Seeing her name etched in stone still fills my stomach with bile that doesn't come up. It’s like a cruel joke that I will never believe is true, no matter how many times I stand here staring at it. We were so happy, then it was stripped away in a flash. Here in the morning, gone in the afternoon. How does anyone get over something as sudden as death by aneurysm? I guess if I knew the answer to that question life would have been a bit easier in the days and years after her passing, but I digress. I’m not here to linger on the past. Today is about the future.
“Hello, Natalia,” I say, as if she is standing right in front of me. Tears prickle my eyes after just two words, but I won't run away today, telling myself that I’ll save the words for next time. Next time may not ever come.
I try not to think too much, knowing that what I'm here to do is vital to my ability to move on with my life after five years of suffering. If I let my thoughts get in the way, they will control me and I won't be able to do this at all, and if I can't do it, then my relationship with Nia will need its own tombstone.
“I know it has been a while since I've been here,” I say, looking down at her stone name. “But you know I don't like visiting this place. It’s almost like being here fills my head with memories of your final resting place, replacing the happy times that we shared while you were still here. I hate that. I don't want to think of you being buried beneath my feet while I stand atop your dirt-covered casket and cry my eyes out, feeling my heart re-break every time I'm here. This isn't healthy … and you're gone. You're not coming back. So, this needs to be the end.
“The reason I'm here right now is to tell you how much I loved you. We met when I was twenty-five, dated for three years while we both matured and got our lives together, and thengot married when I was twenty-eight years old. The two years that we were married were the happiest of my life. Every hour was full of bliss, laughter, and passion. You taught me things I never knew I needed to learn—things I will never forget—and you made it so that five years after your death, I still couldn't be happy. I'm not ashamed of it. That’s how powerful true love is supposed to be. It’s meant to be agonizing and long-lasting when it’s real. I wear my heartbreak as a badge of honor, because I was never ashamed of loving you—so why would I be ashamed of mourning you? Inadvertently, you made it so that I could never accept anything other than perfection, because that’s what you were. You wereperfect, Natalia, and I never thought I'd find anything resembling it ever again. Until now.
“I want you to know that there is a part of you that will always be with me. I will always have love in my heart for you, but I've finally found someone else. If you're watching, I know that you want me to be happy. You would never wish to watch me wallow in agony every single day for the rest of my life. You'd want me to move on, and you would want me to do it with her.
“Nia is the reason I'm able to smile again. She makes me laugh. She makes me more of a pleasure to be around, and I don't think she knows that her ability to make my heart joyful is more important than her submission. It’s true that she's a submissive just like you were, but you and I both know that finding pleasureoutsideof the bedroom was always the goal. I have that now, and I can't fully accept it if my sorrow won't allow my heart to mend. I have to heal in order to have her, so that’s what I'm doing now.”
As tears drip from my chin, I reach down and place a hand atop Natalia’s tombstone.
“I will never forget you. The five years I got to spend knowing you will never be erased, and I hope that you don't take my not coming here as a personal slight. You were the love of my life,Natalia, but I can't die with you, and if I don't let you go, then that is exactly what’s going to happen.
“Don't worry about Nikola and Isabella. They are more successful now than ever, and watching me find Nia has helped them to move on, too. They miss you dearly, and I know that they think of you when the four of us are laughing together, but seeing me with Nia is healing for all of us.
“Thank you so much for loving me so fiercely. Our love set the standard. You raised the bar, Natalia, and now I will go on with my life knowing that I have what I have because of the example you set. If something terrible happens and things don't work out between Nia and I, I’ll still remember how much you loved me and never accept anything less than the perfection I saw in you. Thank you for everything. I’ll never forget you. It’s just time for me to move on—to let go … and let love.”
When I turn to walk away, I expect my heart to crumble—to feel the need to run back and hug her tombstone like I have done so many times in the past. But it doesn't happen this time. While I still cry, each step fortifies me. My strength builds as I keep moving, and my sad tears morph into tears of joy and fulfillment. I am made whole now, and while I don't know what the future holds, I know that it is as bright as the sun shining down on me as I climb in my car.
When I start the engine, I don't look back at the grave. I'm letting go. This is the end … and a brand new beginning.
Forty-Seven
Dear Diary,
I'm running out of pages. The timing couldn't be better because it seems that I've also run out of reasons to continue writing between these lines. When I first opened you, it was to put my feelings to paper and document all of the insanity I was going through in my love life. I wrote because I needed to get it out, but also as an example that I could go back to if I felt myself wondering about potential red flags. I've been through the gamut of boys wanting to be Doms, falling victim to their many flaws and jotting them all down to laugh and cry at later. It has been quite a wild, stupid, exhilarating, exhausting ride, but I am at the end of the dark tunnel, with nothing but light in front of me now.
There was a moment when I thought my perfect Dom and I wouldn't make it. My desire to find true love in the BDSMlifestyle collided with his broken heart, and while the crash was beautiful to look at, our damage eventually couldn't be ignored. I needed to learn to slow down and evaluate better, instead of diving in head-first and accepting any little thing thrown my way. My bar needed to be set higher. I needed to toughen up and stop looking at the bare minimum as if it were a pot of gold. Rome and Jaz taught me that. Rome, on the other hand, needed to heal. Nikola and I helped him to do that.
In the end, it was more than just our D/s dynamic that pulled us through the fire. It was the fact that each of us were what the other needed to persevere. I realize that is the most important part of it all. We are what the other needs, and that fortifies our dynamic. It makes us stronger, more durable, more passionate, and even more in love.
After showing me exactly what I thought a Dom was supposed to be, I watched the most intimidating man I'd ever met break down over the loss of his parents and first love. I saw vulnerability that I never knew a Dom should have. I saw him struggle. I saw him overcome with emotion, and I didn't think of him as weak for showing it to me. I saw a Dom take the space he needed from the rest of the world and cling to his lifelong friends until he was ready to come up for air.
Then I saw him cry. In front of me and a staring group of strangers, I watched as Rome let go of the notion that masculinity was inherently tied to immovable toughness and emotionlessness. He broke for me, split himself open and bared his soul for the world to gawk at, all while maintaining his sense of self. Through his vulnerability, he showed why he is the perfect Dom. I threw away the ideas I had about dominance in this lifestyle, because Rome broke the mold. How could I possibly say no to such beauty?
There is nothing in our way now. After taking another week away from work just to solidify our reunion, Romeand I walked back into Sandcastle hand in hand. The entire office gawked at us as we strided in and made our way to the HR department to make it official. Rome thought it was unnecessary seeing as how he is the owner, but I convinced him that it was best to avoid potential issues, just in case Sierra or anybody else decided to cause a stir. Although the obligatory administrative stuff is now out of the way, we continue to maintain our professionalism and try to keep the public displays of affection to a minimum in front of our coworkers. Even Sierra has come to see our relationship as normalcy.
Each of us has added more friends into our lives. I've been over to Nikola and Isabella’s luxurious home a few times now, and I absolutely love creating memories with them. It’s easy to see that they love Rome. It’s apparent in how they poke fun at each other while also being unbelievably caring. It’s incredible how the four of us meshed so well together since Rome introduced us two months ago.
As for Rome, he is now a part of the Jaz, Michael, Jeremiah, and Nia crew. While Jaz and Michael usually host, we’ve convinced them to come over to Rome’s house and spend time with us there. It is a blast every single time we get together, no matter whose house we’re at. Rome and I just make sure the basement door is locked whenever they come over.
There are very few pages left here, and I'm fine with that. I think it’s the perfect ending, actually. I've used my writing as a way to cope, but now I confide my feelings in Rome. There is no need to keep a diary now. So, I guess this is the end. It’s time to move onto bigger and better things, to see what beauty life has in store for Rome and me. Seeing as how I used to come back to what I’d written in these pages to try to avoid repeating mistakes, I don't really see a need to keep it at all.
I'm not the same person I was when I first started writing. However, I refuse to throw this away. Just because it’s notfor me anymore doesn't mean it couldn't help someone else. Instead of trashing all of this, I think I’ll put it somewhere. Maybe it would be best on the shelf of a library, hiding between other books like a treasure map for someone else to find and use to their advantage. Perhaps it will help another submissive avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into, while also giving them hope that what they’re looking for can be found. It may take time, but refusing to give up has never been a bad idea.
As I sign off, I'm starting to believe that this is what was always meant to be for the words I've written. As much as they were for me, they were for someone else who is truly struggling and in need of evidence that what they're going through isn't specific to them. I struggled, too, and now I've written my way out of the book. So, I’ll head to the library and find a shelf to stick this notebook on. All it needs now is a good title.
I think I’ll call it … A Good Girl’s Guide to Dominance.
THE END
