At some point Paisley moves away and looks at me. Her face is spotted red, her blue eyes swimming in tears. “I have to go back to him, Knox.”
There are things in life you hear but that are so absurd they don’t want to reach you. This is one of them. She says it and I hear it, but, somehow, it just doesn’t reach me.
“No,” I say. “Why should you?”
She grabs her throat. The lump is most likely stuck. “I have no choice. I have to go back to Minneapolis.”
“You most definitely do not. Listen, Paisley. Dad’s going to take care of him. That pig is going to leave Aspen and never bother you again. You don’t need to be afraid, okay? My dad has clout and knows the right people. He’s going to take care of this.”
“Hecan’ttake care of it.” Her voice is broken by sobs. It’s hard for me to understand her, she’s crying so hard. “He may have clout, but he’s not above the law.”
I blink. “Above the law?”
She takes a deep breath as if what she’s about to say will demand everything of her. Everything.
“I am bound to him by contract. I simply took off and signed myself up at iSkate, although I’m still under contract with Ivan.”
Her words slam into my solar plexus with the strength of steel. I can hardly breathe.
“I was so dumb,” she sobs. “It was so dumb of me to come here. I messed up my whole life, yours, too, although I knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t work out.”
I have no idea what to do. I’d like to tell her that we’ll figure it out, that everything will turn out okay, but I’d be lying. I desperately look for a way out in my head, but there aren’t any, not a single one. My lungs are burning. They need oxygen. I breathe in but it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any air. I feel like I’m suffocating.
“Okay,” I stammer. “You’re under contract with him. But that doesn’t mean anything, Paisley. If you go back, I’m coming with you. I’ll protect you from that motherfucker until your contract is up and we can come back to Aspen.”
She shakes her head. “Your life is here, Knox.”
“Youare a part of my life now.”
Whoops. I shouldn’t have said that because she just starts to cry even more. I stand up, take her hand, and pull her up. She’s wobbly, as if she’s just run a marathon. “Come on. Let’s go home.” She’s still looking at the floor. I lift up her chin and look into her eyes. “You know what, Paisley? I want you so bad it scares the shit out of me. But here I am, freaked, maybe a bit cracked, and I want you all the same. That means that I’m behind you no matter what happens. All you have to do is turn around and you’ll see me. All you have to do is say a word and I’ll listen. I’m not going away, got it?”
She nods, and I think she really understands how much she means to me. But I also think thatshethinks that her past is something she needs to sort out on her own. Something that she doesn’t want to do to me because it hurt her.
And that scares me more than everything else—it means that I could lose her.
43
That Dream Grew in Your Heart for a Reason
Paisley
Knox’s breath brushes my cheek. He came to bed late. I lay under his deep-space bedspread half the night listening to the muffled voices of him and Jack coming up from downstairs without understanding what they were talking about. But I didn’t want to hear them, anyway. For me it’s clear: Knox is not going to leave his hometown for me and lose his place in the program. There is no way I’m going to allow that to happen.
Just a little bit longer,I think, as his chest rises and falls against my back. He’s holding onto me tight.Just one more minute.
I’ve been thinking it for half an hour now. But time is running out and when I stretch out my hand to type something into my phone, I know that I can’t stay in bed much longer.
I have to let go.
My legs are trembling. My whole body is trembling. Everything within me is screaming to stay in bed. Knox’s hand falls off my arm as I sit up. He shifts onto his back, opens his lips, and keeps on sleeping. The moonlight has found its way between the curtains and is casting a gray shimmer across his body. His face looks so peaceful, but I just can’t. It’s like life hates me. First it dragged me through thedirt, then it gave me the greatest joy on earth only to take it away again, and leave me with the memory of how beautiful things could have been.
The bed creaks when I stand up. I hold up my phone and take a picture of Knox so that I can look at him whenever I want. It’s dark, but I can make out enough of his angelic face, and I’m going to need it.
For a while I just stand in the middle of the room, Knox’s far-too-large Hilfiger hoodie wrapped around my body, listening to the tick of the alarm clock.
It’s terrible. Terrible letting go of something you’d rather hold onto forever. Letting go of something you love.
My heart is pounding against my ribs as I take a deep breath and leave. I go upstairs to my own room, over to the huge triangular dormer window and look out onto Aspen Highlands. A winter wonderland. Everything is white. Snow, snow, and more snow.
