I caught myself, took a deep breath.
“I feel things I’ve never felt, and I need to know if these feelings are mine or if they belong to her and her alone.”
Beloved.
“You’re in dangerous waters,” he said. He wasn’t talking about the ship.
“Bells, Dev, if I’m to let her ‘bleed me dry,’ I should at least know who I’m bleeding for.”
The first mate glanced at the hawk and let out a long breath.
“Fair. He owes you that,” he grunted. “But don’t wake him just to ask. He’s exhausted. Maybe just start with talking, like you did with me when I was shot.”
“You heard?”
“Every word,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For bringing you back that way with Shroud magik. I didn’t know my mother was going to do that, but I think I would have done it anyway, Shroud or no Shroud.”
“We’re all broken a little bit,” he said. “And we put ourselves together best we can.”
He shrugged.
“So now, some of my stitches are shadow. Maybe they’ll make me scary one day, but at least they’re mine.”
“You are your own,” I said as soft as a breeze.
“And so is he.” He rose to his feet. “If he can’t give you what you want…”
“I’ll be fine, Dev. I just need to know.”
He nodded and jerked a thumb in the direction of Thanavar’s berth.
“I’ll be in here, swinging in the best bed on the ship that never gets used because…”
“Bird.”
He grinned wearily.
“Because bird.”
He slid the door closed, and I looked down at the hawk, Dreadmage, last Priestlord of the Cloudgate, andkel’yionto a future king.
The hawk stirred.
34. Thanavar
White feathers rustled, then settled back in sleep.
There was so much I wanted to say. But I didn’t have the words, so I removed my gloves and laid my bare hand on his neck, touching the smooth feathers, stroking the sleek neck.
“Fog the questions,” I said quietly. “I don’t need to know. Just, thank you. Thank you for pulling me from the water all those months ago. Thank you for waiting with me in the sea. Thank you for letting me join the crew, and thank you for letting me stay as Navy, as I needed, for as long as I needed.”
I took a deep, shuddering breath.
“Thank you for teaching me the deeper magiks and challenging me to be more than what I was and for letting me know it’s foggin’ glorious to want more. And thank you for sharing with me the most remarkable woman I’ve ever known.”
And I reached with my other hand to touch the ship’s hull beneath the window. Chimeric sprang to life and glistened along her staves. I could hear the canvas thunder, knew runes raced up her masts.
