“I’m sorry,” I said after a moment.
“Me too,” he said.
“I wish…” I sat back, my heart sinking like a stone. Not surprising. Stones didn’t break. I made damned sure I wouldn’t, either. “Never mind. Wishes don’t matter. I am who I am, and life is what it is.”
“Blue,” he said.
“Don’ttell me it’s complicated,” I muttered. “I gathered pretty quick.”
But stones could hurt someone else if you swung them hard enough. I was good at that. It was how I stayed safe.
“But I’ll never know, will I?” I asked. “I’ll never know how theTouchstoneis alive, or why she’s in love with a mirrormage, or what your hels ’n’ holy commission is that no one can talk about.”
And I needed to stay safe.
Fahr said nothing, and I stared out the dirty glass. Forge was trying his best to bake away the gray, but he was losing, despite his size.
Smoke approached with the cups.
And so, I swung.
“I’ll never know why Smoke talks like a foggin’ prince, or why you all wear earrings, or how a floating slab of wood ‘chooses’ her crew.”
The dworgh set the drinks on the table. I reached for my cupbut paused, lifted my hands.
“I’ll never know what the bells happened to my arms, or why they respond to chimeric, or if I’ll ever find a station that allows me to work when things I touch burst into flame.”
Fahr took his cup but did not drink. Smoke, for his part, did.
“I’ll know soon enough if these runes are going to kill me, though, won’t I? Will they eat through my skin and start a-branding my heart and my lungs and my belly? Will I blow up like a lit wick to gunpowder and take most of Flogger’s Bay with me, or will I dissolve into a pile of ash and float away on a sparkly breeze?”
I snatched my cup. My hands were shaking, but my heart was cold.
“But thanks, mates, for buying me a tot. I feel much approved.”
And I tossed it back easily. Rum, not whiskee. Shame. Still, it was only half watered, and I had been drinking hard since my tenth year.
I slapped it back down on the table and rose to my feet.
“I’d repay the kindness, but I don’t have coin or a berth or a job.” I leaned toward Fahr, nice and close. “Maybe I’ll ask at the brothel. I’m not too proud for that. I’ll make sure the swabs pay up first, though. Need to get coin before I set ’em on fire, right?”
He emptied his cup in one go.
I glanced at Smoke.
“Mr. Oakum, I’m sorry I never did get to try out that dory.”
“I won’t tar the holes, then, in case you return.”
“Kindness all around. More than I can bear.”
One last look.
“Safe seas, sirs,” I said as if the plank beneath me hadn’t just cracked loose.
“Safe seas,” they both muttered.
I left them, wishing I could stride out of the tavern with a confident swagger. In fact, I wanted to rush out of this sourplace before the tears that were stinging my eyes began to spill. I sucked air in my lungs, willing the salt at bay, but I hadn’t eaten since yesterday’s gruel, and the rum hit my blood hard. So, I dragged a hand across my face and slipped through the patrons and onto a barstool, hoping the crew’d lose sight of me in the crowd.
