else’s eyes. She knows that. She, too, is living it.
“Come on, Gwen.” For the fourth time I dial her number, but her voicemail picks up. Cursing, I disconnect and look around outside of iSkate. No trace. She wasn’t in the changing room, either.
Levi and Aaron walk past. I look at them almost desperately. “Have you all seen Gwen? She wanted to take me with her.”
“No idea,” Levi says and presses the key to his car. Not far fromus the lights of a silver Mercedes blink on. “I think she took off. Her Jeep’s not here.”
“She’s not answering her phone.”
Aaron shoots me an apologetic look. “We’d take you, but we’ve only got a two-seater.”
“Don’t worry.” I wave it off. “See you tomorrow.”
The two raise their hands in goodbye before getting into their car and driving off. I wonder what to do now. Last night, Ruth gave me Mr. Winterbottom’s number. We talked and agreed that I’d come by around six-thirty for an interview. Now it’s ten past, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to get to Aspen Highlands that quickly.
A white Range Rover pulls into the parking lot. At first my heart skips a beat thinking it could be Gwen with another car, but then I recognize who’s driving.
It’s Knox. Wyatt is sitting next to him in the passenger seat, leaning all the way back with his boots on the windowsill. I roll my eyes and pretend to type into my phone to look busy.
What are they doing here?
Behind me a door opens up and Harper strolls past. She is wearing her sports bag like a little designer purse, its strap in her elbow. The Range Rover stops right in front of us, the back door opens, and a girl with long black hair waves Harper over. “Move your cute ass, Davenport. Kate’s burgers are waiting for us.”
Harper swings herself into the car. Before she closes the door, she leans over to Knox and…kisses him. As he doesn’t turn toward her properly, she just catches the corner of his mouth, but it is definitely a kiss.
I slowly put my phone back down. I don’t even realize that I am unabashedly staring into the car. Harper reaches out to pull the door shut. Noticing my stare, she narrows her eyes. “Don’t gawk.”
She slams the door and Knox turns the steering wheel. His eyes meet mine. I almost expect a mocking grin to appear while he makesa comment about me that I cannot hear. But I’m wrong. A second later all I have in front of my eyes is its taillights as it turns the corner.
My chest tightens, and I feel a light pain in my stomach without really knowing why. Okay, apparently Harper and Knox have something going on, but what do I care? Especially after the way he behaved yesterday.
Or?
I catch myself shifting my weight from one leg to the other, thinking about that movie night at the Old-Timer. The Knox I was with there seemed to be a different person than the one I ran into yesterday. He bought me buttered popcorn and even made me laugh. I haven’t been doing much of that for a while.
Suddenly, I’m really angry. Angry at Gwen for leaving me hanging, angry at Knox for hurting me. And for getting involved with that dummy by the name of Harper. But maybe I’m angry at myself, too, for caring what he does and with whom. I shouldn’t have watched that movie with him.
