I sprint through the hallways, cross the entrance, and pray that Knox is going to pick me up after our discussion, but once I get outside and the cold air slams into my face, I see him. He’s not waiting in his Range Rover as usual but is standing right at the bottom of the stairs, his hands in his jacket pockets, and I know immediately,immediately, that something isn’t right. The way his jaw is building a stiff, tense line. His eyes dark and joyless. No trace of the easygoing cheerfulness Knox usually gives off. No trace ofmyKnox.
“What’s wrong?”
He takes a deep breath. His front neck muscles tense up and protrude clearly. He’s scaring me.
“Did something happen?”
“Guess, Paisley. Just guess what happened.”
“No idea.” I start to panic. He should simply tell me what’s wrong. My heart stumbles and begins to beat more quickly. “Tell me already.”
“Hmm, strange.” His face twitches. He fakes a smile, a snide one that doesn’t fit him at all and distorts his beautiful features. “I could have sworn you’d be more self-satisfied.”
“Shit, come on, Knox,what do you mean?”
“No doubt you had a good training session, huh? I can justimagine how your whole body must have been trembling in anticipation of siccing the anti-doping folks on me.”
I feel like I’m falling. “What?”
“Stop playing dumb. That was precisely your goal. Congratulations, Paisley. It worked. Are you happy now?”
“Do you really think I informed the Anti-Doping Agency?” The strap of my sports bag slips off my shoulder, and it hits the ground. “Really, Knox?Really?”
“You are the only person who knows. Yesterday you found out, and today, what a coincidence, the authorities are standing in front of my door demanding that I piss into a cup whilestaring at my fucking dick.”
For a second I am unable to respond. I stare at him, unable to comprehend that he really thinksIratted him out.
I try to stay calm, but it’s not easy. “These doping controls are standard, Knox. You’re a world-famous half-pipe snowboarder. You won first place at the X Games and are now preparing for the World Cup. Did it really never cross your mind that the ADA might pay you a visit?”
He snorts. “They don’t just simply show up.”
“Of coursethey simply show up! Knox, my God, are you serious? Youknowthat much as an athlete!”
Knox turns away. He looks at the snowy sign on the wall of iSkate and seems far too far away. I could stretch out my hand and touch him, he’s standing right there, but it wouldn’t be Knox because Knox isn’t there. My heart sinks into my boots. I take a step forward and really do want to reach out for his hand, but he moves away and stretches out his arm to keep me at a distance.
“Knox, I swear, I was…”
“Stop. Just stop, okay?”
He goes. The sound of the slamming car door echoes in my ears. I start. My eyes follow the car’s rear end as it moves off. The snow swirls.
I feel a hand between my shoulder blades. It’s Gwen. She, too, looks after the car until it’s gone.
“You wanted to know what kind of emergency I was saving my strength for at the X Games, remember? This is one of them. Come on, I’ll take you.” She picks my bag up off the ground, looks at me, and takes my hand. “Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.”
41
What If You Fly?
Paisley
It’s been four days since the USADA paid Knox a visit. Four days since Knox has spoken a word to me. I’ve been keeping busy with the tourists, going to training, and torturing myself with the triple axel. In the mornings, I get up, make breakfast for Knox and Jack, then wait until I hear a door open and Knox comes down the stairs in his running gear. Most of the time, his hair’s still messy and standing up in all directions. I like that. It looks bold. I’d like to run my fingers through it, every time, but he always hides it beneath a gray Vans hat. When he opens the door and gets going, I take off behind him.
It’s always the same path: Into the Aspen Highlands, shortcuts through the firs, dark all around us. I don’t listen to any music, as the sound of our steps on the snowy ground and our irregular breathing is music enough. Knox knows that I’m jogging behind him, but he never talks to me. He hears me, and sometimes, when the rise of the mountain gets to me, he slows down. He acts like he’s catching his breath, but I know it isn’t true. Knox could run this stretch without a pause. But he always slows down when I do, and if things betweenus were over, he wouldn’t do that.
Gwen said I could stay with her and work at the diner. I refused. This here is everything I want to fight for until our time together is over. As long as I can fight, I will.
By the time I make it to the resort, Knox is already in the shower. Normally I take a long shower myself so that he can eat breakfast in peace without having to see me one more time before heading off to training. I want to give him time so that he can sort out his thoughts and recognize that he made a mistake. I want him to apologize and for us to be Knox and Paisley again.Knox and Paisley.
