“You are equal to any of them, Belle. Those men in your house were there with you, remember that. They chose you and are not better than you. I choose you as a friend, as do William and now Luke. And... North chose you as both. In some ways, I cannot imagine a better family to marry into.”
“Now you’re being naïve.”
“I prefer optimistic, thank you,” Charlotte answered with a grin. “Were you not going to marry some lord who needed a dowry, anyway? How does this lord differ?”
The difference was that she loved him and thus cared about hurting him with her past.
Charlotte pushed. “You care about him being hurt.”
Dratted woman read her mind. She nodded.
“I know you, Belle. You would never marry in cold blood. Let’s face it: you don’t need to. I know what you have saved. You said yourself you want to marry for companionship and to have a family. I think that all this sounded like an excellent plan in theory. Now that you’re faced with the reality, you’re balking. You’re questioning whether you deserve these opportunities. Now, repeat after me. I am equal to any man and better than most, and I deserve to be loved.”
“I . . . I . . .” Belle shook her head.
Charlotte took her hands and squeezed. “We’ll work on it. Please, think about all I’ve said. Those men from your past are walking around guilt-free; why shouldn’t you? You offered a valuable service and were well paid for it. And you’ve found a man who understands that and accepts it. Do not let him get away.”
She hated toadmit it, but Charlotte was correct. Oh, she still could not envision herself joining Luke and North for a family dinner, as she felt queasy the one time she did picture it. More than the Ton’s attitude toward her, she dreaded the repercussions for Luke. But she deserved to be loved—by someone who would not be harmed by her past.
In a desperate bid to try to move past her feelings for Luke, Belle visited the Black Widow again.
“Where is your husband-to-be?” Bessie asked, her face hidden behind her standard veil, the lighting in the office dim enough that Belle barely saw her lips move.
Belle narrowed her gaze. “He is not my husband-to-be, and he is in Northumberland for the holidays.”
“Hmm. What did you want to see me about, then?”
She led with the request she thought would be easiest to resolve. “Please allow me to pay off Lord Lynwood’s debts to you.”
“That is against policy. You may give him the money to pay them, but I cannot release a marker to someone without the debtor’s knowledge.”
“But . . . why?”
“Surely you can imagine the ways in which an unethical sort could hold a debtor’s vowels over them for control.” Bessie shrugged.
“Are you insinuating I might be unethical?” Belle’s spine snapped taut.
“Not at all, my dear, or I would not have taken you as a client. However, rules are rules,” the widow answered, her tone mild.
“As I said, he’s not in London. You’d have your funds a month earlier by taking them now.”
Bessie shook her veiled head, dismissing the matter. Changing the subject, she asked, “Is he requesting his father’s permission for your marriage?”
“No.” Belle frowned. “He is a grown man. He does not need permission.”
The widow smiled. “Why are you not with him then? Are you or are you not betrothed?”
“That is the other reason I wished to speak to you. I’ve realized my guidance to you was not specific enough. I require a non-titled husband. Ideally, not even a second son. Perhaps a merchant?”
“That is not the way it works, Belle. I gave you your match. But I confess to curiosity. Why narrow the parameters now?”
Belle swallowed her panic. She did not want to go through this again after her conversation with Charlotte, but she needed the matchmaker’s help. “Honestly, I never dreamed you would suggest a match with a titled lord. Wedding me would blackenhis reputation and that of his family, including children, beyond repair.”
“You do realize the whole purpose of my matchmaking service is to help people whose reputations are already besmirched, do you not?”
“Yes, but there is a vast difference between a titled lady caught in a compromising position that may or may not have been her fault and a courtesan. Particularly one who has had a dozen high-profile attachments to members of the House of Lords.”
A low chuckle came from beneath the veil. “Have you considered that those members and others who have or had similar ‘attachments’ have no basis on which to judge you?”
