No. This stops here. I don’t need anyone’s approval, but nor do I care to listen to their condemnation.
“Beth, listen to me, please.” He took her hand again. “I tried to explain that the other night. It should be my choice, and I choose anonymity. I choose the shadows. They are comfortable. I know what to expect, and I am happy.”
“Are you, though?”
“Are you?” he retorted. Really, he couldn’t imagine having to field gossip directed at one’s actions constantly and pretending to ignore it or that it didn’t hurt.
She tugged her hand away and stood to pace. “I do not seek out public attention.”
“Mayhap not. But nor does it bother you when it lands on you. It bothers me.” He sighed again. She was going to make him give voice to their differences. “Your questions indicate that you struggle to accept me how I am. I have tried to meet you partway, right from discussing the undergarment at Evan’s dining table to our play at the theatre. Did you think ’twas comfortable for me? It does not seem to be enough for you. I am not at all sure where we go from here. Even your recitation of the school’s existence makes me worry about your ability to keep my identity secret.”
He knew as soon as he said it, he shouldn’t have. But it was too late to take it back.
“That is not fair,” she cried, her hands fisting on her hips. “I had permission, and I did it because I trusted you. Godsakes, I thought you might know, given your friendship with Cheltie.”
“What?” What did Evan have to do with anything?
“Half his servants are from there, and I am quite sure he’s funded the school, although to what extent I have no idea.”
“What?” His voice was incredulous. His best friend had kept such an enormous secret from him? Well, that proved his point. “That supports what I said. Evan has never breathed a word about the school in all these years, yet here you are.”
Lud, what am I doing? I am running her off. Am I sure this is what I want?
Beth stamped her foot. “You dratted man! I was trying to help you. How was I to know you did not need it or want it?” Her eyes held tears, but her voice was firm. “You’ve made it quite clear now, I assure you. You don’t want me or my help.” She strode to the door. “Good night, sir.”
Letting her go, both literally and figuratively, was the right thing. They were not compatible. Beth’s behavior was always going to edge on the outrageous, and despite her good intentions, she’d struggle with his need for normalcy.
But then why did his chest hurt so much, as though something in it had broken?
****
Robert tossed and turned all night.
His thoughts circled around everything he’d learned from Beth.
He felt naked, in the worst possible way. He’d peeled back his layers of protection, baring himself to her a little more each night, trusting her to protect and accept his weakness.
She had not been able to see that vulnerability. He’d shared his creative visions, his unprepossessing body, even his dreams of buying a manor home, although he never told her he was waiting to have a wife to pick it out with for fear of her laughing at the idea of someone marrying him.
For all that he’d revealed, perhaps he had not shared his history in enough detail. ’Twas not a lack of trust, despite what he’d said in anger. He simply hated to speak of the past, the bullying and taunting, the disdain for a second son, another layer of rudeness.
Mayhap she would not have pushed so hard to expand his business if he had shared more of his fears or his finances earlier. At least then she’d have known he did not need to worry about growing his business. He’d told her he worked because he loved it, not because he needed to, but he hadn’t shared the extent of it. He’d seen too many women pursue Evan for the weight of his purse.
She’d said the school had a variety of programs and had been open several years. That equated to too many people who might judge him on his profession or laugh at the idea of such an ungainly creature creating beautiful sexual pieces. When she’d compared it to Sarah’s, suddenly Sarah’s no longer felt safe.
He flopped to his other side and worried anew. He’d given in on the catalogue for Sarah’s to please Beth. He’d thought he’d do just about anything to make her happy. Only then she’d wanted more. Now, he was unsure if he’d pursue a book for Sarah’s, especially without his favorite model.
Come now, you are a member at Sarah’s. ’Tis the safest of places; no one there will judge.
His focus turned to the school. Were there other outlandish women like Beth walking around because of this secret education? Well, mayhap not like Beth. There was no one like her in beauty, kindness, caring…
Then why did you push her away, nitwit?
We are simply too different.
Yet she seemed to want to continue seeing you.
He missed her already. Her succulent form, all soft and begging for his touch. Her creative ideas, put to naughty use just as his were, improving his designs. Even her outrageousness, at least when it was in company he felt was safe.
